I think that one of the great things about living with autistic people--I say this as an allistic person who has lived with at least one autistic person for 25 years--is that you can often just say out loud, "hey, is this social thing not something you actually want to do?" You can address the thing! With words! It's great! "Do you actually want to go to Mehitabel's birthday party, or did you just agree to it on auto-pilot?" is a thing you can ask a partner! And have a conversation about!
I'm not really comfortable with "being late is a sign that you don't want to do the thing that much." I believed that for years. Then I made some close friends with ADHD and discovered that one of the key factors there is that, for them, "I want to do this" is pretty disconnected from "I will have the executive function to do this." I personally am Captain Executive Function. I have an acutely functioning time sense. Not everyone does. Not everyone can. Deciding that they don't want to do stuff with you because of it is not a friendly move.
...but the net result is often the same, which is that whether they want to do something or not, some people are just not capable of making use of executive function and time sense to figure out what steps they need to take to make the thing happen. When I want to have a friendship with someone who doesn't have that or who has used it all up on making it to their job on time, it will make everybody happier if our plans do not require them to do things they literally can't do. It's a bit like...if my friend's entire entertainment budget for the quarter is about $100, I don't plan to go to a restaurant that costs $100/head. Even if I can afford that restaurant. Because they can't, and it's not fair to act like they can, and it will make both of us unhappy.
(This is probably easier because I don't live with anyone with this brain wiring, though; I haven't had a child with anybody with this brain wiring.)
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I'm not really comfortable with "being late is a sign that you don't want to do the thing that much." I believed that for years. Then I made some close friends with ADHD and discovered that one of the key factors there is that, for them, "I want to do this" is pretty disconnected from "I will have the executive function to do this." I personally am Captain Executive Function. I have an acutely functioning time sense. Not everyone does. Not everyone can. Deciding that they don't want to do stuff with you because of it is not a friendly move.
...but the net result is often the same, which is that whether they want to do something or not, some people are just not capable of making use of executive function and time sense to figure out what steps they need to take to make the thing happen. When I want to have a friendship with someone who doesn't have that or who has used it all up on making it to their job on time, it will make everybody happier if our plans do not require them to do things they literally can't do. It's a bit like...if my friend's entire entertainment budget for the quarter is about $100, I don't plan to go to a restaurant that costs $100/head. Even if I can afford that restaurant. Because they can't, and it's not fair to act like they can, and it will make both of us unhappy.
(This is probably easier because I don't live with anyone with this brain wiring, though; I haven't had a child with anybody with this brain wiring.)