![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
With friends like these....
Dear Sahaj: I have a dear friend who has been one of my best friends for over 30 years. As we have gotten older, I am still working, active and healthy, and my friend has precipitously declined in health. She has issues with her knees, her feet, her teeth, her gastrointestinal system and more.
I have not seen her in two years, even though we live about a mile from each other. I have attempted almost weekly to get together, and every time, the same thing happens: She is exceedingly excited but, at the last minute, cancels. I was understanding for a long time, but I have become increasingly irritated. Her last-minute cancellations seem selfish and self-pitying.
It has been alarming for me to watch her health decline so rapidly, as I care for her deeply, but I am running out of patience. She also has a history of drug usage that led me, at one point, to stop being around her for years. I’m mad she didn’t take care of herself then and is now paying the price while seemingly also positioning her poor health in a self-pitying way.
I am struggling with stating my boundaries with her, dealing with my impatience and carrying this nagging feeling that she brought this on herself with her poor decisions and past drug use.
I do love her as a friend. But I really don’t know if she is even the same person anymore.
— Want To Be A Good Friend
WTBAGF: You have built up a lot of resentment from previous experiences with your best friend that may still be unaddressed and unprocessed. You want to be careful to differentiate what is a present-day issue and what is a past issue. Sure, things could have been different if she took better care of herself, but sadly, here we are.
I’m struck by how often you are trying to spend time with your friend when it sounds like she is really sick. Why are you trying to force a “certain” type of relationship that your friend clearly isn’t able to offer right now? You can be disappointed and frustrated, but it sounds like she has consistently been showing you where she’s at. If you have expectations of your friend beyond her capacity to meet them where she is — and you refuse to adapt to the situation as it is — you will continue to be disappointed. You’re holding your friend to a standard of who she was or who you want her to be, and that’s frankly unfair right now.
You need to grieve how your friendship, and your friend, has changed, and you may even need to grieve what you won’t have with her because of certain choices she has made. Being friends with someone for decades means enduring through different life stages, illnesses and choices. By allowing yourself to really feel that loss, only then will you be able to relinquish from the expectations of what you want(ed) from her and truly explore how — and if — there’s a friendship as she is today. Beyond the fact that she cancels in-person plans, have other parts of your friendship from afar — like celebrating milestones or being emotionally supportive and available via phone — also suffered? Only you can decide if the friendship has anything to offer that still feels worth holding on to, beyond history.
I’d suggest waiting to have any conversation until you readjust your expectations and feel more calm to minimize defensiveness and to help the conversation be productive. Be honest, and kind, about how you are feeling about your friendship. Show concern for your friend, but be careful to not blame her, and make sure to use I-language to focus on your feelings. This can sound like, “I really care about you and miss you, but I noticed we’ve had to cancel plans a lot. I feel sad that we don’t see each other, especially when we live so close. I know you’re not always feeling well, and I understand that and want to support you in taking care of yourself, but I also want to share how it’s making me feel.”
Consider also approaching your friend with curiosity so you can try to find a solution together. This may mean finding other ways with lower stakes to make time for each other — whether that’s you offering to spend more time at her house, dropping by to bring coffee and check in, or inviting her to group plans you already have, so if she does cancel, your calendar isn’t as thrown off. It’s possible your friend is embarrassed and doesn’t want you to see her in the state she is in. Try to reframe her “self-pitying” with love: “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. You sound like you’re in a lot of pain. I know it can be discouraging, but you don’t have to go through this alone.” Offering to do something to support her through her health issues, like driving her to doctor appointments, is a way to genuinely show concern — with the added bonus of spending time together.
While you can be honest and kind to your friend, you won’t be able to change how she decides — or doesn’t decide — to take care of herself or show up in your friendship. When and if she is ready to reach out and show up, you can be there with open arms, but it’s also okay to give yourself some space from trying so hard and to nurture other relationships to get your social support needs met. Take that space and time to see how things progress in the friendship and focus on the parts that do feel good.
Link
I have not seen her in two years, even though we live about a mile from each other. I have attempted almost weekly to get together, and every time, the same thing happens: She is exceedingly excited but, at the last minute, cancels. I was understanding for a long time, but I have become increasingly irritated. Her last-minute cancellations seem selfish and self-pitying.
It has been alarming for me to watch her health decline so rapidly, as I care for her deeply, but I am running out of patience. She also has a history of drug usage that led me, at one point, to stop being around her for years. I’m mad she didn’t take care of herself then and is now paying the price while seemingly also positioning her poor health in a self-pitying way.
I am struggling with stating my boundaries with her, dealing with my impatience and carrying this nagging feeling that she brought this on herself with her poor decisions and past drug use.
I do love her as a friend. But I really don’t know if she is even the same person anymore.
— Want To Be A Good Friend
WTBAGF: You have built up a lot of resentment from previous experiences with your best friend that may still be unaddressed and unprocessed. You want to be careful to differentiate what is a present-day issue and what is a past issue. Sure, things could have been different if she took better care of herself, but sadly, here we are.
I’m struck by how often you are trying to spend time with your friend when it sounds like she is really sick. Why are you trying to force a “certain” type of relationship that your friend clearly isn’t able to offer right now? You can be disappointed and frustrated, but it sounds like she has consistently been showing you where she’s at. If you have expectations of your friend beyond her capacity to meet them where she is — and you refuse to adapt to the situation as it is — you will continue to be disappointed. You’re holding your friend to a standard of who she was or who you want her to be, and that’s frankly unfair right now.
You need to grieve how your friendship, and your friend, has changed, and you may even need to grieve what you won’t have with her because of certain choices she has made. Being friends with someone for decades means enduring through different life stages, illnesses and choices. By allowing yourself to really feel that loss, only then will you be able to relinquish from the expectations of what you want(ed) from her and truly explore how — and if — there’s a friendship as she is today. Beyond the fact that she cancels in-person plans, have other parts of your friendship from afar — like celebrating milestones or being emotionally supportive and available via phone — also suffered? Only you can decide if the friendship has anything to offer that still feels worth holding on to, beyond history.
I’d suggest waiting to have any conversation until you readjust your expectations and feel more calm to minimize defensiveness and to help the conversation be productive. Be honest, and kind, about how you are feeling about your friendship. Show concern for your friend, but be careful to not blame her, and make sure to use I-language to focus on your feelings. This can sound like, “I really care about you and miss you, but I noticed we’ve had to cancel plans a lot. I feel sad that we don’t see each other, especially when we live so close. I know you’re not always feeling well, and I understand that and want to support you in taking care of yourself, but I also want to share how it’s making me feel.”
Consider also approaching your friend with curiosity so you can try to find a solution together. This may mean finding other ways with lower stakes to make time for each other — whether that’s you offering to spend more time at her house, dropping by to bring coffee and check in, or inviting her to group plans you already have, so if she does cancel, your calendar isn’t as thrown off. It’s possible your friend is embarrassed and doesn’t want you to see her in the state she is in. Try to reframe her “self-pitying” with love: “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. You sound like you’re in a lot of pain. I know it can be discouraging, but you don’t have to go through this alone.” Offering to do something to support her through her health issues, like driving her to doctor appointments, is a way to genuinely show concern — with the added bonus of spending time together.
While you can be honest and kind to your friend, you won’t be able to change how she decides — or doesn’t decide — to take care of herself or show up in your friendship. When and if she is ready to reach out and show up, you can be there with open arms, but it’s also okay to give yourself some space from trying so hard and to nurture other relationships to get your social support needs met. Take that space and time to see how things progress in the friendship and focus on the parts that do feel good.
Link
no subject