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agonyaunt2025-03-26 09:50 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-03-26 09:50 am
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Good Job: My Husband Has Been Applying To Medical School... For Three Years
My Husband Claims Applying to Medical School Is His “Job.” It’s Been Three Years.
Dear Good Job,
My husband and I have been married for three years. He’s applying to medical school and hasn’t had a job during our whole marriage because his “job” is getting into medical school. But he’s been terrible at this job! I’ve been working to support us for these past three years, which I am happy to do. But it doesn’t seem he is an putting equal effort into his applications. He’s pushed the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) back three times and is now studying for it full-time.
However, he often wakes up late in the day and has to skip the gym to get in a hurried day of studying. I know he has anxiety about getting into medical school—but it really just doesn’t seem like he’s doing the best he could do. I take on more responsibility for taking care of our dog, cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, and doing dishes after coming home from a nine-hour workday. I don’t know what else I could do to ease his anxiety or take on more household chores so he can focus on his application. I also don’t know how much more of this unequal balance I can take. Help!
—Tired of His “Job”
Dear Tired,
So, let me get this straight. Your husband, under the guise of “applying to medical school,” has been doing almost nothing for three years while you have been (checks notes) working full-time, cleaning the house, making meals, and also doing the dishes, walking the dog, and who knows what else… I’m exhausted already. I know you intended to be supportive, but it sounds like that support has overtime just enabled him.
So I’m going to say this gently and I hope kindly: I don’t think your partner has any plans to actually apply to medical school. And if this is how he’s acting before he even goes to medical school (which, again, he has no intention of actually applying to, but just bear with this thought exercise), I don’t even want to imagine what he’s going to be like once he starts. I shudder to think about his approach to chores once he has regular course exams to study for.
I don’t think you should help ease his anxiety anymore—instead, the time has come for you to have an honest conversation with him about how unequal this partnership is. Before and during that conversation, I would urge you to think carefully about whether this is a partnership you want to stay in.
If you do want to stay in this marriage, I think your husband needs to get into individual therapy as soon as possible. He has some mental health challenges he needs to work through on his own—ones you can’t fix for him. The two of you also start couples therapy and read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play, as a way to renegotiate what your marriage looks like and who does what. A new division of labor needs to start right away.
Dear Good Job,
My husband and I have been married for three years. He’s applying to medical school and hasn’t had a job during our whole marriage because his “job” is getting into medical school. But he’s been terrible at this job! I’ve been working to support us for these past three years, which I am happy to do. But it doesn’t seem he is an putting equal effort into his applications. He’s pushed the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) back three times and is now studying for it full-time.
However, he often wakes up late in the day and has to skip the gym to get in a hurried day of studying. I know he has anxiety about getting into medical school—but it really just doesn’t seem like he’s doing the best he could do. I take on more responsibility for taking care of our dog, cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, and doing dishes after coming home from a nine-hour workday. I don’t know what else I could do to ease his anxiety or take on more household chores so he can focus on his application. I also don’t know how much more of this unequal balance I can take. Help!
—Tired of His “Job”
Dear Tired,
So, let me get this straight. Your husband, under the guise of “applying to medical school,” has been doing almost nothing for three years while you have been (checks notes) working full-time, cleaning the house, making meals, and also doing the dishes, walking the dog, and who knows what else… I’m exhausted already. I know you intended to be supportive, but it sounds like that support has overtime just enabled him.
So I’m going to say this gently and I hope kindly: I don’t think your partner has any plans to actually apply to medical school. And if this is how he’s acting before he even goes to medical school (which, again, he has no intention of actually applying to, but just bear with this thought exercise), I don’t even want to imagine what he’s going to be like once he starts. I shudder to think about his approach to chores once he has regular course exams to study for.
I don’t think you should help ease his anxiety anymore—instead, the time has come for you to have an honest conversation with him about how unequal this partnership is. Before and during that conversation, I would urge you to think carefully about whether this is a partnership you want to stay in.
If you do want to stay in this marriage, I think your husband needs to get into individual therapy as soon as possible. He has some mental health challenges he needs to work through on his own—ones you can’t fix for him. The two of you also start couples therapy and read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play, as a way to renegotiate what your marriage looks like and who does what. A new division of labor needs to start right away.
That Bad Advice
You lazy hussy. This is what's wrong with America today: women have excessively high standards for men, are way too picky and refuse to be helpmeets. Clearly your husband is too exhausted to properly apply to medical school. Make certain you are doing absolutely everything you can around the house. Put his clothes on him in the morning. Consider chewing his food for him.
Re: That Bad Advice
Re: That Bad Advice
Oh yes, children are a blessing and absolutely what this marriage needs!
(oh God I want to airlift LW out of there)
no subject