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Dear Carolyn: Recently, my two teen sons have talked to me about what they feel was a traumatic childhood because their father, who struggles with emotional dysregulation, was at times volatile and angry. They cite specific incidents and say they are not sure they will want to remain in contact once they are grown.
I recall these incidents, too, and I am not surprised they were distressing to my boys. I did my best at the time, and I frequently intervened. Still, I was a bit surprised at the intensely negative way they see their dad. I didn’t say that because I fear it sounds like gaslighting; maybe these experiences really were much more traumatic than I realized. Maybe their dad is a much more abusive person than I realized.
I feel disoriented by their disclosure — worried they will see me as having stood by and allowed it. Worried the man I am married to is an abuser. How do I process this?
— Worried
Worried: I hope you validated your sons’ perspectives and apologized for not protecting them better and not understanding how distressing their dad’s volatility was for them. If you haven’t done that, then get to it. Without delay.
Then I suggest you do further processing with a therapist, also without delay, though that is easier said than scheduled, unfortunately.
Make therapy available to your boys, too. If you don’t have many options where you are, then talk to their pediatrician and/or go through their school(s) to get some names if they have even halfway decent counseling resources there.
I think it’s a common misconception that a parent who is loved, is lovable and means well can’t also be abusive. It’s the behaviors that constitute abuse, though, and if your loved, lovable and well-meaning husband was unable to regulate his emotions and behaved in your home in an angry and volatile way, then what your boys experienced was emotional abuse.
If nothing else, you saw your husband through adult, informed eyes. They were too young to have that protective filter. To meet your boys’ needs in this moment, you have to start from their perspective, regardless of where it takes you. My concern is that it will take you to a perception, for them, that their dad was a risk to erupt at any time. Even if you saw how much he loved — still loves — the boys, it’s possible their fear of him left no room for love to grow.
They trusted you with this information. Their dad broke their trust. You have little or no margin for error here; I am so glad something held you back from the dismissiveness of defending yourself and their dad.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Oh gosh, yes, please apologize and then, to show them you are hearing them and listening, ask them if there is anything more they want to tell you. My first thought is that there is more.
· They, not just one or the other, but both, can provide concrete examples of times they were frightened and upset. I believe you have been put on notice that your children are considering being estranged from you. As someone who grew up in a volatile home, I was very angry that my mother failed to protect me and sibs from the anger in our home.
Get thee to a competent therapist quickly and learn how to relate to your children in a way that doesn’t focus on how you look as a parent, but how you can best deal with their anger and hurt, and no longer contribute to it.
Link
I recall these incidents, too, and I am not surprised they were distressing to my boys. I did my best at the time, and I frequently intervened. Still, I was a bit surprised at the intensely negative way they see their dad. I didn’t say that because I fear it sounds like gaslighting; maybe these experiences really were much more traumatic than I realized. Maybe their dad is a much more abusive person than I realized.
I feel disoriented by their disclosure — worried they will see me as having stood by and allowed it. Worried the man I am married to is an abuser. How do I process this?
— Worried
Worried: I hope you validated your sons’ perspectives and apologized for not protecting them better and not understanding how distressing their dad’s volatility was for them. If you haven’t done that, then get to it. Without delay.
Then I suggest you do further processing with a therapist, also without delay, though that is easier said than scheduled, unfortunately.
Make therapy available to your boys, too. If you don’t have many options where you are, then talk to their pediatrician and/or go through their school(s) to get some names if they have even halfway decent counseling resources there.
I think it’s a common misconception that a parent who is loved, is lovable and means well can’t also be abusive. It’s the behaviors that constitute abuse, though, and if your loved, lovable and well-meaning husband was unable to regulate his emotions and behaved in your home in an angry and volatile way, then what your boys experienced was emotional abuse.
If nothing else, you saw your husband through adult, informed eyes. They were too young to have that protective filter. To meet your boys’ needs in this moment, you have to start from their perspective, regardless of where it takes you. My concern is that it will take you to a perception, for them, that their dad was a risk to erupt at any time. Even if you saw how much he loved — still loves — the boys, it’s possible their fear of him left no room for love to grow.
They trusted you with this information. Their dad broke their trust. You have little or no margin for error here; I am so glad something held you back from the dismissiveness of defending yourself and their dad.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Oh gosh, yes, please apologize and then, to show them you are hearing them and listening, ask them if there is anything more they want to tell you. My first thought is that there is more.
· They, not just one or the other, but both, can provide concrete examples of times they were frightened and upset. I believe you have been put on notice that your children are considering being estranged from you. As someone who grew up in a volatile home, I was very angry that my mother failed to protect me and sibs from the anger in our home.
Get thee to a competent therapist quickly and learn how to relate to your children in a way that doesn’t focus on how you look as a parent, but how you can best deal with their anger and hurt, and no longer contribute to it.
Link
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(It kind of feels like this might be a case where he went to some kind of therapy at some point - who knows, could have been court- or job- ordered anger management or something - and then decided he was "better" and used the diagnosis as an excuse to be "struggling" forever after that. Which might also explain why LW is acting like this is a situation that is over? But I don't think the letter really tells us. LW is definitely leaving a *lot* out.)