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Dear Carolyn: I’m happy with my life — late 40s, successful in my profession, solid marriage, two wonderful sons — until my younger sister steps into the room. She’s a surgeon married to another doctor; they have boatloads of money, run marathons for charity and have the world’s most polite teen. She’s the kind of person who took up painting as a hobby, then a year later won a major competition, got an agent and booked a gallery show. She acts modest but seems clueless about how every family event turns into a Q&A and she’s the special guest.
It’s tiresome, not to mention unfair. So a couple of years ago, I started finding plausible excuses to cut her off. If someone asked about her art, I’d break in to tell my kids to clear the table, and the conversation would move on. No one noticed until a month ago, when she loudly pointed out that I’d interrupted her twice and demanded I stop. I froze; she left.
She hasn’t apologized for embarrassing me in front of the family and ruining her teenage nephew’s birthday party, and now we’re not speaking. The thought of sucking it up and apologizing when she’s the one who made a scene — over two interruptions! — is not appealing. What can I do here?
Resentful: Stop interrupting. Oh, my goodness. And apologize for doing it. There’s no making it okay or polite, or anything but petty and childish, no matter how human the reasons.
That “she’s the special guest” is a real problem that isn’t her fault. That’s on the people who fawn over her. And her cluelessness is a real problem that is her fault, because there are kind and not-humblebraggy ways to deflect attention that she apparently isn’t employing to their fullest effects. But your derailing tactics are not a solution; they’re a third problem — and the only premeditated one.
There are other ways to handle the fawning dynamic: Go to fewer family events; replace those with seeing your sister one-on-one instead; endure the fawnologues as the price you pay for the bigger payoff of extended-family time (assuming there is one); ask questions of other family members to get them talking, etc. Or, ah, be happy for your sister and stop assuming her success diminishes you.
When you apologize, it’s not going to work unless you’re vulnerable about it: “You’re a rock star, and sometimes I feel like a backup singer in my own family. It’s on me that I don’t handle it well.”
If she’s as principled as she is talented, then this will be an opportunity to build a closer relationship, for real, based on mutual respect.
Readers’ thoughts:
· I wonder whether the sister is really clueless. I was the sister who led the “interesting” life. I went out of my way not to monopolize the conversation, but if someone asked me a question and I answered it, my sister would pop in with, “It must be nice to be a rich jet-setter.” I was, of course, neither.
· I’m wondering whether she’d noticed all the other times you’d pulled the same move and held her peace (and her anger) until she couldn’t anymore. I’m also struck by how superficial your description of your sister’s life is. Move beyond the surface comparisons, which just suck the joy right out of our messy, complicated lives.
· Do you even want a relationship with your sister? Reread what you wrote. You seem so consumed with jealousy that I don’t see a path forward.
Link
It’s tiresome, not to mention unfair. So a couple of years ago, I started finding plausible excuses to cut her off. If someone asked about her art, I’d break in to tell my kids to clear the table, and the conversation would move on. No one noticed until a month ago, when she loudly pointed out that I’d interrupted her twice and demanded I stop. I froze; she left.
She hasn’t apologized for embarrassing me in front of the family and ruining her teenage nephew’s birthday party, and now we’re not speaking. The thought of sucking it up and apologizing when she’s the one who made a scene — over two interruptions! — is not appealing. What can I do here?
Resentful: Stop interrupting. Oh, my goodness. And apologize for doing it. There’s no making it okay or polite, or anything but petty and childish, no matter how human the reasons.
That “she’s the special guest” is a real problem that isn’t her fault. That’s on the people who fawn over her. And her cluelessness is a real problem that is her fault, because there are kind and not-humblebraggy ways to deflect attention that she apparently isn’t employing to their fullest effects. But your derailing tactics are not a solution; they’re a third problem — and the only premeditated one.
There are other ways to handle the fawning dynamic: Go to fewer family events; replace those with seeing your sister one-on-one instead; endure the fawnologues as the price you pay for the bigger payoff of extended-family time (assuming there is one); ask questions of other family members to get them talking, etc. Or, ah, be happy for your sister and stop assuming her success diminishes you.
When you apologize, it’s not going to work unless you’re vulnerable about it: “You’re a rock star, and sometimes I feel like a backup singer in my own family. It’s on me that I don’t handle it well.”
If she’s as principled as she is talented, then this will be an opportunity to build a closer relationship, for real, based on mutual respect.
Readers’ thoughts:
· I wonder whether the sister is really clueless. I was the sister who led the “interesting” life. I went out of my way not to monopolize the conversation, but if someone asked me a question and I answered it, my sister would pop in with, “It must be nice to be a rich jet-setter.” I was, of course, neither.
· I’m wondering whether she’d noticed all the other times you’d pulled the same move and held her peace (and her anger) until she couldn’t anymore. I’m also struck by how superficial your description of your sister’s life is. Move beyond the surface comparisons, which just suck the joy right out of our messy, complicated lives.
· Do you even want a relationship with your sister? Reread what you wrote. You seem so consumed with jealousy that I don’t see a path forward.
Link
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JFC. LW, you know perfectly well it was not only two interruptions and that you're the one who embarrassed yourself. And you've been embarrassing yourself for at least as long as you've been interrupting your sister like this.
Everybody noticed, LW. Literally everybody.
I hope LW gets some therapy, but it's not going to work until and unless they stop lying.
In the meantime, maybe they should take a break from their entire family.
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Assuming it's the real thing, I feel some pity for LW, who clearly feels overshadowed and inadequate next to their sister and is not dealing with that well. I can also see how they'd feel frustration if sister is always truly the star of the show. But interrupting, passive aggression, and aggressive aggression is not the way; they'd probably be happier if they built up their relationships with family members outside of group events where sister got the spotlight yet again.
Sister absolutely deserves an apology too.
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I know that assuming the letter is truthful is generally just how it's done, but... even the merest glance at LW's letter leaves me extremely doubtful that every occasion really DOES turn into solely an occasion for fawning over her sister. Is it, in fact, a problem if the sister discusses her life and experiences with her family at family events? Is it, in fact, sister's "fault" if she doesn't make every effort to change the subject away from her art and the events in her life? Why is she obligated not to talk about her art with members of her family who want to talk about it just because LW is jealous????
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There's a reason that person is no longer in my life.