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Dear Carolyn: A year ago, a good friend of mine dropped me out of the blue. I didn’t understand what happened. I knew she had a new boyfriend and figured she was busy with him, but as months went on, I figured she’d moved on or something. I saw her at a wedding last weekend and told her I’d missed her. And she laughed and said she could tell. When I asked what she meant, she said she’d gotten sick of being the friend who did everything. She decided to stop reaching out and see how long it took for people to notice. The friends who contacted her, she kept.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
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But it's hard sometimes to tell the difference between people who feel a bond with you but only call when they have something specific to say or to make a date or if they need you, and people who are just oblivious to your existence and don't really care if they stay in touch or not.
I felt like Carolyn's answer was kind to the person while also explaining the difference.
To me there is a giant gulf between the "cultivate the friendship thoughtfully always" group and the "I know you are there for me even if lots of time passes" styles. A gulf as big as Ask Versus Guess.
When I went through a long period of time where I was consumed with parents' illness I was grateful that my friends didn't take it personally that I dropped out. They understood and resumed our contact when I was able. There doesn't seem to be a crisis like that in this letter, but still. Also another factor that's not present in this letter is what happens when a friend has kids. I had at least one friend who was totally disappointed in what happened to our friendship with my kids were babies. My bandwidth was just gone for just about everyone, but she wasn't sympathetic at all. Our friendship survived but it was different.
The commenter who was dropped via LJ.... wow that is so stupid that a person would use one solitary LJ post as the cutoff. Very harsh and unrealistic.
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I feel like this can also change depending on length of friendship and physical proximity - like, I have a couple friends from childhood who moved out of the area and we very rarely talk, but we'll get together every year or so when they're in town visiting their parents. Then there are the local friendships where if we don't see each other once a month, it's like "...are we still friends?"
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Then again, I have ADHD and don’t really experience friendship decay, so it’s definitely a very different mindset.
I do feel like I did at least half of the reaching out/making plans/etc. in the friendship, under normal circumstances.
And she absolutely had a right to make that choice, but it definitely hurt! :/