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Dear Carolyn: A year ago, a good friend of mine dropped me out of the blue. I didn’t understand what happened. I knew she had a new boyfriend and figured she was busy with him, but as months went on, I figured she’d moved on or something. I saw her at a wedding last weekend and told her I’d missed her. And she laughed and said she could tell. When I asked what she meant, she said she’d gotten sick of being the friend who did everything. She decided to stop reaching out and see how long it took for people to notice. The friends who contacted her, she kept.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
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I never saw the post, so I didn’t respond (because it had gotten buried, and I was also going through a lot of real life health stuff), and she wasn’t open to renewing the friendship when I did reach out.
The frustrating part was that we saw each other in person with reasonable regularity, it wasn’t a one-sided friendship where she only did the initiating, and I don’t think that missing *one* post online (which didn’t provide any kind of notification that the post had been made, you just had to have seen it on your friends page scroll, or known to have gone to her page specifically) should be a referendum on whether or not an individual friend cares about you.
I’m still kind of burned about it, 20 years later! I really liked her a lot, I cared about her, and I miss her :/
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And then she moved across the country, so I’ve never seen her again.
Obviously, she has the right to do whatever she wants in this situation, but I have the right to have some feelings about it!
It was definitely not a situation where she was the only person reaching out or making plans, too.