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Dear Carolyn: A year ago, a good friend of mine dropped me out of the blue. I didn’t understand what happened. I knew she had a new boyfriend and figured she was busy with him, but as months went on, I figured she’d moved on or something. I saw her at a wedding last weekend and told her I’d missed her. And she laughed and said she could tell. When I asked what she meant, she said she’d gotten sick of being the friend who did everything. She decided to stop reaching out and see how long it took for people to notice. The friends who contacted her, she kept.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
I was stunned. I said she could’ve at least talked to me if she felt our friendship was one-sided and explained that friendships go in waves, but it all evens out. I said I know she helped me out emotionally during the pandemic and after, but her turn was coming again since I am in a much better place now. She asked why, if that was the case, didn’t I call or text? And I said I didn’t want to bother her, and she knows I’m bad about reaching out. She just turned and started talking to someone else.
I feel bad and like I should initiate something with her, but it looks like she doesn’t want that. I also think this was a petty move on her part. You can’t suddenly change the rules of a relationship without telling another person. Right?
— Tested, and I Failed
Tested, and I Failed: You “can” “suddenly” do whatever you want. It’ll just have consequences. The consequences of her rule change are that you slept through a kind of mean, pop final exam. You feel tricked and upset; she feels vindicated. The consequences of letting yourself be “bad about reaching out,” meanwhile, instead of leaving your comfort zone occasionally, were to lose a friend who needed some care. That’s the consequences math.
Her behavior says she’s not accepting any overtures, but I generally don’t endorse quitting before you try. If your conscience says to reach out, then go for it — and take a second cold shoulder as no. You can also quit now over her game-playing and sarcasm, by all means.
There is another reason to cut your losses here, if you want one: You and your friend aren’t well matched. She sees “good” friendship as an active, mutual effort. You see “good” friendship as a more fluid and forgiving thing. Both are valid, but neither works if you’re silently judging the other. And neither of you seems eager to close the gap for the sake of remaining close.
You weren’t perfect, but she greeted your sincere sentiments with bitterness that melted my hair. So, onward, I’d say. And weigh what kind of friend you want to be to the people still speaking to you.
no subject
It's perfectly reasonable to look at your life and decide that from now on, you'll prioritize relationships with those people who prioritize you back. I would not have advised Ex-Friend to frame this as a "test", and her reported commentary to LW was a bit strong - for anywhere, but especially for a mutual friend's wedding! - but it's okay to decide not to put more into your friendship than the other person.
But what really gets me, and the whole reason that I'm not sympathetic to LW, is that their response to "I was sick of being the one who puts in all the work" is to say "Well, you should've put in more work and told me". And who's to say she didn't? Maybe she told all her friends before, and they kinda blew her off until she decided to set a boundary for herself about all those people.
no subject
I actually lost most of my local friends within the past couple years because of something like this. Our group chat was on Facebook Messenger but I was leaving Facebook - sent a message in the group chat to say "Hey, I'm closing out my FB so I won't be in this chat anymore, but definitely still want to get together! Here's my phone number in case any of you don't have it." I did also send out group texts a couple of times to see if anyone wanted to get together for drinks/brunch/whatever...and wouldn't get responses. There were six other women in the group, and I'm only still friends with two of them. But honestly, I feel a lot happier having two friends who I see occasionally and check in with regularly versus having six friends but never hearing from 4 of them outside of the group chat.
no subject