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1. Dear Eric: My brother passed in 2023. He was not married and had no children. He left an estate of $1.5 million. My two sisters and I split his estate equally and have finally closed the estate. From the start, my older sister’s husband protested that we should not split the estate equally. He says we should have split it to “level the retirement playing field.” In other words, I should have declined my inheritance to give my sisters a retirement financially equivalent to what my husband and I have.
My brother-in-law is still being very aggressive that I need to gift my inheritance to my sisters and not share my inheritance with my adult children. Neither my sisters nor I agree with this. We, including my husband, are all disgusted by this aggressive repeated request from my brother-in-law.
My sisters made different career and financial decisions than my husband and me. They are not concerned that my husband and I have a much more comfortable retirement than they do. However, it really makes my brother-in-law angry. I have repeatedly told him to stop asking and refuse to discuss it. But he keeps bringing it up, as if he has a right to dictate how my sisters and I split our brother's estate.
I do not want to cut ties with my older sister. As she usually does with disagreements with her husband, she has given up on telling him to drop it. If he knows we are talking, he butts into our conversation or takes her phone away to make his demand again. I do not want to drop contact with my older sister, but I need this discussion to stop. How can I set boundaries that he will recognize without losing my relationship with my sister?
Sister-in-law: The utter gall of this man! He doesn’t have a penny in this nickel, and yet here he is repeatedly adding his two cents. You’ve already discussed this at length with your sisters and, presumably, worked with an attorney. The estate is settled, so essentially what he’s doing right now is trying to bully you into writing him a personal check for a couple hundred thousand dollars. I do not think so.
Bullying is not an acceptable form of familial communication. Unfortunately, he's made it clear that he is not interested in respecting the agreement that you've made or the line you've drawn. You may even need to formally cut off contact with him and talk to your sister about how you two can maintain your relationship away from him.
This puts a burden on your sister that's not totally fair, but that, too, is her husband's doing. You wouldn't be asking her to choose between the two of you. Ask her what you both can do to maintain your bond. Ask her to work on her side to make this easier, whether that means deciding that she'll keep him away from the phone when you're talking or having a harder, stricter set of consequences with him. Though she's not responsible for his bad behavior, she has more leverage than you. But you would probably do best not to spend another moment trying to reason with him.
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2. Dear Eric: I’ve been mentoring a young lady since she was in middle school. She’s in her early 30s now. She came from a very difficult background but has always had great tenacity and a circle of mentors who have encouraged her along the way. She’s doing incredibly well, graduated from college, has a good job and a car.
She was always overweight, but it’s getting worse. She looks to weigh somewhere between 500 and 600 pounds now. I feel I need to help her navigate a weight loss strategy, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I’ve never talked to her about it. She has good health insurance and access to mental health services and has received counseling in the past, which has helped her deal with childhood traumas. I know her counselor. What should I say/do?
— Worried Mentor
Mentor: I don’t think you should say anything right now. What you can do is continue to be the resource and sounding board that you have been for her. Continue to check in about her mental well-being; continue to encourage her in her professional and personal pursuits. And, where appropriate, continue to guide her to services that will help her to process her traumas and to make changes. Up until now, your mentorship hasn’t crossed over into the realm of physical fitness, so I’m not sure an intervention of this sort from you will be well-received or as effective as simply having someone in her corner whom she trusts and who can help her make the best choices.
1. Dear Eric: My brother passed in 2023. He was not married and had no children. He left an estate of $1.5 million. My two sisters and I split his estate equally and have finally closed the estate. From the start, my older sister’s husband protested that we should not split the estate equally. He says we should have split it to “level the retirement playing field.” In other words, I should have declined my inheritance to give my sisters a retirement financially equivalent to what my husband and I have.
My brother-in-law is still being very aggressive that I need to gift my inheritance to my sisters and not share my inheritance with my adult children. Neither my sisters nor I agree with this. We, including my husband, are all disgusted by this aggressive repeated request from my brother-in-law.
My sisters made different career and financial decisions than my husband and me. They are not concerned that my husband and I have a much more comfortable retirement than they do. However, it really makes my brother-in-law angry. I have repeatedly told him to stop asking and refuse to discuss it. But he keeps bringing it up, as if he has a right to dictate how my sisters and I split our brother's estate.
I do not want to cut ties with my older sister. As she usually does with disagreements with her husband, she has given up on telling him to drop it. If he knows we are talking, he butts into our conversation or takes her phone away to make his demand again. I do not want to drop contact with my older sister, but I need this discussion to stop. How can I set boundaries that he will recognize without losing my relationship with my sister?
Sister-in-law: The utter gall of this man! He doesn’t have a penny in this nickel, and yet here he is repeatedly adding his two cents. You’ve already discussed this at length with your sisters and, presumably, worked with an attorney. The estate is settled, so essentially what he’s doing right now is trying to bully you into writing him a personal check for a couple hundred thousand dollars. I do not think so.
Bullying is not an acceptable form of familial communication. Unfortunately, he's made it clear that he is not interested in respecting the agreement that you've made or the line you've drawn. You may even need to formally cut off contact with him and talk to your sister about how you two can maintain your relationship away from him.
This puts a burden on your sister that's not totally fair, but that, too, is her husband's doing. You wouldn't be asking her to choose between the two of you. Ask her what you both can do to maintain your bond. Ask her to work on her side to make this easier, whether that means deciding that she'll keep him away from the phone when you're talking or having a harder, stricter set of consequences with him. Though she's not responsible for his bad behavior, she has more leverage than you. But you would probably do best not to spend another moment trying to reason with him.
2. Dear Eric: I’ve been mentoring a young lady since she was in middle school. She’s in her early 30s now. She came from a very difficult background but has always had great tenacity and a circle of mentors who have encouraged her along the way. She’s doing incredibly well, graduated from college, has a good job and a car.
She was always overweight, but it’s getting worse. She looks to weigh somewhere between 500 and 600 pounds now. I feel I need to help her navigate a weight loss strategy, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I’ve never talked to her about it. She has good health insurance and access to mental health services and has received counseling in the past, which has helped her deal with childhood traumas. I know her counselor. What should I say/do?
— Worried Mentor
Mentor: I don’t think you should say anything right now. What you can do is continue to be the resource and sounding board that you have been for her. Continue to check in about her mental well-being; continue to encourage her in her professional and personal pursuits. And, where appropriate, continue to guide her to services that will help her to process her traumas and to make changes. Up until now, your mentorship hasn’t crossed over into the realm of physical fitness, so I’m not sure an intervention of this sort from you will be well-received or as effective as simply having someone in her corner whom she trusts and who can help her make the best choices.
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Eric also should have pointed out that boundaries are for you, not for other people, because you cannot make people listen to you. A boundary here might be "Because BIL insists on interrupting phone calls, I will only contact my sister via text or email for the forseeable future".
2. Between 500 and 600 pounds, really? I mean sure, it can happen, and if this woman is anywhere near the ballpark of 500 pounds, LW can rest assured that she knows she is fat. She also knows where to go if she wants help losing weight, or anyway, she knows how to use a search engine. LW needs to butt the fuck out.
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(Admittedly in a flamewar) I once flat out asked someone why they felt the need to point out to fat people that we're fat, because we know. They responded, "People are often delusional about their problems". I still kind of wish I'd replied, "such as when they assume omniscience?" but it's probably better I just gave up.
Also I have a hard time beliving this woman is actually 600 pounds. I mean it's possible but it's not likely.
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I agree:
600 pounds is 272 kilograms -
for context, an adult female POLAR BEAR weighs 150 kilograms to 300 kilograms
an adult female SIBERIAN TIGER weighs 100 kilograms to 167 kilograms (220 to 368 pounds)
I very much doubt that this woman weighs more than an adult female polar bear or an adult female siberian tiger.
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People often regard women as "super-fat" at between 100 kilograms [220 pounds] and 125 kilograms [275 pounds].
I strongly suspect that the woman in question weighs 125 kilograms / 275 pounds or less.
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...she might be much shorter than I am. I'm tallish.
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staring at me
glaring at me
judging me
in public in a way that didn't happen when I was 220 pounds.
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Yeah, and the level of physical aggression in taking her phone off her, especially when she doesn't even agree with what he's saying, disturbs me. I wish he'd suggested the email thing you mention, especially since it might allow LW and Sister to communicate without BIL knowing what they're saying.
And yeah - for #2, I really hate the clear implicit assumption that a fat body is something to be overcome through tenacity instead of a way that a body can be.
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I let #2 distract me from #1.
OMG BIL is HORRIBLE.![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
conuly you are absolutely right -- BIL is abusing Sister. Taking the PHONE AWAY when she's trying to talk to her family? I seriously doubt this is the only terrible thing he's ever done. Eric was negligent to not point that out.
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LW2: The young lady is a college grad with a good job and a car! She's doing great! You should be proud of her!
She also happens to be the proud owner of a body, made of matter! As are you! Weird that you should notice that, but you do you!