LW needs practical hair-care advice....

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a mom to a beautiful and wonderful 5-year-old son. He has shoulder-length hair that he loves … except he refuses to take care of it. We brush it every night before bed and again in the morning. He HATES having his hair brushed so the whole endeavor falls apart every time before we can finish. This means he’s got horrible knots that even with a detangler and a special brush for difficult hair can’t get out. We tell him if he wants long hair, we have to take care of it. We’ve tried giving him ownership of it (he won’t brush it if we don’t do it), picking his detangler, you name it, we’ve tried.

I don’t want to cut his hair without his say-so, but taking care of it is a massive fight we go through twice a day and both my husband and I are at our wits’ end. I have waist-length hair that he watches me take care of daily so he understands what it takes, but he’s also 5 and we get that he needs help. But he’s also starting to look like Bam Bam from the ‘90s Flintstones movie. Help!

—Hairy Situation

Dear Hairy,

It sounds to me like you’re on the right track; I’m sorry you haven’t been met with more success. I’d first encourage you to consult an occupational therapist. These reactions sound like they are large and persistent, which suggests that there might be some kind of sensory sensitivity going on. If that’s the case, it’s probably legitimately hard for him to withstand this brushing (and not just obstinance). Even if he doesn’t receive a diagnosis, an OT might still be able to consult with you and identify some tactics to deploy.

Meanwhile, have you tried a hair-brushing song? You could play it while you brush to both distract him and help him anticipate how long the chore will take. (My kids benefited from the Elmo teeth brushing song; once we started playing it, there were no more fights against the toothbrush.) You can find many options on YouTube; see if any jive with your son. In fact, maybe it doesn’t have to be about hair brushing at all; maybe you can just offer some high-value screen time. I’m not too proud to use screens as bribery during high-stress events! Knowing that he gets a short screen break might give your son the motivation he needs to grin and bear the brushing. (May I recommend Bluey minisodes or Forky Asks a Question, both on Disney Plus?)

If and when tantrums occur, remain dispassionate: “I know it’s hard, but if you can’t brush your hair, then you can’t have long hair. So do you choose to take a breath and let me brush, or do you choose for me to take you to the barber after school?” Those are the choices, and he is faced with that choice each time he starts to fuss, without judgment or a punitive tone. I hope you find a system that works for you all. Good luck!

Comments

[conuly]

At some point about 20 years ago white people where I live stopped tying their girls' hair back. (And their boys' hair back, if their boys had long hair.) It is thoroughly weird to me to this day to see these five year old kids with very long, very tangled loose hair. I keep wanting to say "Braid it!"

Anyway, here is what I remember from my (white) childhood and further from my niblings' (African-American) hair care:

1. Comb it while wet. Do not brush.
2. Braid it loosely overnight and shove it under a sleep cap.
3. If he'll accept it, rebraid in the morning so it stays tidy all day.

Braided hair doesn't tangle as easily. Because it's braided.

[nineveh_uk]

+1 So, so many letters to advice columns that could be boiled down to, why are you letting your child who hates hair-brushing wear long loose hair? They are not screen elves! Plait it.

[azurelunatic]

I couldn't have kept my long hair at all if it wasn't near-constantly braided. (That was pre-chemo; I got it tidied up last spring and it's about time for another maintenance trim.)

[neotoma]

I bet he has a sensitive scalp and the 'special' brush is wrong for his hair texture. His parents would do better to use a wide-toothed comb and a much gentler approach.

[minoanmiss]

I would not bet against you.

[aflaminghalo]

We’ve tried giving him ownership of it

He's 5...

Honestly, I bet mom's been absolutely dragging that brush through his head. I hated getting my hair brushed when my mum still did it just because she never even thought of being gentle.

[feldman]

"She never even lets me brush it out!" -- My mom to every aunt and cousin who managed to put me in pigtails by being gentle and responsive.

That said, I took over washing my own hair at 4 when an aunt showed me how to do it with my head forward so I didn't feel about to drown.

[harpers_child]

I am reminded of the family trip last summer where I became the only adult my 2 niblings would let brush their hair. Wide toothed comb. Lots of leave in conditioner. Lots of patience. A gentle reminder that if we put it up that it would be easier to brush in the evening. But I didn't make a big deal of it, clearly stated a goal, and let them choose entertainment while I did it. (And maybe convinced Spouse who has a similar hair texture and length to model a braided style for a day or two to show the kids it was okay.)