Annie's Mailbox: Fiancee Disapproves Of Female Facebook Friends

[minoanmiss]

Dear Annie: I'm a middle-aged man who has been divorced for four years. I am currently a caregiver for my mother, so I don't get out much. I've taken to many social media sites as a way to meet people with similar interests and have developed several relationships, purely platonic, with women I've met online. I also started an on-again, off-again romance with
an old flame. We live two hours apart. Six months ago, we decided to become exclusive and work on a future together.

The problem started when one of my female Facebook friends posted on my page and my girlfriend wanted to know who she was. From there, the floodgates opened. When I told her that many of my Facebook friends are women, she flipped out and said it was inappropriate for a guy in a committed relationship to have female Facebook friends. I tried to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, and frankly, I resent being told who my friends can be. After several days of this endless argument, I tried to be more sensitive to her needs and unfriended several of these women, hoping that would be the end of it. It wasn't.

The other day, I greeted a lady friend with the nickname "Sunshine." It's a name I use frequently, and it has no romantic overtones. We've been fighting about it ever since. She says she should be the only female friend I need. When I suggest this is about her insecurities, she says I'm seeking attention from other women.

She's a great girl, but I'm having serious reservations about committing to someone who is determined to find smoke so she can accuse me of starting fires. I have no history of cheating and zero interest. Any advice? ¡ª Faithful and Upset

Dear Faithful: We agree that your girlfriend seems insecure and controlling and will likely demand that you give up all of your female friends at some point. However, we believe she also is responding to the apparent fact that the majority of your friends are women. Your girlfriend attributes it to your desire for female attention. Please examine your behavior and ask yourself whether she has a point.

Comments

[kutsuwamushi]

I hate the idea that mixed gender friendships can't exist. It reminds me too much of the friendzone--which treats male friendships with women as a means to an end because women aren't interesting enough to be actual friends with.

It's complicated by the fact that many men believe the same thing; it isn't as though men never say they're just friends with a woman who they're pursuing. But that's by far not all men, and it's unfair and controlling to demand that someone end a friendship because of the fear of infidelity. It's also not kind to the women on the other end.

I wouldn't stay with someone who demanded that I end friendships unless it was over an issue like abuse.

[the_rck]

I really don't like the idea of someone ordering someone else to end a friendship.

I have, though, over the years, known a lot of guys who sincerely thought that they had to chop parts of their lives and/or personalities off to maintain relationships. Cases where the girlfriend disapproves of a particular hobby (usually tabletop RPGs back in the 1990s) or isn't interested in anyone who isn't a practicing Christian, things like that.

In the early 1990s, I got something like $80 worth of RPG books for about $20 from a guy who was giving up playing because his new girlfriend said he had to stop and get rid of all his stuff.

People do really weird things to hold onto relationships that they maybe ought to be thinking hard about getting out of.

A slightly different situation-- I had a male friend who was all set to give up RPGs permanently because he thought his fiancee might disapprove. He didn't ask her, and he'd been spending several hours a week playing while he was in grad school. She knew he had and simply assumed that they'd find a way for him to keep playing after they married and he moved to the state where she lived (she had a job that could support both of them; he had just finished grad school).

[lilysea]

In the early 1990s, I got something like $80 worth of RPG books for about $20 from a guy who was giving up playing because his new girlfriend said he had to stop and get rid of all his stuff.

That's tragic! :(

"Your mate John's behaviour skeeves me out, so if John is going to be in your roleplaying group, can you please have roleplaying games at [location that is not the house we share as a couple]"

is a reasonable request;

"Give up roleplaying games" is not.

[jadelennox]

Even "your roleplaying games is an expensive habit we can't afford / is something you prioritize over childcare / makes you act like a wanker for three days after every gaming session, and if you won't or can't fix that, then it's RPGs or me" is a reasonable request. But "give up RPGs" or "give up friends of my sex" are not.