agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My cousin is getting married in April and I am so worried he is making the biggest mistake of his life. He is an introverted homebody who is very close to his family and who collects vintage Lionel trains and old TV shows from the 1990s. She is a super extrovert who has cut off most of her family, but has a huge number of friends.

I see how my cousin looks at his fiancée like she is some kind of goddess. I never see her look at him like he is something special to her. I give their marriage a couple years at the most. If I could, I would persuade my cousin to call the whole thing off, but I guess that would be wrong, wouldn’t it? --- SO WRONG FOR EACH OTHER

DEAR SO WRONG FOR EACH OTHER: Odd couple though they appear to you, your cousin and his fiancée made the decision to get married. I can’t imagine that was taken lightly and without some serious thought on both sides.

I’ve known many highly successful marriages and long-term relationships between seemingly mismatched individuals. It may be their differences that make for a strong partnership. That may very well prove to be the story with your cousin and his soon-to-be bride.

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LW is not going to follow this advice, because LW thinks "She doesn't look at you the right way" is a compelling argument.

Dear LW: MYOB

Y'know, I think the advice isn't wrong necessarily but has some rose tinted glasses set firmly in place... but even if the columnist is WRONG about this marriage who really cares? Divorce is still legal and not the end of the world. Cousin and wife are grown-ups who get to make their own decisions and mistakes, for richer or poorer, for better and for worse.

I don't think "many" and "may be" are rose-tinted glasses. The columnist hasn't said, "Your cousin will definitely have a happy marriage and is as well-suited as can be with his fiancee," just: LW doesn't know, and should be reminded that they don't know.

If LW and cousin are close, then LW might ask cousin to share more about their relationship. And by my rule book, LW is allowed to express their concern ONCE, if they go about it by saying “I might be wrong but I am worried because…” and then backing off the desire to “persuade” and offering nothing but support.

I know quite a few “introverted neurodivergent/extrovert” partnerships that seem good.

My little brother, extremely introverted and definitely neurodivergent, is married to a very extroverted woman. They've been together for over a decade now. I wouldn't have picked her out for him, but as far as I can tell as someone outside the marriage, they're very happy, and I hope they stay that way. Let it go, LW.

Whooooooooooo boy.

Introverted & extroverted relationship: not doomed as long as the introverted partner has other people in their life (so the extrovert doesn't have to be Everything to them), and LW's cousin is close to his family, so that checks out. And as long as the extroverted partner has plenty of other people in their life: yup, lots of friends, good.

Hobbies: yes, your cousin has hobbies. Is LW using these specific hobbies as a stand-in for describing some kind of neurodivergence, and fears the fiancee is neurotypical? It can be tough, but some neurotypicals are OK... [This is a joke, I find many neurotypical people are great]

Family: look, LW, until you know the reason that the fiancee has cut off most of her family, please don't make the mistake of assuming that family means very little to her. If you don't know why, you could probably get away with asking your cousin something like "So, Fiancee isn't in touch with most of her family? That seems so sad. Have you talked with her about how that happened? I know family is so important to you." Note that this is a question for your cousin about if he has talked with her, it is not actually a question about what happened unless he chooses to share that with you. What you want to ascertain would be if that conversation has taken place, and then if your cousin is satisfied with the outcome of that discussion. Do not mistake a "won't talk to family / has a bunch of friends" as someone who considers family disposable. Extroverts can value every relationship they have quite deeply. It's possible that she has been rejected by her family of origin and has compensated for that loss by assembling a found family of her own choosing. Either way, she values family enough to invite your cousin into her immediate family (something she probably has not chosen to do with many of her friends).