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WTF did I just read.
Dear Annie: I'm a 73-year-old widow, and I lost my husband in 2018. I had two grown sons; one passed away last October, and the other no longer speaks to me. He believes I abandoned him, though we were never very close.
In 2012, he convinced me to move into a home he purchased, saying it would be best for my husband and me. Later, he claimed the mortgage required him to live there, too. Our relationship was strained; he barely acknowledged us unless he needed help with his son, my only grandchild.
One day, he casually asked if we had plans to move. I was stunned but took it as a sign we were no longer wanted. Wanting to spare my husband more stress, I arranged for us to leave while my son was at work. I know I should have spoken to him first, but I was intimidated by him. Later, I heard he was angry and felt abandoned.
We have barely spoken since. When my husband passed, he briefly reached out to deliver his ashes -- but he had me pay for the urn without telling me. When my other son died, he called out of obligation but never followed up. I tried reaching out, but his responses were short, so I stopped.
Now, I am alone, aging and in declining health. I want to reconnect, but he seems uninterested. I would like to leave him a letter when I pass, letting him know I always loved him, even though I struggled to express it. I feared talking to him because I felt inferior.
What should I say in this letter? --Lost and Lonely Mother
Dear Lost and Lonely Mother: First, let me say how deeply sorry I am for the losses you've endured. Deep sorrow from losses and the weight of unspoken words can be an unbearable burden. You clearly love your son, and it's heartbreaking that your relationship has become so distant.
If you'd like to leave him a letter, please do so! Tell him you've always loved him, even if you didn't always know how to show it. Acknowledge that misunderstandings and mistakes were made on both sides but that your love for him never wavered. Let him know you're proud of him, and no matter the distance between you, he has always mattered to you.
Most importantly, write the letter for YOU, too. It's a way to release the pain of the past and make peace with what you cannot change. Whether or not he embraces your words, you will have spoken your truth with love. But don't save the letter until after your death. Write it, and give it to him NOW.
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In 2012, he convinced me to move into a home he purchased, saying it would be best for my husband and me. Later, he claimed the mortgage required him to live there, too. Our relationship was strained; he barely acknowledged us unless he needed help with his son, my only grandchild.
One day, he casually asked if we had plans to move. I was stunned but took it as a sign we were no longer wanted. Wanting to spare my husband more stress, I arranged for us to leave while my son was at work. I know I should have spoken to him first, but I was intimidated by him. Later, I heard he was angry and felt abandoned.
We have barely spoken since. When my husband passed, he briefly reached out to deliver his ashes -- but he had me pay for the urn without telling me. When my other son died, he called out of obligation but never followed up. I tried reaching out, but his responses were short, so I stopped.
Now, I am alone, aging and in declining health. I want to reconnect, but he seems uninterested. I would like to leave him a letter when I pass, letting him know I always loved him, even though I struggled to express it. I feared talking to him because I felt inferior.
What should I say in this letter? --Lost and Lonely Mother
Dear Lost and Lonely Mother: First, let me say how deeply sorry I am for the losses you've endured. Deep sorrow from losses and the weight of unspoken words can be an unbearable burden. You clearly love your son, and it's heartbreaking that your relationship has become so distant.
If you'd like to leave him a letter, please do so! Tell him you've always loved him, even if you didn't always know how to show it. Acknowledge that misunderstandings and mistakes were made on both sides but that your love for him never wavered. Let him know you're proud of him, and no matter the distance between you, he has always mattered to you.
Most importantly, write the letter for YOU, too. It's a way to release the pain of the past and make peace with what you cannot change. Whether or not he embraces your words, you will have spoken your truth with love. But don't save the letter until after your death. Write it, and give it to him NOW.
Link
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Or just leave that out, because if the son sees this as abandonment, reading “we both made mistakes” is going to feel like LW is trying to spread the blame around. It’s risky. Just say all the loving stuff without that.
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My mother was, I may have said before, sometimes a bit difficult to get along with, something not even a little bit helped by her huge amounts of anxiety and her conviction that nobody really liked her. We had many arguments on the subject of "I can't go up one flight of stairs to spend time with the rest of the family, nobody wants me and I wasn't invited" (uh, no, she had a standing invitation because ffs it was her own house) but arguing never really worked because logic didn't enter into it.
So I read all this - Son buys a house for his parents, Son moves in with his parents, LW is convinced Son wants nothing to do with her even a little - and I wonder how much of this is anywhere close to reality land. "He called out of obligation" - according to whom? Did he actually say those words? "His responses were short" - and LW presumes this means he hates her and doesn't want to talk to her, but honestly, LW doesn't sound like she has any idea what's going on in anybody's head, even her own.
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My mom claims my sister stole thousands of dollars by promising to pay for my mom's movers the last time she had to move, and then sticking her with the bill. The version of reality that I remember is that my sister was very explicit about not being able to pay, and my mom reassured her that was fine, mom had no trouble paying, as long as my sister arranged them to come. I'm not sure at what point the narrative flipped for her.
So anyway, "but he had me pay for the urn without telling me" made me wonder...
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One day, he casually asked if we had plans to move. I was stunned but took it as a sign we were no longer wanted.
Oh no, LW.
Wanting to spare my husband more stress, I arranged for us to leave while my son was at work. So instead of first talking to her son to clear up any misunderstanding, LW moved out without a goodbye or an explanation>? No wonder he felt abandoned.
LW does say this: I feared talking to him because I felt inferior. I kind of understand that; maybe class or education differences made it harder for her to talk. But could LW not have enlisted her husband, or her other son, or a friend for support? Because that failure led to years of imho unnecessary misunderstanding, loneliness and heartbreak for both LW and her son.
I think LW and her son will need a mediator more than anything if she plans to reach out to him again. But I think she does need to reach out--without recrimination. She cannot afford any more misunderstanding here.
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So they just moved out without a word, while he was at work?
That is some serious family dysfunction.
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Why did he agree to moving in secret from his son?
Are the LW's sons his sons?
So many mysteries.
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