agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: I am an older woman, and not very mobile. I moved in with my son’s family following an injury. They have been very helpful and supportive. There is only one chair that I can get up from unassisted, in the living room. In the evenings, I like to watch TV there. I really have limited options of other things I can do. My daughter-in-law is resentful about my TV use.

When I was raising my son, our custom was to keep the TV on pretty much all the time. My daughter-in-law has told me many times that she wants to keep the TV off pretty much all the time. She won’t spend any time in the living room when the TV is on, even with the volume down. I’m not watching anything offensive, just game shows and network shows. She doesn’t bring up the TV often, but I can tell by her expressions that the TV bothers her.

My son got me a TV for my room, but I don’t want to be off by myself. He also got me a recording device so I can watch my shows when my daughter-in-law is at work, but I don’t understand how to use it. My son has tried to get my daughter-in-law to respect my TV watching, but I think it is causing some conflict between them. She is very stubborn.

How can I get my daughter-in-law to relax about my TV watching? Having the TV on didn’t seem to hurt my son when he was growing up. I don’t think it’s going to hurt my grandkids.
— J.

J.: Given how you’ve dug yourself in against adapting, the daughter-in-law isn’t alone in her stubbornness. I am sympathetic; I’m sure you’d prefer not to need your son and his family, and to be able to hop about the house at will. Independence dies hard.

However, you’re quick to dismiss the efforts — and expenditures — your family has made to compromise on the TV. And you’re also quick to attribute your daughter-in-law’s stance to her character, instead of considering that, just as you have concrete reasons for wanting the TV on, she might have concrete reasons for wanting it off.

For example: Even at a low volume, the TV is aural clutter, which annoys some people. It involves flickering light, also an irritant to some. (Game shows = flashy and noisy.) And, further, when the TV is on, it takes a room that might otherwise be used for many purposes — conversation, hobbies, reading — and co-opts it for a single purpose: watching TV. Your daughter-in-law could be generosity incarnate and still see TV as a blight. Plus — their kids, their call.

So, Suggestion 1: Lay off her. She opened her home and private life to you, and her preferences matter.

Suggestion 2: Have your son program anything you want to record, so all you need to learn is access. Then learn it.

I realize you’re fighting a lifelong habit. However, watching when you’re alone is the perfect, cooperative solution, and you owe it to this family to embrace it.

Third: Since you want the company, stay in the living room as people come home, TV off, with magazines, puzzles, crafts, anything you don’t plug in. In this home, that’s the inclusive move.

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DIL has made all the compromises, LW has made zero compromises, and LW still has the gall to say it's DIL who's being "stubborn". OMG.

LW hasn't considered the idea that not having the TV on all the time didn't hurt her daughter-in-law, and won't hurt her grandchildren. Even stipulating that it didn't hurt her son, that doesn't make it the best, or only, way to raise children.

We didn't have the TV on all the time when I was growing up, or even close to it, but there were still times when I was bored by, or actively disliked, the program someone else had decided to watch. I suspect that LW wouldn't be happy with being told "OK, you can have the TV on for an hour after dinner, but I'll decide what to watch," because it still wouldn't be "her shows."

I am a little sympathetic to LW: for some seniors, the TV is their only real entertainment, especially if they live alone. But LW doesn't live alone. I wonder how involved she is with the rest of the family.

Suggestion 3 might be for LW to move into an assisted care facility where unlimited TV viewing is definitely an option, either in her private room or in a communal lounge. But that might not be affordable, and sharing a TV with others in the lounge might be difficult, idk.

I do wonder that LW says there's only the one chair in the home that's accessible to her limited mobility. Would a second accessible chair in another room be helpful, or make her feel more included?

Unlimited TV viewing is already possible, both in LW's room and also, apparently, in the living room. But LW won't be happy unless they get the unlimited TV viewing and also DIL is enthusiastic about it.

But isn't LW complaining that TV viewing is not unlimited in the living room though? Though that's only because she refuses to embrace the advantages of PVR. Unless watching nighttime PVR recordings in the daytime interferes with her daytime TV shows, idk.

(I sympathise with DIL too, I don't like having the TV on at all either, unless someone is actively watching a program.)

Where does she say that she's not allowed or able to watch TV in the living room when she wants to? She says she likes to watch in the evenings and when she does so, DIL leaves the room.

Yes, DIL leaves the room--unwillingly. LW also says, She doesn’t bring up the TV often, but I can tell by her expressions that the TV bothers her.. LW is upset because she thinks DIL is being unreasonable--which probably is limiting LW's enjoyment of her shows. The PVR was supposed to solve that, by moving LW's TV watching to when DIL isn't around, but LW refuses to use it.

Right. LW is allowed to watch TV in the living room whenever she wants. But what she wants is to watch TV in the living room whenever she wants and also for DIL to hang out with her while she does this.

That is a thing she's not going to get.

She claims she doesn't want to be 'off by herself' watching in her room, but how far is she being with the rest of the family when she's hogging the living room with her taste in TV?

Because the only thing that will satisfy her is everybody else acquiescing to her viewing habits.

Having the TV on all the times sounds like noise pollution hell. I am team daughter in law.

Also, I wonder how often the TV is set to right wing programs like Fox?

Also, I wonder if a set of headphones paired to the TV, so the MIL can hear the volume as loud as she wants, but no one else in the room can, would be a helpful thing?

Also, I wonder how often the TV is set to right wing programs like Fox?

She says network TV and gameshows, so I'm going to go ahead and assume nothing overtly political and no news. Of course, a lot of network TV in the US - like, a lot - is procedurals, and that's never going to be to everybody's taste.

Also, I wonder if a set of headphones paired to the TV, so the MIL can hear the volume as loud as she wants, but no one else in the room can, would be a helpful thing?

I'd go a step further and get her a tablet - almost any network will let you watch live nowadays, won't they? And they'll certainly have their recently aired shows available for streaming.

Network TV and gameshows are so loud. DiL has been very forbearing about this.

What LW wants is to live exactly like she always has, centering her TV consumption in the home, and it's not fair at all to the rest of the family she lives with now.

I was shocked that headphones weren’t mentioned!!

And, as someone who absolutely cannot tolerate constant TV noise, there would be blood on the walls if I let someone move into my house and then they made it intolerable for me to exist in the main living space.

I agree that making sure that she has an accessible chair elsewhere is a good idea, but the letter writer is absolutely not willing to compromise in any way for the comfort of her family members!

Waaaah, headphones are UNCOMFORTABLE will be the next letter.

given how much this letter made my blood pressure skyrocket, I am so grateful for both Carolyn and all of you. 🩵

(she should have more accessible chairs, but also, OMG, taking over the family room with a habit the DIL hates, and refusing to partake in that (loud! annoying if you're not participating!) habit alone, and then getting mad that the DIL leaves the room. goddammit.)

My roommates used to joke that they knew how to make me leave a room: turn on the TV. I feel sympathy for LW in that most of the living room seats are inaccessible, but! Has her son also considered rigging things for her to watch the recorded programs from a tablet, as well? Tablet stands exist (which help with arm/hand fatigue when watching, and can let you knit or whatever while you watch), and that would reduce the flickering and visual nonsense for everyone else in the room.