Sense and Sensitivty: Meat-Eating Fiance Unhappy With Vegan Dinners

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a vegan since high school with no intention of stopping. My fiance, however, is an avid meat, dairy and egg eater. I don't care about what he chooses to put into his body, but we have been fighting about food preparation recently. “Alan” hates the plant-based lifestyle, and gripes that I won't just cook him a steak. I tell him he has the complete green light to go to the store, buy himself a steak and cook it. Since Alan doesn't want to do the food shopping or cooking, I tell him to suck it up or start being proactive. Is this too harsh? We've been fighting about this for over a year. -- Sticking to My Plants, Greenwich, Connecticut

DEAR STICKING TO MY PLANTS: If you and Alan are to be married, you two need to work this out. Would you be willing to cook all of the meals if he were to become vegan? If so, that means you are putting your foot down simply because he chooses to eat differently than you. That may not be the best way to start your marriage.

If your intention is to be the primary cook, you may want to learn how to cook a few meat dishes. By giving in a little, you can create space for the two of you to grow together. You may be able to introduce some of your favorite foods to him and get him to eat less meat over time, too!

Comments

[vass]

Since the LW doesn't mind her fiance cooking and eating meat, it's reasonable that she be willing to buy it if she's doing the grocery shopping anyway.

I used to be a vegan, and I found the meat aisle pretty upsetting in those days. If LW finds dealing with meat distressing, I don't think it's reasonable for her to do the meat shopping either. Also, depending on how integrated their finances are, she might object to doing the purchasing for something she's committed to a lifelong economic boycott of.

[shirou]

If the LW finds meat that distressing, I find it hard to believe she would say she doesn't "care about what he chooses to put into his body." I'm not trying to dismiss the legitimate concerns of vegans who want nothing to do with meat; I just don't think that's what this letter was about. If the LW's objections to meat are stronger than she indicates, she and her fiance may have deeper issues than the (already significant) problems about division of labor.

[vass]

Mileage varies widely on this, but when I was a vegan that is exactly where my line was. I didn't try to recruit people or criticise what they ate, I was okay with living with someone who ate meat and cooked meat for themselves, but I would not have wanted to be the one buying the meat for them.

[kaberett]

Nah, I'm vegetarian and fine with other people in my household consuming animal death product provided (1) they make the purchase, (2) they engage in safe storage that I don't have to interact with, and (3) they do all the cleaning up after. I know a bunch of people who have to eat meat for a wide variety of reasons, and that's cool, just -- absolutely Do Not make me deal with it. Which includes: I'm not willing to handle it enough to buy it, and I try to avoid those supermarket aisles.

I'll still give advice on cooking it because I know the theory better than a lot of meat-eaters because Cooking Is A Hobby, but that's "I'll give advice" not "I'll participate" except in exceptional circumstances (to pick the most recent: my mother having broken her arm and as such being unable to cook the 99th birthday meal for her father that he Expected).