agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My mother keeps giving me underhanded gifts. It’s happened for years. As an example, I have a badly scarred spine from scoliosis surgery, and she bought me a backless dress. I’m allergic to nuts, but she buys me peanut butter truffles. I’m recovering from body-image issues (which she caused by calling me fat throughout my childhood), and she sends me high-calorie foods. I’m 18 now, but she still sends me these underhanded gifts every single holiday. I’ve tried talking about it but she just plays the victim (i.e., “You don’t like what I bought you? Why do you hate your mother! I’m just trying my best!”) and I don’t know how to say, “Just stop giving me these insults covered in wrapping paper!” without hurting her feelings, because then she’ll cry to my dad, her parents, and my sisters that I hate her, and then I’m fighting with the entire family. How can I make her stop?

—Tired in Texas

Dear Texas,

While it’s difficult to deny the urge to play armchair psychologist and wonder at your mother’s passive-aggressiveness (not to mention her inability to take feedback without making it about her), I think it’s a better use of everyone’s time if you simply establish a blanket “No gifts” rule from the entire family for a while. Say that you’re trying to be less materialistic, and that you’d like to redirect any gifting efforts to your favorite charity. If the rule applies to the entire family, your mother can’t make it about her. Hopefully this way, you can finally enjoy trips to the mail room without dreading what barbed insult might be waiting for you.

If your mother continues to foist these loaded gifts onto you via mail, I give you permission to hand over the packages to a willing friend without even opening them—or ask the post office to return the package to sender. The second option may open up the conversation you’re trying to avoid, but you might be better off talking about the issue than skirting around it forever.

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The advice isn't terrible, but it's not great, either. For one thing, the columnist places no importance on LW's age - at 18, they may not be living at home, but they're probably still pretty reliant on Mom for financial support, and undoubtedly on the entire family for practical and emotional support as well. And I'd really prefer it if the columnist said bluntly "You can't make your mom treat you well, there is never going to be a perfect argument that makes her stop" because - honestly, I think LW needs to hear it.

Especially for an 18-year-old, too, saying "oh, you just shouldn't get ANY presents from ANYONE because your mother's presents are hurtful" is...kind of mean, honestly? No new jeans for you if yours wear a hole through the butt, you don't have enough money from your college work-study job to even buy textbooks, your mother is a jerk and for some reason that means Aunt Laura can't give you any either? What? come on, Prudence.

Right???

I wish it'd more clearly said that the rest of the family is enabling the mum, too.

Did Prudence actually READ the letter, or just have an intern mumble it to them between slurps of coffee?

Who even knows.

Dear LW:

You can't.

There is no way to say anything like that without hurting her feelings, because she is one big feeling ready to be hurt at all times.

Also, she's actively trying to hurt you. Just FYI.

Best you can do is stick with the rest of the family and love and be loved by them. But your mom is going to continue to Be Drama.

Am I the only one who caught the "allergic to nuts, but she buys me peanut butter truffles" statement?

Your mother is trying to kill you, full stop. I don't know why, but I seriously recommend having a nonallergic friend open any gifts from "Mom" and just donate them away each time the gift is inappropriate. Food presents to be shared among any friends who want in on it.

I've put Mom in quotes because my kid is 20 years old, and if I did this, I would want them to never speak to me again, and they're lactose intolerant with food aversions on texture issues. That's not a good, caring parent, that's an emotional leech.

I will admit it took me getting so annoyed at my mother trying to feed me an allergen every time I visited that I finally got someone to come with me who could drive, let my mother feed me the allergen, and then left her the bathroom wreck that resulted. It was an entire mess.

She has never tried again. (The allergy that would kill me is way easier to avoid, but this one just utter destroys my intestinal system. For now.)

I have a GI allergy like that too. I understand completely.