![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Eric: My mother has been horribly critical of everyone all my life, including myself. I’m 50, and am constantly being criticized, often in front of others, for the way I laugh, that she can hear me chew food, my sleeves, “at your age” are too short, and I wear slacks too often.
The fact that I have an informed opinion on current events comes under fire. As a result, I rarely bring up anything in her presence. But then she accuses me of ignoring her.
Truth is, I’m sick of putting up with the criticism that will follow anything I say or do in her presence. I’ve limited time with her, but my only sibling lives across the country and it’s too expensive for her and her family to come home as much as they’d like. My sister gets her share of criticism over the phone.
Nothing we’ve said will get it through our mother’s head, that it’s sometimes kinder to just keep your mouth shut if all you have to offer is useless and mean criticism.
I dread the day she becomes dependent on me, the only family in the area, to take her shopping and on errands and for any care. I know already, I won’t be able to do one thing right.
– Stuck
Dear Stuck: There’s just no pleasing some people. Especially when their worldview is perpetually tinted grey, and an unappealing shade of grey at that. There are solutions available to your mother, if she wants to make use of them. But right now, she doesn’t seem inclined to change and it’s not your job to make her.
You can begin to adjust the boundaries of your relationship by calling out comments or behavior that are unacceptable when they happen and without debate. Yes, this will get added to her list of grievances. That’s an unfortunate truth that you’ll have to accept.
But you don’t have to accept constant criticism, and you can let her know that that is the line for you now. What happens when she crosses the line? Maybe the conversation ends, or the visit. Maybe it’s simply a redirect. But if she keeps crossing the boundary, you’ll be right to disengage.
If and when she needs more help, the boundary doesn’t have to recede. In fact, it’s important that it doesn’t. If you’re driving her to the store and she’s haranguing you about your sleeves, for instance, the response might be, “My attire is off-limits for conversation. If you can’t help yourself, then we can’t go to the store together. I’ll drop you back at home and get the groceries myself.”
This won’t always be easy. And it will require a lot more communication – something that’s difficult with someone so critical. But continuing to advocate for yourself and creating fair and clear consequences will help you both.
Link
The fact that I have an informed opinion on current events comes under fire. As a result, I rarely bring up anything in her presence. But then she accuses me of ignoring her.
Truth is, I’m sick of putting up with the criticism that will follow anything I say or do in her presence. I’ve limited time with her, but my only sibling lives across the country and it’s too expensive for her and her family to come home as much as they’d like. My sister gets her share of criticism over the phone.
Nothing we’ve said will get it through our mother’s head, that it’s sometimes kinder to just keep your mouth shut if all you have to offer is useless and mean criticism.
I dread the day she becomes dependent on me, the only family in the area, to take her shopping and on errands and for any care. I know already, I won’t be able to do one thing right.
– Stuck
Dear Stuck: There’s just no pleasing some people. Especially when their worldview is perpetually tinted grey, and an unappealing shade of grey at that. There are solutions available to your mother, if she wants to make use of them. But right now, she doesn’t seem inclined to change and it’s not your job to make her.
You can begin to adjust the boundaries of your relationship by calling out comments or behavior that are unacceptable when they happen and without debate. Yes, this will get added to her list of grievances. That’s an unfortunate truth that you’ll have to accept.
But you don’t have to accept constant criticism, and you can let her know that that is the line for you now. What happens when she crosses the line? Maybe the conversation ends, or the visit. Maybe it’s simply a redirect. But if she keeps crossing the boundary, you’ll be right to disengage.
If and when she needs more help, the boundary doesn’t have to recede. In fact, it’s important that it doesn’t. If you’re driving her to the store and she’s haranguing you about your sleeves, for instance, the response might be, “My attire is off-limits for conversation. If you can’t help yourself, then we can’t go to the store together. I’ll drop you back at home and get the groceries myself.”
This won’t always be easy. And it will require a lot more communication – something that’s difficult with someone so critical. But continuing to advocate for yourself and creating fair and clear consequences will help you both.
Link
no subject
The most important thing, which I wish Eric had spelled out, is that LW needs to drop this idea that just because LW is "the only family in the area" they're therefore obligated to accept Mom becoming dependent on them - on her terms, no less!
Instead, LW should ask themself "What would Mom do if I dropped dead? Or if, by the time she's 90, I'm in failing health in my 70s?" Surely she'd cope? Mean people always do. So, having asked that question, LW should speak to Sister about what they are both able and willing to pay for to help Mom. Home assistance instead of LW doing the cleaning. Grocery delivery instead of LW driving Mom to the store. If things are really bad, assisted living because nobody will help her stay in her own home.
Nothing we’ve said will get it through our mother’s head, that it’s sometimes kinder to just keep your mouth shut if all you have to offer is useless and mean criticism.
LW also needs it spelled out, more bluntly than Eric did, that you don't need to convince Mom to be kind. You just need to convince her that you won't accept her being mean.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
She’d be better off setting much broader limits on how much time she spends with mom/ where she goes with mom (if mom criticizes her in front of others, then not to social settings)/ what happens when mom criticizes (warn once, then hang up or leave). She should get mom and other siblings thinking about the need for backup care options by going out of the area for a week periodically — after the first time, without much notice (because often that’s how it works out when someone is a sole csregiver).