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Dear Eric: My brother and I have been estranged for decades, due to consecutive “family incidents” that accumulated, unresolved, over years.
A little over a year ago, I learned through a mutual friend that my brother has an incurable cancer – the kind that is hereditary and would place me at a significantly elevated risk. I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor, which took four months. And then testing that also took months to come back.
During this time, I was anxiously awaiting results knowing that the cancer could be silently developing in me. I was also upset that my brother and his family did not share this news with me so that I could undergo testing ASAP.
I heard his condition was worsening so I swallowed my pride and resentment and knocked on his door to visit him. He calmly said he was “not interested” and that was that. I feel torn should he pass; do I show up and pay respects knowing his family chose not to give me a “heads up” on the disease I may have? (I tested negative but need annual testing for the rest of my life.) I’m not sure I’d be welcome. I also assume that, unless my brother reaches out to me, he wouldn’t want me to attend his funeral service. What to do?
– Estranged Brother
Dear Brother: The stress that you felt waiting for medical answers was awful; I’m sorry you went through it. It was compounded by a feeling of betrayal – how could they not let you know? Now that you have answers, try to disentangle the two threads. Because they’re separate stories.
While it would have been helpful for your brother to let you know about his diagnosis, he didn’t actually cause the stress. He didn’t create the genetic predisposition, nor did he tie up your doctor’s office for four months. I know you know this, but it’s easy for all of us to look for a place to put our anxiety. When we feel helpless, as medical uncertainties often make us feel, we want someone or something to blame. Try to release him from that blame.
If you can, you’ll have a clearer view of what you’ll need at his passing.
This also relates to what you’re doing with your grief now – because you’re already feeling it – and what you’re going to need to help you mark the complicated relationship and the emotions that arise later. Paying your respects may look like having a private commemoration on your own or with your wife. It may look like taking a moment in nature to wish him well on his journey and to forgive the things you couldn’t forgive each other for in life.
You also may find that you want to go to his funeral when the time comes, but you should be clear with yourself about who you’re there for. If you’re going to provide comfort to people who don’t want comfort from you, you’ll feel just as unresolved afterward.
Link
A little over a year ago, I learned through a mutual friend that my brother has an incurable cancer – the kind that is hereditary and would place me at a significantly elevated risk. I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor, which took four months. And then testing that also took months to come back.
During this time, I was anxiously awaiting results knowing that the cancer could be silently developing in me. I was also upset that my brother and his family did not share this news with me so that I could undergo testing ASAP.
I heard his condition was worsening so I swallowed my pride and resentment and knocked on his door to visit him. He calmly said he was “not interested” and that was that. I feel torn should he pass; do I show up and pay respects knowing his family chose not to give me a “heads up” on the disease I may have? (I tested negative but need annual testing for the rest of my life.) I’m not sure I’d be welcome. I also assume that, unless my brother reaches out to me, he wouldn’t want me to attend his funeral service. What to do?
– Estranged Brother
Dear Brother: The stress that you felt waiting for medical answers was awful; I’m sorry you went through it. It was compounded by a feeling of betrayal – how could they not let you know? Now that you have answers, try to disentangle the two threads. Because they’re separate stories.
While it would have been helpful for your brother to let you know about his diagnosis, he didn’t actually cause the stress. He didn’t create the genetic predisposition, nor did he tie up your doctor’s office for four months. I know you know this, but it’s easy for all of us to look for a place to put our anxiety. When we feel helpless, as medical uncertainties often make us feel, we want someone or something to blame. Try to release him from that blame.
If you can, you’ll have a clearer view of what you’ll need at his passing.
This also relates to what you’re doing with your grief now – because you’re already feeling it – and what you’re going to need to help you mark the complicated relationship and the emotions that arise later. Paying your respects may look like having a private commemoration on your own or with your wife. It may look like taking a moment in nature to wish him well on his journey and to forgive the things you couldn’t forgive each other for in life.
You also may find that you want to go to his funeral when the time comes, but you should be clear with yourself about who you’re there for. If you’re going to provide comfort to people who don’t want comfort from you, you’ll feel just as unresolved afterward.
Link
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LW would possibly benefit from therapy.
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LW did get a heads up though, albeit indirectly, via the mutual friend. Possibly as soon as the friend learned about the diagnosis--which might have been soon after LW's brother got the diagnosis. For all LW knows, their brother may have asked their mutual friend to inform LW. In this case I'd say LW should give their brother the benefit of the doubt on this one.
(Unless the mutual friend broke the news by saying, "I'm not supposed to tell you your brother is sick, but..." Even then, what good would it do LW to hold on to the resentment they feel because the family didn't inform them directly? Either way, LW found out and is being monitored. Still give the benefit of the doubt, because LW has an advantage their brother never did. I hope LW will seek counselling here.)
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If LW's presence might comfort other close relatives, going would make more sense than if nobody wanted them there. I'm not sure how much to read into the fact that the LW doesn't mention relatives other than the brother's family. My advice, frankly, would be "talk to someone who knows more about this," whether that "someone" is a therapist, the friend who passed on the news about the brother's illness, a relative LW is still talking to, or someone else who could ask things like "are you angry at him, is he angry at you, or both?"
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I hear you with the medical delays, and it's especially devastating for cancer and other progressive diseases where every month could mean worse options for treatment.
Assuming you have the time and energy, this is the sort of thing that deserves naming and shaming. I recommend: to the medical system where you had this happen with the fact that you'll be telling everyone you know about this, to your insurance company, in public on your social media with details about the medical system and insurance company, and on any review sites where people would look for information about doctors. (In my area, Google Maps has a lot of medical reviews, and I'm sure there are doctor rating websites.)
Be specific and factual. Admit to any places where your actions could have affected the delay, but -- four months?!?!?! That's not acceptable, regardless of whatever you did. Accompany it with an appropriately devastating star review.
Solidarity.