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Bonus letter from a column in the last post
Dear Care and Feeding,
One recent morning, just after my wife, “Lauren,” left for preschool with our 4-year-old daughter, “Aria,” I discovered Aria’s goldfish dead in its bowl. When Lauren got back, I remarked how difficult this would be for Aria, since she got “Max” as a present for her second birthday and had had him for so long. I began to go over ways for us to break the news to her, but Lauren stopped me and said not to worry. Turns out this is Max No. 4.
According to Lauren, Aria’s first fish died five months after we got it; No. 2 lasted seven months; No. 3, eight months. Max 4.0 was the most recent casualty. Each time one of the fish has passed, Lauren has replaced it without Aria’s knowledge. The first two times she found the fish dead while Aria was at daycare and replaced it before she came home. When Max #3 died, Aria found him, but Lauren told her Max was sleeping and that he would be awake by the time she got back from daycare.
When I asked Lauren just how long she planned on continuing the charade, she said that maybe when Aria is 5 or 6 she will “be mature enough to handle it” when some future incarnation of Max dies. I told Lauren this sort of deception is unhealthy, and the fallout will be far worse than if we had been honest with her. She said there will only be fallout if I tell Aria, and if I do, it will be on me when Aria needs years of therapy to get over the “trauma.”
I understand losing a pet is very sad for a child, but it’s part of life. If anything, I think the pain and sense of betrayal that Aria will feel at being lied to by us would be far worse than the temporary sorrow she would experience over losing a goldfish. And I have no desire to repeat this with our younger son once he is old enough to have a pet. I have said as much to my wife, but she’s made clear that I am to keep this farce going, end of discussion. My suggestion that we speak to a therapist to come up with a way to resolve this was dismissed out of hand. Any recommendations for getting her to see sense?
—If He’s Dyin’, We’re Lyin’
Dear Lyin’,
Kids between the ages of 2 and 4 have essentially no comprehension of the permanence of death, and so I view your wife’s elisions of Max’s deaths as victimless crimes. If a person in your life died, I’d insist upon a more honest reckoning, but if you plan to replace the $3 goldfish anyway, what is the point of getting into it and trying to explain to your child a concept that she is simply cognitively not prepared to understand? Keep the peace; buy new fish.
The crime with a victim here is that she didn’t tell you about it. If I had to go on biannual emergency runs to the pet store, racing the ticking clock of a kid’s return from day care, I would have a good old time telling my wife all about it when she got home from work. That she didn’t want to tell you is both funny and alarming. It’s almost as if your wife has spent two years shielding not only her small child from the reality of her goldfish’s mortality but also shielding you, her husband.
Anyways, this clearly has to stop. Explain to her what the real problem is, and stress that the two of you, together, need to come up with the proper age to tell a child that a goldfish has died, rather than her making arbitrary parenting decisions and then not telling you about them. (For what it’s worth, I think Lauren’s based-on-nothing guess of 5 or 6 is basically correct.) You should be able to reach this agreement without going to therapy about it. Good luck.
Link
One recent morning, just after my wife, “Lauren,” left for preschool with our 4-year-old daughter, “Aria,” I discovered Aria’s goldfish dead in its bowl. When Lauren got back, I remarked how difficult this would be for Aria, since she got “Max” as a present for her second birthday and had had him for so long. I began to go over ways for us to break the news to her, but Lauren stopped me and said not to worry. Turns out this is Max No. 4.
According to Lauren, Aria’s first fish died five months after we got it; No. 2 lasted seven months; No. 3, eight months. Max 4.0 was the most recent casualty. Each time one of the fish has passed, Lauren has replaced it without Aria’s knowledge. The first two times she found the fish dead while Aria was at daycare and replaced it before she came home. When Max #3 died, Aria found him, but Lauren told her Max was sleeping and that he would be awake by the time she got back from daycare.
When I asked Lauren just how long she planned on continuing the charade, she said that maybe when Aria is 5 or 6 she will “be mature enough to handle it” when some future incarnation of Max dies. I told Lauren this sort of deception is unhealthy, and the fallout will be far worse than if we had been honest with her. She said there will only be fallout if I tell Aria, and if I do, it will be on me when Aria needs years of therapy to get over the “trauma.”
I understand losing a pet is very sad for a child, but it’s part of life. If anything, I think the pain and sense of betrayal that Aria will feel at being lied to by us would be far worse than the temporary sorrow she would experience over losing a goldfish. And I have no desire to repeat this with our younger son once he is old enough to have a pet. I have said as much to my wife, but she’s made clear that I am to keep this farce going, end of discussion. My suggestion that we speak to a therapist to come up with a way to resolve this was dismissed out of hand. Any recommendations for getting her to see sense?
—If He’s Dyin’, We’re Lyin’
Dear Lyin’,
Kids between the ages of 2 and 4 have essentially no comprehension of the permanence of death, and so I view your wife’s elisions of Max’s deaths as victimless crimes. If a person in your life died, I’d insist upon a more honest reckoning, but if you plan to replace the $3 goldfish anyway, what is the point of getting into it and trying to explain to your child a concept that she is simply cognitively not prepared to understand? Keep the peace; buy new fish.
The crime with a victim here is that she didn’t tell you about it. If I had to go on biannual emergency runs to the pet store, racing the ticking clock of a kid’s return from day care, I would have a good old time telling my wife all about it when she got home from work. That she didn’t want to tell you is both funny and alarming. It’s almost as if your wife has spent two years shielding not only her small child from the reality of her goldfish’s mortality but also shielding you, her husband.
Anyways, this clearly has to stop. Explain to her what the real problem is, and stress that the two of you, together, need to come up with the proper age to tell a child that a goldfish has died, rather than her making arbitrary parenting decisions and then not telling you about them. (For what it’s worth, I think Lauren’s based-on-nothing guess of 5 or 6 is basically correct.) You should be able to reach this agreement without going to therapy about it. Good luck.
Link
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I don't think they need to tell the daughter about the replacement fish but just tell her this one died & then don't get more fish. Maybe a plant or something? Anyway, at 4 any pet is more of a family pet...
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This. Sheesh. This is something my parents did much better than LW and especially his wife are doing, and LW, you do not want that judgement.
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