agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife (we divorced 40 years ago) recently did something I would never dream of doing: She threw herself an elaborate catered party for her 70th birthday. Our daughter and her husband attended, as did I, along with a dozen of my ex's longtime friends. She gave each of us a copy of her self-published book of poems.

It all left me with very mixed emotions. Is this a thing people do all the time and no one told me? Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention? Either (or both) would be consistent with what I’ve observed of her personality over the decades.

I don’t know if I should feel happy or embarrassed for her -- or even sad. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That it no doubt provided bemused fodder for you to gossip about afterwards. For that, Miss Manners would think you would be grateful. Because if your former wife is not sad or embarrassed, why should you be?

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LW has been divorced from this woman for longer than they were ever married. Their daughter must be older now than they were then.

Who writes to an advice columnist for "I don't know how to feel about this"?

Furthermore, why send this question to Miss Manners if it's about feelings? I could see asking her "Is it appropriate to throw oneself a birthday party and hand out copies of your self-published book of poems?" But I imagine the answer I'd get back is some version of yes, be polite as a guest, and you needn't read the poems.

What were they expecting?

different people do different things - obviously he'd never consider throwing himself such a party, but he admits that it is consistent with what he believes to be her personality/behavior. I'm not sure he needs to feel anything for her. there was a party, he didn't quite grok the host's reasons for throwing it, and now he's got a book of poetry to read

I’m baffled by the idea that someone shouldn’t be the center of attention at their own birthday party. WTF? They’re hosting it, it’s to celebrate that they’ve survived another year, of course it’s about them!

Why is it so odd for a 70-year-old to celebrate their birthday in a big way?? It is a milestone, after all. It doesn't mean that LW or anybody else is obliged to do the same.

I think it's "supposed" to be like a wedding shower, where someone else plans the party? But that doesn't make a ton of sense to me in the case of a well-off person who can afford to have a nice catered party for themselves if they like. Cf. Bilbo Baggins.

Showers are hosted by another person because it allows us all to pretend they're not just gift grabs. Oh! Gosh! I'm so surprised by this shower I totally didn't want or expect and all these gifts! Golly!

Birthday parties are not held to the same rule because outside of childhood there's no huge expectation that all your friends will bring you a gift just because you turned a year older.

One of my aunts had a huge "celebration of life" party for her 55th birthday - she rented out a local theater, got catering, had a Rod Stewart impersonator and someone dressed as Santa Claus (party was Thanksgiving weekend), and did a toys and pajamas collection for a local shelter. Turned out that she knew her cancer (which she had for 9 years at that point) was reaching its end stages so she wanted to do something big while she had a plausible excuse and had energy to enjoy it. Maybe this LW needs to just stop being a grump and maybe not go to a fun party if he doesn't want to go.

People can be such grinches about things that do not in any way hurt them. I throw myself a birthday party every year. It's an excuse for me to make and share a bunch of Cincinnati chili, and people know not to bring gifts. It sounds like the ex shouldered the costs of this party. Why on Earth would that bother someone?

That was a pretty short marriage that ended a very long time ago (in the 1980s!!), so LW imo shouldn't be concerning themselves over what their ex-wife does or doesn't do outside of anything concerning their daughter (who is an adult now).

Even if they were STILL married the (ex) wife should be able to throw herself an elaborate party for any reason at all without judgment. Even for NO reason at all. But especially a birthday party. 70 is a good age to reach and if she can afford to do it in todays economy, then why not? Life is short and should be celebrated by those that want to do so.

LW, if you're so bothered by the idea of this party, you could've said "sorry, I'm not available that weekend, but happy birthday!" No one's expecting you to throw a party yourself if you don't want to.

...we're not only okay with things that people do all the time. This harmless thing would be absolutely fine even if zero other people had ever thrown themself a 70th birthday party.

Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention?

It can be both! And both can be fine! It's fine to want to be the center of attention on occasion!

It has become a massive pet peeve of mine that others speak so disparagingly about other people doing things "for attention." We all want attention and to be appreciated and gassed up sometimes. It doesn't have to coincide with never letting anyone else have the spotlight ever.

Bonus points for the fact that the sort of people who dismiss others’ attention-seeking behavior also feel absolutely entitled to yours: “It’s not too hard—-you’re just whining to get attention…LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”

When you’re right you’re right lol. I wish I could advise the wife not to invite this person to any more of her birthday parties.

And now I’m wondering whether the poetry collection might include her side of the story.

It's been 40 years, more than half her life. Maybe she's over it.

HA I mean, maybe he's alluded to at one poem in the beginning, but I would bet she has had a long and full life without him, as opposed to just a life... a full poetry collection might be more than the relationship deserved.

Excellent point; “To me, you were Tuesday” might be even better revenge.

No one told you, bro.

I'm sorry but - if I make it to 70, I am throwing myself a huge catered birthday party and I will expect everyone to be nice to me! LW's ex-wife seems like fun and he sounds like a party pooper.

He seems to make it obvious why he's the ex....

God, I wish I had "problems" like this one.

I used to frequent an etiquette site—Etiquette Hell, maybe?—and opinion on there was RIGID on the FACT that one must not throw one's own birthday party. I assume those holding such FIRM and DEFINITE opinions were Americans who belonged to a very tightly defined group in which people have plenty of spare cash available to throw magnificent birthday parties for friends to whom they are not, for instance, married.

As a European who subscribes to the view that if I want a birthday party, I'll organise one, I always thought it absurd. But I darkly suspect that the letter writer here subscribes to that very opinion, and expects Miss Manners to agree. (I think the old Miss Manners would have agreed.)

My opinion is that once you're an adult, you're the one giving the most fucks about your birthday; throwing your own party means you a) definitely get a party, b) get the sort of party that you want, and c) don't have to drop passive aggressive hints.

Probably throwing yourself a party every year might seem a little much, but definitely milestones are fine. I did myself a party for turning 40 and have zero regrets.

I threw myself a 30th birthday party back in 2015; it was a good excuse for me to have a bunch of people come see the home I'd purchased three months earlier, and it was a lot of fun! My birthday is in mid-July so as a kid my parties were usually small since a lot of people would be away for summer vacation; it was nice to have a party as an adult and actually have people show up!

I’m either going to plan my own 70th birthday party or have none, because at that age one’s remaining life’s too short to leave it up to one’s friends to get it right.

If there are any meaningful etiquette suggestions around throwing one’s own party, they might boil down to “you can’t just throw yourself a party any time you like and expect people to pony up presents.” In this case presents weren’t mentioned and many 70 year olds aren’t gonna want more stuff.

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