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Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law, “Mia,” is dying of cancer, and I want to find a path that respects her wishes without throwing our blended family into chaos. My husband and I married two years ago after one year of dating. We each have two teenage children. Blending the families has been difficult, but we’re in a mostly good place now.
Mia is a lovely woman who was very welcoming to me and my children. When she got sick, I noticed “tiers” forming in the family. She wanted just her two kids, no in-laws, involved in decisions about her care. Sometimes she would ask my brother-in-law and me to leave the room during her treatment. I have been respectful of that, but it’s not the greatest feeling.
Mia also requested that once she enters hospice, her visitors be limited to just her children, biological grandchildren, and sister and brother — no in-laws, no steps. She would like to say her goodbyes to the rest of the family before.
I find this somewhat hurtful, but I think my children will find it extremely hurtful, and I worry it will throw off the household peace. I have asked my husband to speak to his mom, but he is unwilling to. He feels it is more important that she doesn’t feel pressured than other people’s feelings be considered. I fully recognize that Mia has the final say, but I worry about the long-term consequences. Should I speak to my husband again? Speak to Mia myself? Accept her decision?
Tier: Accept her decision, please. You and your kids basically just arrived in Mia’s life. I don’t think it stands as any kind of statement on your worth that she reserves her last attention for people she has known their whole lives.
Your job is to make it clear to your kids that dying is difficult and stressful on the dying, not just on their families — and Mia can love and appreciate them and reasonably say her goodbyes to them upon entering hospice. (Which, by the way, patients don’t necessarily “enter,” like a facility; it’s a change in type of care.)
I could easily argue the “tiers” you find upsetting are quite fair. It’s fair to give the people closest to Mia more of her limited days. So even within the tier of people visiting during hospice, I expect some (say, her two children) will see her more than others (sibs or grands). We really are allowed to be closer to some people than others, no? As long as there isn’t arbitrariness or cruelty within tiers, like allowing in favorites but not black sheep.
As for wanting a say in Mia’s care, please stop. My family dealt with several parental illnesses, and my sisters and I handled their care. That was utterly appropriate, and none of our partners said boo. Ailing adults get to choose their advisory boards — be it one partner, just their kids or 15 chosen family. Access is not portioned out based on loved ones’ sensitivities.
I don't mean this to be snarky. Just trying to establish that inclusion is not relevant. Only Mia is. Again: Your job is to help your children understand inner and outer rings without internalizing it into doubts of their worth. That flows from you.
One reader’s thought:
· You seem to be making the process of Mia’s dying very much about what you want and very little about what she wants. Please stop and think about that. Then see if you can’t give your husband’s dying mother the gift of empathy and selflessness.
Link
Mia is a lovely woman who was very welcoming to me and my children. When she got sick, I noticed “tiers” forming in the family. She wanted just her two kids, no in-laws, involved in decisions about her care. Sometimes she would ask my brother-in-law and me to leave the room during her treatment. I have been respectful of that, but it’s not the greatest feeling.
Mia also requested that once she enters hospice, her visitors be limited to just her children, biological grandchildren, and sister and brother — no in-laws, no steps. She would like to say her goodbyes to the rest of the family before.
I find this somewhat hurtful, but I think my children will find it extremely hurtful, and I worry it will throw off the household peace. I have asked my husband to speak to his mom, but he is unwilling to. He feels it is more important that she doesn’t feel pressured than other people’s feelings be considered. I fully recognize that Mia has the final say, but I worry about the long-term consequences. Should I speak to my husband again? Speak to Mia myself? Accept her decision?
Tier: Accept her decision, please. You and your kids basically just arrived in Mia’s life. I don’t think it stands as any kind of statement on your worth that she reserves her last attention for people she has known their whole lives.
Your job is to make it clear to your kids that dying is difficult and stressful on the dying, not just on their families — and Mia can love and appreciate them and reasonably say her goodbyes to them upon entering hospice. (Which, by the way, patients don’t necessarily “enter,” like a facility; it’s a change in type of care.)
I could easily argue the “tiers” you find upsetting are quite fair. It’s fair to give the people closest to Mia more of her limited days. So even within the tier of people visiting during hospice, I expect some (say, her two children) will see her more than others (sibs or grands). We really are allowed to be closer to some people than others, no? As long as there isn’t arbitrariness or cruelty within tiers, like allowing in favorites but not black sheep.
As for wanting a say in Mia’s care, please stop. My family dealt with several parental illnesses, and my sisters and I handled their care. That was utterly appropriate, and none of our partners said boo. Ailing adults get to choose their advisory boards — be it one partner, just their kids or 15 chosen family. Access is not portioned out based on loved ones’ sensitivities.
I don't mean this to be snarky. Just trying to establish that inclusion is not relevant. Only Mia is. Again: Your job is to help your children understand inner and outer rings without internalizing it into doubts of their worth. That flows from you.
One reader’s thought:
· You seem to be making the process of Mia’s dying very much about what you want and very little about what she wants. Please stop and think about that. Then see if you can’t give your husband’s dying mother the gift of empathy and selflessness.
Link
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I have just come out of a situation where I was visiting a loved one in hospice. Yes, I am glad that we could have that time together, that I could bring him comfort. But he was my great-uncle, and even though he was more like a grandfather in level of closeness, it was totally appropriate that his very last few days were with his daughters, not with me. Also I cooked for his eldest, she did not cook for me. Because really. Really. And what you're saying about it not being a fun job was true even a week before his death rather than the day of. I was privileged to do some of it, but it had to work around his needs and care.
The kids being treated fairly around the house will never translate to their relationships with the world being entirely the same as each other, and teenagers are very much old enough to know that. The questions here should be 1) how can we support the dying person in the way that works for her as she dies; 2) how can we support husband and his kids in the way that works for them as they lose a mom/grandma; even 3) how can we support his sibling and their kids; and only bringing up the rear at 4) how can we have a good experience ourselves.
Life will continue to be like this for these teens! They will have a different relationship with their college roommate or new co-worker than that person has with someone they've known their whole life. That's reasonable, that's a reflection of reality, that's something to get super-comfortable with now.
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He would have liked to visit with more people, but it just wasn’t physically possible.
(I’m still annoyed that a missed diagnosis had him in stroke recovery rehab — also exhausting — rather than giving him a chance to see more friends and family when he was still able to talk and had more energy.)
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Hard to believe someone can write all this out very clearly and not see what it says, but education in the humanities gets no respect...
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So, they've known this woman... what, two years? One? And they didn't meet her when they were little, either. Would they expect her to consider them her actual factual grandkids?
I think LW should do more to find out what they feel than simply assuming they'll be hurt. But then, I always think that when people invoke other people's bad feelings to win an argument.
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Maybe I'm a weirdo but the second my kids marry someone with kids those kids are my grandkids. They don't have to pass a probation period to reach that status. I know that probably sounds snarky but I am 100% perplexed at the idea that they wouldn't instantly be my grandkids.
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I'm just responding to what this letter makes me see in Mia. Which is also hypothetical. Lol
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A good and fun comparison is, who would you like to have in the room with you when you are tortured? You'll find yourself making tiers very quickly, and I'm sorry to say that one of the criteria is, will this person forgive and still love me if I should happen to snap at them when I'm trying to tell the nurse that we're having a chemo spill and she just isn't getting it. Or, will this person be able to hear me whispering that I'm not okay with something that's going on, and then raise a fuss until the people in charge make it right. Sometimes this level of vulnerability is arbitrary AF.
Please, please, please, please make sure that all the kids, and yourself, but especially the kids, have access to counseling. You should not be the only person trying to hold the kids together here. The cancer center may have resources for this that your own health plan doesn't exactly.