agonyaunt | (no subject)

I am in my late 30s and in a great relationship. We’ve decided to move in together when our separate apartment leases end. We are both very tidy. But I am a clean freak because I grew up in a chaotic, dirty home. It took me years of therapy and self-help to deal with this. My boyfriend is just the opposite: I’ve visited his parents in the beautiful home where he grew up. Now, I am panicked about taking him to visit my childhood home. My parents are dirty and messy. Think: grime and roaches and leaving open cans of cat food on the kitchen counter for days. Telling my parents that I don’t want to bring my boyfriend to visit because I’m embarrassed to bring anyone there would hurt their feelings — which I can’t do. And when I’ve gone home by myself to clean, it causes arguments with them. What should I do?

DAUGHTER

First, let me applaud you for doing the hard work that was required for you to live differently from the way you were raised. It sounds to me, though — and this is no criticism — that you have not worked through the shame you feel about your parents and your childhood. And I can tell you from experience that there is no magic pill for dealing with shame.

Still, one of the great comforts of being in a loving relationship is sharing our darker feelings with a partner and lightening our loads. (And yes, we all have them!) You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, but I am going to assume that you would not be moving in together, as adults, unless you were serious about each other.

So, I suggest postponing your joint visit to your parents’ home until you can talk candidly with your boyfriend about the challenges you faced growing up — and the work you’ve done to overcome them. I know that may be a scary prospect! And you may need to go back to your therapist for help with that conversation. But I promise you that if this guy is the right guy, then sharing your vulnerabilities with him will only invite him to do the same — and deepen your relationship.

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So, I grew up in actual squalor, especially after my father died. It was at least as bad as LW's home, possibly worse depending on what exactly they're leaving out.

And I could tell LW, from my own experience, that if you commit your life to keeping your parents' secrets in order to spare their feelings then it would be better to literally die of shame. Which is exactly what happens to a lot of hoarders, by the way - they get injured or sick in their home, possibly because of the conditions in which they live, or their house has a dangerous defect that could be fixed but won't be because they don't dare have anybody come inside. And then they die, and their children have to come clean about the filth after all.

So you may as well tell the truth right from the get-go. It won't help the parents*, but at least LW will feel better once it's all out in the open.

* Anecdotally, an absolutely weird number of hoarders seem to magically improve if they simply... move. It doesn't matter if moving is caused by a sudden desire to retire to be closer to the grandkids or the house burning down, it's like getting into a new place resets whatever it was that caused the problem. This is definitely not a cure-all, there's at least as many who move and bring all their stuff with them, or dump it on the kids and then get new stuff in the new place, but I know of at least three people who have had that happen to their parents and - well, as I said, that is a weird number of hoarders. Even one is a weird number in this context.

It sounds as though it may or may not be specifically hoarding going on. But most people these days have heard of hoarding and decent people have sympathy for that situation, so it might be a good shorthand way of broaching the topic even if it's not quite accurate. "My parents, you know, they're - they're sort of hoarders. I never told you before because it was hard to talk about ..."

I’ve seen a few Hoarders episodes on YouTube. One I remember being “cured” because she moved. Specifically, because she moved to senior assisted living where she had caretakers, neighbors, and activities that literally gave her a new life, a social life.

The channel Midwest Magic Cleaning on YouTube has some really interesting videos on helping hoarders and cleaning hoards with compassion and understanding. He is autistic and cleaning is his special interest as well as his business, and he uses the money from YouTube to do free cleaning for people in his region in need, and he has good things to say and a good way of explaining mental illness, adhd, and hoarding, or at least, seems good to me.

Man, it'd be great if cleaning was my special interest.

No, instead it's mostly linguistics. And not a cool or useful part of linguistics, it's mostly just etymology.

LOL. Yeah, I've had a thought or two like this while watching.

Why don't we get to pick and choose!?

LW needs more therapy to deal with the lingering stink of parental control. Before going any farther with the relationship.

Aside from LW trying to work through the shame about their upbringing/parents’ living conditions, my practical suggestion would be to introduce the boyfriend to their parents at a neutral location – the stereotypical “rent a beach house” or “stay in a hotel near a cool destination” type vacation.

LW if you need a way to tell your parents you can't visit in a way that is minimally shaming for them, it might be useful to frame it as being that your apartment has really strict rules about pests and you absolutely can't risk bringing roaches home, so let's stay at a hotel and meet somewhere else. Even if that's a tiny bit of a white lie, it would in fact be a hassle if you brought roaches to the apartment building, so it's not much of one!

It will still be awkward, but framing it as a requirement placed on you by somebody else instead of shame they are causing you can sometimes help a lot with directing feelings in a useful way. (Of course if they're completely in denial about having pest problems, it probably won't help.)

However, if you haven't told your boyfriend about your feelings on this - and it's not clear if you have! - you need to be completely honest with him at least before any visits are planned.