conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2024-12-01 03:13 pm

I dislike LW

Dear Annie: My husband and I have a 6-year-old daughter, "Eliza," and we recently have not been seeing eye to eye in terms of how to handle discipline. For example, last week, when she refused to put her toys away after playing with them, I told her she couldn't watch TV until it was done. She threw a fit, and instead of backing me up, my husband told her it was OK and helped her put the toys away himself. Another time, when she talked back to me at the dinner table, I asked her to apologize, but he interrupted and said she was just expressing herself.

These situations leave me feeling undermined and like I'm the only one enforcing rules. I don't want her to feel she can pit us against each other, and I have also noticed myself getting more and more resentful when he takes her side over mine. I just think we need to be consistent, but I don't know if it's possible when our views on discipline seem fundamentally different. -- Feeling Like the Bad Cop


Dear Bad Cop: Try talking to your husband during a calm moment when your daughter isn't around, and make sure you start the conversation by acknowledging you both want what's best for her. Then, work together to create a basic set of rules you both agree to follow. Consistency is key.

Parenting is a team sport, and when kids see their parents supporting each other, they feel more secure -- and more likely to cooperate.

Link
ashbet: (Default)

[personal profile] ashbet 2024-12-01 08:17 pm (UTC)(link)
I think that LW needs to look up what is developmentally appropriate for a six-year-old to be able to do independently.
dissectionist: A digital artwork of a biomechanical horse, head and shoulder only. It’s done in shades of grey and black and there are alien-like spines and rib-like structures over its body. (Default)

[personal profile] dissectionist 2024-12-02 03:40 pm (UTC)(link)
It also depends a lot on what “clean up your toys” means. It’s a heck of a lot easier if it’s “throw everything into a basket” as versus “sort your toys by type into different bins meant to keep similar toys together”. I know a lot of parents like the organization of dolls go here, Little Ponies go there, etc” and it does make it easier for kids to find specific toys later, but it’s a lot more difficult for most young kids to pick up when there’s a lot of sorting involved.
katiedid717: (Default)

[personal profile] katiedid717 2024-12-01 11:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Idk, I've known plenty of kids younger than LW's daughter who understand the concept of cleaning up their toys when they're done with them. I was at my sister's house a couple weeks ago and her 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 year old daughters both understood that they need to put away any toys they take out when they're done playing; the younger one was also doing this at my mother's house a few months ago, singing the "clean up! clean up!" song the entire time.
joyeuce: (Default)

[personal profile] joyeuce 2024-12-03 08:45 am (UTC)(link)
That's another frustrating and baffling thing about kids, the way they can be totally capable of doing something today and then amazingly unable to do it or articulate why tomorrow.

Oh, so much this. My 12 year old still has times when she just can't and can't say why. Hell, so do I, though the trouble with being an adult is sometimes you just have to. If LW expects consistency from her child, she and child have a lot of unhappy times still to come.
full_metal_ox: A gold Chinese Metal Ox zodiac charm. (Default)

[personal profile] full_metal_ox 2024-12-02 03:37 am (UTC)(link)
The kid is six. Six year olds often need help managing their emotions and they also need help with chores. People generally frame "tantrums" and "fits" as manipulative behavior, but in my experience it's much more likely to be the result of being overwhelmed.

Importantly, you can't punish your kid out of them, and you can't really punish them into tidiness either. What you can do is help your child. Which Husband did! He didn't say "It's okay, you can watch TV and I'll clean up".


This sort of thing is what makes neurodivergent people reluctant to ask for help (and therefore to solve problems in ways that may seem eccentric or circuitous): https://gehayi.tumblr.com/post/768633527244865536/im-somewhere-on-the-spectrum-i-know-for-a-fact
ysobel: (Default)

[personal profile] ysobel 2024-12-02 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
"a common test is to give them a straightforward task that they cannot reasonably perform, like opening an overtight jar. The “real” test is to see, when they realize that they cannot do it on their own, if they approach a caregiver for help. Children that do not seek help are more likely to be autistic than those that do."

...well shit.

(of course I wouldn't ask for help; I was told to Do Thing, and so if I couldn't it was my fault, and embarrassing, and there were so many other things people who weren't me just magically knew...)
full_metal_ox: A gold Chinese Metal Ox zodiac charm. (Default)

[personal profile] full_metal_ox 2024-12-02 10:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Do you by any chance reflexively wince at sentences beginning, “With your intelligence”, or “You’re (X) years old, and…”?
ysobel: (Default)

[personal profile] ysobel 2024-12-02 11:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Yuuuuup.
full_metal_ox: A gold Chinese Metal Ox zodiac charm. (Default)

[personal profile] full_metal_ox 2024-12-03 01:49 pm (UTC)(link)
(of course I wouldn't ask for help; I was told to Do Thing, and so if I couldn't it was my fault, and embarrassing, and there were so many other things people who weren't me just magically knew...)

Oh, and if you did ask for help, you were being a big baby who just wanted attention.
sushiflop: (stock; e pur si muove)

[personal profile] sushiflop 2024-12-01 09:23 pm (UTC)(link)
I feel a reflexive wariness towards LW's complaint about "talking back" and that's a big thing I would encourage her to reframe her thinking on... she's setting the tone now for interactions the kids will carry for into the future. Eventually, this 6-year-old is going to be an independent adult, and she'll have grown up in an environment where she feels comfortable speaking to her mother and disagreeing with her and expressing herself, or she will probably keep things to herself and do as she sees fit without consulting mom at all. Mom has choices about which way she can channel that relationship.
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2024-12-02 05:38 pm (UTC)(link)

Oh well said!

sushiflop: (dolphin; suspended in inner space)

[personal profile] sushiflop 2024-12-03 02:03 am (UTC)(link)
Thanks! In general I always think it's better for parents to take a collaborative/supportive tack towards things when they are able, and save being dictatorial for moments when, like, safety is paramount haha