agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I have a crush on my 18-year-old co-worker, and I'm certain she has a crush on me, too -- even though I'm 42 and she doesn't know my age yet. The age gap is too big, which makes me afraid to ask her out because I don't want to ruin my friendship with her.

The last time I had a relationship with an age gap this big was with a 19-year-old woman when I was 33. Before that, I had a relationship with a 45-year-old woman when I was 25.

I'm not sure what to do. Transitioning our relationship from friendly co-workers to something possibly romantic is a huge step for me. But there's a new movie coming out soon that I know she's excited about, and it seems like the perfect chance to ask her out. But is it worth risking the friendship? And possibly complicating things at work? -- Age-Gap Gambler

Dear Age-Gap: It's important to remember that along with this woman's young age comes a much different phase of life than the one you're in. Your dating history makes you much more equipped than her to handle a relationship with such a significant age difference -- and that's assuming she is even interested in one.

A meaningful friendship can be just as, if not more, valuable than a romantic pursuit. It's not impossible for this to eventually blossom into something more, but for now, I'd play it safe and focus on enjoying the friendship you two have built.

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First off, LW, you've never had a relationship with an age gap this big. Your last relationship with a woman older than your coworker was nine years ago.

Secondly, this young woman is your coworker, and she is barely an adult. It's not okay to put her in the extremely awkward position of having to turn down a man old enough to be her dad at work. Just leave her the fuck alone.

I suspect Annie also thinks he should leave her the fuck alone but was hoping phrasing it this way would be more effective. I suppose it must be tough to answer letters where the real answer is something like "WTF, NO, YIKES". After all, that answer is probably counter-productive for a lot of people.

I have a crush on my 18-year-old co-worker

oh no

and I'm certain she has a crush on me, too -- even though I'm 42

OH NO

The advice the columnist gave was very different than mine, which would have been, “Stop looking at children as potential mates. If you feel the stirrings of a crush, destroy it with the ruthless efficiency of a Terminator, and if they seem to have feelings for you, be kind but clear that you’re old enough to be their father and that power dynamic isn’t something you’re interested in abusing. While you were taken advantage of early in life by an older predator, you’re in a situation now where you can interrupt that cycle rather than inflicting an inappropriate relationship on someone else.”

While you were taken advantage of early in life by an older predator

At 25, he'd lived 33% longer than this girl has and was not a newbie adult. Like, I'm not thrilled with that relationship either, but it's not even in the same universe.

Neither was okay, and being preyed upon by a much older person normalized that kind of power dynamic for him. He may have been 25 rather than 19, but the long-term damage done to him is clear in the fact that he continues to act it out on others from the position of the predator.

As long as it continues to stay normalized, he’s going to continue to do it (or keep trying), and so the cycle perpetuates, setting up long-term harm in others. People need to start pursuing therapy rather than young people half their age.

I had a thing with a 33 year old guy when I was 22 or so, and basically, our frame of reference was very different. And that was only 11 years. A 24 year age difference when one party is 18 is *way too much* TYVM.

Also, Annie: stronger words.

Is LW in the habit of cultivating relationships with significant age gaps? (For this, I'm referring to an age gap of 7-8 years or more.) Because I'm really side-eyeing his

The last time I had a relationship with an age gap this big

Imho LW really should unpack this habit with a therapist. I agree with

dissectionist, his relationship at 25 with a 45-year-old really ~~skewed~~ messed up his view on relationships.

Edited 2024-11-23 16:32 (UTC)

I am torn between admiring Annie's soft-pedal approach in hopes she can get through to him and thinking she should have whacked him upside the head.

When I was 18 I dated several people older than me. One stood out exceptionally in terms of being careful with my heart and scrupulously fair about not taking advantage of my youth and naiievte. Others... did not exercise such caution and ethics. Results have been EXCEEDINGLY different.

LW, you said it yourself; the age gap is too big. If you were 52 and 28, while it's a big age gap, she'd be solidly into adulthood. But you're 42 and 18. You're old enough to be her father; she's barely out of high school.

Are there really no single women in their 30s and 40s in your area who you could get to know instead?

Yeah, this creeped me out a lot.

Advice columnist blowing right by the workplace element here. LW should not be viewing his coworkers as a dating pool. They are professional colleagues.

Also, she is a teenager. Date women your own age, LW. Work on yourself.

Dear Gambler:

How optional is your friendly connection with your co-worker? If something goes badly wrong between the two of you, how much will she be able to avoid you at work?

If the answer is anywhere in the vicinity of "actually we do have to work together", then the answer is No.

Otherwise, you are gambling with a sexual harassment situation, a situation where you may face personal and professional consequences. To say nothing of the unfair situation of setting up someone just entering professional life with a choice between -- if things are not as you have hoped -- whether to go along with unwanted advances, or to jeopardize an important work relationship by saying No.

Don't put her in that position.

If she wants a relationship beyond friendship, let her make the first move.

If you happen to move on to another job, or she does, then by all means write her a letter to explain your feelings. At that point she will have much better options. And hopefully you won't lose a friend.

You deserve at least 51% of what Annie got paid. This part was sorely missing.