Two letters from Digg's Good Question this week

[conuly]

Good Question

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My 9-year-old daughter recently went over to her friend’s house for a playdate. She was so excited to spend time with her friend, and everything seemed fine when I dropped her off. However, when I went to pick her up, her friend’s mom pulled me aside and made a comment that really caught me off guard. She criticized my parenting style, specifically how my daughter behaved at dinner. Apparently, my daughter didn’t finish all of the food on her plate, and the mom felt that was incredibly rude and a sign of poor manners. She went on to say that in their household, children are expected to eat everything they’re served and suggested I should be more strict at home to instill better manners in my child.

I was honestly shocked. My daughter is generally polite, but like most kids, she can be picky sometimes -- especially when she’s at someone else’s house. I’ve never forced her to eat food she doesn’t like, and I don’t see this as a major issue. I was taken aback by the mom’s approach and felt judged, but I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. Was this mom out of line, or am I missing something about how my daughter should behave when she’s a guest in someone’s home? -- Bad Behavior

DEAR BAD BEHAVIOR: In my estimation, this friend’s mom crossed the line. While it is perfectly normal for families to have their ways of doing things -- including how they eat at the table -- when you have a guest, it is good manners to give them grace. Had your daughter misbehaved by saying something rude, physically hurting someone, cursing or doing something else egregious, I could see why the mom would need to call you out on it. But reprimanding you because your child didn’t eat every morsel on her plate seems extreme.

People have different values and ways of living. This is something your daughter will learn throughout her life. Your job now is to reinforce your values and let her know that she hasn’t violated a family rule by not eating all of the food on her plate. Further, you can tell the mother that, while you appreciate that she felt that she had to inform you of your daughter’s behavior, you strongly disagree with her. In your home, you do not force food down your daughter’s throat.

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2. DEAR ABBY: We have vegetarian and vegan friends. Over the years, when we have invited them over for a celebration, we (omnivores) always make sure to include dishes that they will enjoy. But when they invite guests for dinner, they never -- ever -- include a meat dish, not even a piece of chicken.

I have asked around and, apparently, that's the experience of everyone. Don't you think a little reciprocity is in order? As it is, the hospitality rule seems decidedly one-sided. If the vegans worry about (to them) inedible leftovers, they can always provide a doggy bag for their guests. -- ONE-SIDED IN THE WEST

DEAR ONE-SIDED: Please consider this your wake-up call. Many vegans and vegetarians do not want meat, chicken or fish in their kitchens. If, in addition to what they provide, you feel the need to consume animal protein, consume some before you go to their home or afterward. If this does not suit you, respond to their invitation with polite regrets.

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Comments

[kiezh]

I think it's also important to emphasize for kids that polite is not the most important thing to be. If it would cause her pain or distress to eat something, she's not obligated to eat it; politeness has given way to safety and health, which are higher concerns. And if someone wants you to sacrifice *your* safety and health for the sake of *their* family rules about politeness... they have violated hospitality so badly that you owe them nothing.

[melannen]

It's definitely worth emphasizing that politeness does not extend to eating something that would make you sick (or, generally, letting yourself be forced to do anything that would be truly harmful to you!) But learning how to refuse politely is an important skill, even if what you're refusing is an allergen or something - it will, if nothing else, generally make it much more likely your refusal will be accepted without escalating, if you learn how to make it in a polite way. It can also make it much easier to refuse if you have a polite script to do it with rather than scrambling with awkwardness in the moment. And it's really useful to think about the line between "I have to refuse this no matter what", "I could do this but I really really don't want to do this and anyone who tries to make me is being rude themself" and "I don't want to do this but it's something I'm willing to do to make a friend happy or smooth a social interaction". The more you know where your lines are in advance, the less likely you are to be forced into choosing between rudeness and something that will harm you in the moment.

In the example in the letter, a kid who as a guest knows how to linger over a meal and then say "Oh dear, this is delicious but if I eat any more I will be sick" in the locally socially acceptable way is likely to get a lot less friction from the adults than a kid who eats three bites and then pushes their plate away and says "I don't want it yuck."

And ~9 is exactly the developmental age to be working on the more advanced versions of all of those. (Kids in general often need help figuring out the line between "I don't want to but I will for a good reason" and "It's not worth it for any reason", and a lot of adults tend to swing way too far one way or the other with younger kids and then expect them to just know the difference when they get older.)

(Should you have to be polite and gracious about saying "I can't eat that, it will kill me?" when you're a guest? If the choice is eat it or be rude obviously be rude! And sometimes you're at a point where being polite is beyond your capacity and it's nobody's fault. But you should always be polite and gracious when you have the option, and having a medical reason to refuse doesn't remove the option to be polite.)