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Two letters from Digg's Good Question this week
Good Question
1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My 9-year-old daughter recently went over to her friend’s house for a playdate. She was so excited to spend time with her friend, and everything seemed fine when I dropped her off. However, when I went to pick her up, her friend’s mom pulled me aside and made a comment that really caught me off guard. She criticized my parenting style, specifically how my daughter behaved at dinner. Apparently, my daughter didn’t finish all of the food on her plate, and the mom felt that was incredibly rude and a sign of poor manners. She went on to say that in their household, children are expected to eat everything they’re served and suggested I should be more strict at home to instill better manners in my child.
I was honestly shocked. My daughter is generally polite, but like most kids, she can be picky sometimes -- especially when she’s at someone else’s house. I’ve never forced her to eat food she doesn’t like, and I don’t see this as a major issue. I was taken aback by the mom’s approach and felt judged, but I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. Was this mom out of line, or am I missing something about how my daughter should behave when she’s a guest in someone’s home? -- Bad Behavior
DEAR BAD BEHAVIOR: In my estimation, this friend’s mom crossed the line. While it is perfectly normal for families to have their ways of doing things -- including how they eat at the table -- when you have a guest, it is good manners to give them grace. Had your daughter misbehaved by saying something rude, physically hurting someone, cursing or doing something else egregious, I could see why the mom would need to call you out on it. But reprimanding you because your child didn’t eat every morsel on her plate seems extreme.
People have different values and ways of living. This is something your daughter will learn throughout her life. Your job now is to reinforce your values and let her know that she hasn’t violated a family rule by not eating all of the food on her plate. Further, you can tell the mother that, while you appreciate that she felt that she had to inform you of your daughter’s behavior, you strongly disagree with her. In your home, you do not force food down your daughter’s throat.
Link one
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2. DEAR ABBY: We have vegetarian and vegan friends. Over the years, when we have invited them over for a celebration, we (omnivores) always make sure to include dishes that they will enjoy. But when they invite guests for dinner, they never -- ever -- include a meat dish, not even a piece of chicken.
I have asked around and, apparently, that's the experience of everyone. Don't you think a little reciprocity is in order? As it is, the hospitality rule seems decidedly one-sided. If the vegans worry about (to them) inedible leftovers, they can always provide a doggy bag for their guests. -- ONE-SIDED IN THE WEST
DEAR ONE-SIDED: Please consider this your wake-up call. Many vegans and vegetarians do not want meat, chicken or fish in their kitchens. If, in addition to what they provide, you feel the need to consume animal protein, consume some before you go to their home or afterward. If this does not suit you, respond to their invitation with polite regrets.
Link two
1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My 9-year-old daughter recently went over to her friend’s house for a playdate. She was so excited to spend time with her friend, and everything seemed fine when I dropped her off. However, when I went to pick her up, her friend’s mom pulled me aside and made a comment that really caught me off guard. She criticized my parenting style, specifically how my daughter behaved at dinner. Apparently, my daughter didn’t finish all of the food on her plate, and the mom felt that was incredibly rude and a sign of poor manners. She went on to say that in their household, children are expected to eat everything they’re served and suggested I should be more strict at home to instill better manners in my child.
I was honestly shocked. My daughter is generally polite, but like most kids, she can be picky sometimes -- especially when she’s at someone else’s house. I’ve never forced her to eat food she doesn’t like, and I don’t see this as a major issue. I was taken aback by the mom’s approach and felt judged, but I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. Was this mom out of line, or am I missing something about how my daughter should behave when she’s a guest in someone’s home? -- Bad Behavior
DEAR BAD BEHAVIOR: In my estimation, this friend’s mom crossed the line. While it is perfectly normal for families to have their ways of doing things -- including how they eat at the table -- when you have a guest, it is good manners to give them grace. Had your daughter misbehaved by saying something rude, physically hurting someone, cursing or doing something else egregious, I could see why the mom would need to call you out on it. But reprimanding you because your child didn’t eat every morsel on her plate seems extreme.
People have different values and ways of living. This is something your daughter will learn throughout her life. Your job now is to reinforce your values and let her know that she hasn’t violated a family rule by not eating all of the food on her plate. Further, you can tell the mother that, while you appreciate that she felt that she had to inform you of your daughter’s behavior, you strongly disagree with her. In your home, you do not force food down your daughter’s throat.
Link one
2. DEAR ABBY: We have vegetarian and vegan friends. Over the years, when we have invited them over for a celebration, we (omnivores) always make sure to include dishes that they will enjoy. But when they invite guests for dinner, they never -- ever -- include a meat dish, not even a piece of chicken.
I have asked around and, apparently, that's the experience of everyone. Don't you think a little reciprocity is in order? As it is, the hospitality rule seems decidedly one-sided. If the vegans worry about (to them) inedible leftovers, they can always provide a doggy bag for their guests. -- ONE-SIDED IN THE WEST
DEAR ONE-SIDED: Please consider this your wake-up call. Many vegans and vegetarians do not want meat, chicken or fish in their kitchens. If, in addition to what they provide, you feel the need to consume animal protein, consume some before you go to their home or afterward. If this does not suit you, respond to their invitation with polite regrets.
Link two
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I grew up with severe food intolerances (I wouldn’t go anaphylactic but I’d be sick for weeks after an exposure). It’s the pits to be a little kid at a party, watching everyone else eat all the cake, ice cream, and candy you can’t have. Thankfully ice creams that were safe for me were developed when I was in later elementary school, so after that I brought a Thermos of my own ice cream to parties. My mom also took up baking so she could make safe cakes for me, and she’d make me a little mini-cake I could bring to eat while the others shared the party cake. That really did help, even though I felt a little weird because my stuff was different from everyone else’s.
As much as adult social life often involves food, I think it’s even more food-driven for kids. And it’s easier on us adults anyway because we have more experience with developing equanimity around our struggles: Not being able to eat stuff now doesn’t affect me in nearly the same way that it did when I was little, and I don’t feel any embarrassment about bringing my own food now.