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One column, two letters about family dynamics
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1. Dear Care and Feeding,
Our mom left nearly everything she owned to my sister “Charlotte,” and oh my God did Charlotte earn it. Our mom was someone who threw full-blown toddler tantrums when she didn’t get her way (she probably had multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses); she drove multiple carers to quit and got kicked out of three separate nursing homes. I chose to keep my relationship with her very limited: I sent holiday cards and would let her see my kids (supervised) just a few times a year. It was Charlotte who organized her life and care in her final years, and thanks to Charlotte, I never had to feel guilty about keeping my distance. I did my best to support my sister during that time—for example, by watching her kids, who are close in age to mine (7 and 9). Now Charlotte is treating herself and her family to some nice vacations and treats from her inheritance. I don’t begrudge her that at all. But her kids told ours that “Grandma gave us” the vacation and the expensive toys. So of course my kids are asking me why Grandma didn’t give them anything. How do I explain this to them?
—Disinherited But Not Distressed
Dear Disinherited,
I’m glad you’re taking the high road here (you’d think it would be the obvious path to take, but the evidence suggests otherwise: Plenty of people in your situation do begrudge their siblings’ “windfall”). Good for you, recognizing that your sister did all the heavy lifting and thus made your load, and life, lighter. And I imagine that your goodwill toward Charlotte goes beyond not being resentful about your “disinheritance”—I imagine that Charlotte’s inheritance helps assuage any guilt you feel about her having assumed the entire burden.
But you don’t have to (nor should you) tell your young children any of that. (When they’re older, if they still have questions about Grandma, I would encourage you to tell them the whole truth, at least as far as you know it.) At this point, you should only address the questions they actually ask, which is a good rule of thumb with children this young and matters this complex. “Why didn’t Grandma give us anything?” should be answered, truthfully, “Grandma didn’t give your cousins these gifts—their mother, your Aunt Charlotte, did.” If they ask why their cousins think these gifts came from their grandmother, you can tell them that “it might seem confusing, because Grandma gave Aunt Charlotte some money, and she probably used that money to pay for some things.” And if they ask—because kids will sometimes drill down, like good detectives—why Grandma gave Aunt Charlotte money, you can tell them that Aunt Charlotte and Grandma were much closer than you and their grandma were. (Will they keep pushing, asking why you and their grandmother weren’t close? Some kids might; others would let it go at that point. But it’s OK to tell them, “We just weren’t, I’m sad to say.”)
You might give Charlotte a heads-up on this (she had her own reasons for telling her kids that all these gifts were “from Grandma”). Will this lead to a difficult conversation between the two of you? Maybe. But I have a feeling a conversation between you and your sister about all of this is long overdue. There may be more complicated issues and feelings between you two than either you or Charlotte have thus far acknowledged.
***********
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 28-year-old woman, with no kids (yet?), and still trying to figure out my future. I’m concerned about the parenting and lifestyle choices my sister, “Danielle,” and my brother-in-law, “Jonathan,” are making. Jonathan and Danielle have a 1-year-old son, “Tyler.” I like being Tyler’s weird aunt, but I worry about Jonathan and Danielle’s refusal to grow up.
Every year on my birthday, I have to build what I want to do around the two of them being at my mother and stepfather’s place. Last year, my birthday got lost in nonstop drama between them and their friends. I dreaded my birthday this year because I hate drama. This year, Danielle and Jonathan were out (doing what they wanted, when they wanted, as always). My mom and stepfather were keeping Tyler occupied with “Baby Shark” on loop while my boyfriend, “Vince,” and I headed out for a few hours. When we got back, we saw that “Baby Shark” was still on. Vince was concerned, and I agreed that this was bad.
We told my mom and stepdad—who said we were overreacting. I told them it concerned me that Danielle and Jonathan continue to act as if they don’t even have a child—they act like they’re still children themselves!—and they shut that down, too. They said my nephew isn’t being neglected. I so badly want to get in all of their faces and tell them to grow up, that screens aren’t a babysitter, that Tyler deserves better. I worry about the adverse effects of screens. I have plenty of people validating my concerns—friends who are teachers, who assure me that this will have an impact on him when she starts school. But what I really want and need is for my mom to validate my concerns instead of dismissing them. Do you think I’m overreacting?
—Dazed and Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I think what we have here is a confusion of concerns. Yes, it’s not great for a small child—and goodness, Tyler is still hardly more than a baby!—to spend hours in front of a screen. But it sounds like you don’t know if this is something that happens regularly or was a one-off, not to mention that you could have raised the issue with your mom and stepfather in a less confrontational, accusatory way. (“Did you know that there’s a lot of research tying screen time to poor school performance later, and also other problems?” “Did you know that children younger than 18 months are supposed to have no screen time?” The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry offers guidelines with which every parent, grandparent, and weird aunt should be familiar.)
As to your sister and her husband’s behavior: Talk to them about it, not to your parents. Neither you nor Danielle is a child; if you have something to say to her, say it—don’t expect your mother to be the intermediary. And don’t be shocked if Danielle tells you that the way she lives her life—or raises her child—is none of your business.
And while we’re on the subject of childishness: I do believe that Danielle and Jonathan’s parenting (or lack thereof) of Tyler is to some extent your business—especially if you are prepared to offer to help them care for him. But I am puzzled by the birthday saga. Why do you have to spend your birthday at your mom and stepfather’s place? Why do you have to plan your celebratory activities around your sister and brother-in-law’s presence or non-presence? Why don’t you and Vince go your own way and have your own fun, on your birthday and otherwise? I am a wee bit concerned that your complaint that Danielle needs to grow up is the pot calling the kettle black.
—Michelle
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
Our mom left nearly everything she owned to my sister “Charlotte,” and oh my God did Charlotte earn it. Our mom was someone who threw full-blown toddler tantrums when she didn’t get her way (she probably had multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses); she drove multiple carers to quit and got kicked out of three separate nursing homes. I chose to keep my relationship with her very limited: I sent holiday cards and would let her see my kids (supervised) just a few times a year. It was Charlotte who organized her life and care in her final years, and thanks to Charlotte, I never had to feel guilty about keeping my distance. I did my best to support my sister during that time—for example, by watching her kids, who are close in age to mine (7 and 9). Now Charlotte is treating herself and her family to some nice vacations and treats from her inheritance. I don’t begrudge her that at all. But her kids told ours that “Grandma gave us” the vacation and the expensive toys. So of course my kids are asking me why Grandma didn’t give them anything. How do I explain this to them?
—Disinherited But Not Distressed
Dear Disinherited,
I’m glad you’re taking the high road here (you’d think it would be the obvious path to take, but the evidence suggests otherwise: Plenty of people in your situation do begrudge their siblings’ “windfall”). Good for you, recognizing that your sister did all the heavy lifting and thus made your load, and life, lighter. And I imagine that your goodwill toward Charlotte goes beyond not being resentful about your “disinheritance”—I imagine that Charlotte’s inheritance helps assuage any guilt you feel about her having assumed the entire burden.
But you don’t have to (nor should you) tell your young children any of that. (When they’re older, if they still have questions about Grandma, I would encourage you to tell them the whole truth, at least as far as you know it.) At this point, you should only address the questions they actually ask, which is a good rule of thumb with children this young and matters this complex. “Why didn’t Grandma give us anything?” should be answered, truthfully, “Grandma didn’t give your cousins these gifts—their mother, your Aunt Charlotte, did.” If they ask why their cousins think these gifts came from their grandmother, you can tell them that “it might seem confusing, because Grandma gave Aunt Charlotte some money, and she probably used that money to pay for some things.” And if they ask—because kids will sometimes drill down, like good detectives—why Grandma gave Aunt Charlotte money, you can tell them that Aunt Charlotte and Grandma were much closer than you and their grandma were. (Will they keep pushing, asking why you and their grandmother weren’t close? Some kids might; others would let it go at that point. But it’s OK to tell them, “We just weren’t, I’m sad to say.”)
You might give Charlotte a heads-up on this (she had her own reasons for telling her kids that all these gifts were “from Grandma”). Will this lead to a difficult conversation between the two of you? Maybe. But I have a feeling a conversation between you and your sister about all of this is long overdue. There may be more complicated issues and feelings between you two than either you or Charlotte have thus far acknowledged.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 28-year-old woman, with no kids (yet?), and still trying to figure out my future. I’m concerned about the parenting and lifestyle choices my sister, “Danielle,” and my brother-in-law, “Jonathan,” are making. Jonathan and Danielle have a 1-year-old son, “Tyler.” I like being Tyler’s weird aunt, but I worry about Jonathan and Danielle’s refusal to grow up.
Every year on my birthday, I have to build what I want to do around the two of them being at my mother and stepfather’s place. Last year, my birthday got lost in nonstop drama between them and their friends. I dreaded my birthday this year because I hate drama. This year, Danielle and Jonathan were out (doing what they wanted, when they wanted, as always). My mom and stepfather were keeping Tyler occupied with “Baby Shark” on loop while my boyfriend, “Vince,” and I headed out for a few hours. When we got back, we saw that “Baby Shark” was still on. Vince was concerned, and I agreed that this was bad.
We told my mom and stepdad—who said we were overreacting. I told them it concerned me that Danielle and Jonathan continue to act as if they don’t even have a child—they act like they’re still children themselves!—and they shut that down, too. They said my nephew isn’t being neglected. I so badly want to get in all of their faces and tell them to grow up, that screens aren’t a babysitter, that Tyler deserves better. I worry about the adverse effects of screens. I have plenty of people validating my concerns—friends who are teachers, who assure me that this will have an impact on him when she starts school. But what I really want and need is for my mom to validate my concerns instead of dismissing them. Do you think I’m overreacting?
—Dazed and Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I think what we have here is a confusion of concerns. Yes, it’s not great for a small child—and goodness, Tyler is still hardly more than a baby!—to spend hours in front of a screen. But it sounds like you don’t know if this is something that happens regularly or was a one-off, not to mention that you could have raised the issue with your mom and stepfather in a less confrontational, accusatory way. (“Did you know that there’s a lot of research tying screen time to poor school performance later, and also other problems?” “Did you know that children younger than 18 months are supposed to have no screen time?” The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry offers guidelines with which every parent, grandparent, and weird aunt should be familiar.)
As to your sister and her husband’s behavior: Talk to them about it, not to your parents. Neither you nor Danielle is a child; if you have something to say to her, say it—don’t expect your mother to be the intermediary. And don’t be shocked if Danielle tells you that the way she lives her life—or raises her child—is none of your business.
And while we’re on the subject of childishness: I do believe that Danielle and Jonathan’s parenting (or lack thereof) of Tyler is to some extent your business—especially if you are prepared to offer to help them care for him. But I am puzzled by the birthday saga. Why do you have to spend your birthday at your mom and stepfather’s place? Why do you have to plan your celebratory activities around your sister and brother-in-law’s presence or non-presence? Why don’t you and Vince go your own way and have your own fun, on your birthday and otherwise? I am a wee bit concerned that your complaint that Danielle needs to grow up is the pot calling the kettle black.
—Michelle
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2. First of all, all I see here is subpar babysitting, not immature parenting. And LW doesn't even actually know that the kid was staring at Baby Shark on loop the whole day - maybe the grandparents turned it off as soon as LW left and only turned it on a few minutes before they returned.
But LW has a few choices with regards to this nephew. They can a. contact child services b. kidnap the boy or c. mind their own business.
Let's look at those options in detail.
Child services does not care if the kid watches Baby Shark all day, and soon enough he'll be in daycare and preschool if he isn't already.
Most kidnappers are parents, not aunts, but sure, it's definitely an option! But is it a good one? LW is bound to get caught when the kid goes to get his first driver's license or state ID, if not a heck of a lot sooner due to poor planning, and that sort of thing can be deeply traumatic for a kid. This is a child, not a dog. Better not do it.
This leaves option three: mind your own business and accept that sometimes people suck as parents. But if Sister is such a terrible parent then maybe LW can start babysitting a heck of a lot more. That's kinda like kidnapping except that it's not like that at all. Just a suggestion, but it won't happen if LW is a judgmental turd every time she sees the kid.
Also: LW needs therapy and possibly a writing class.
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