agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a single father with a 14-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. We got a dog three years ago when my son was 11, and he began walking the dog right away. Not regularly—often he’d have to be asked—but he has a cell phone if something goes wrong or if he gets lost, and I can trust him to be responsible.

My daughter is now 11 and wants to be able to walk the dog by herself, too. She’s gone with her brother before but never alone. The thing is, she’s very uncoordinated, clumsy, and forgetful. I’m not being disparaging, I’m just not sure she’s ready to walk the dog by herself. She has walked to her friends’ houses in our neighborhood. But to walk for 45 minutes while being responsible for another living being is something I’m not sure she can handle. She has been known to lose or damage her things all the time: If she has physical worksheets, they’re usually turned in crumpled, for example, and her glasses are almost always messed up (her current pair within 48 hours of getting them). What’s more, she tends to panic and when she does, her judgment can go out the window. She is only 11, after all. But she also has a strong sense of justice and I can’t think of a reason to tell her she can’t start walking the dog at the same age her brother did that won’t upset her.

—Puppy Parity

Dear Parity,

It’s best to be upfront and share some of your concerns with your daughter. Explain that things aren’t always equal (the exact same for everyone)—sometimes they are equitable (everyone gets what is right for them), and your job is to make sure that she and the dog are safe and set up for success. Then, I would brainstorm together. Think of things your daughter can do to prove her responsibility and instill confidence in you that she can handle this task. It could be something routine, like keeping her homework neat and organized, or something more specific like memorizing the layout of the neighborhood. I’d also devise an incremental system that allows her to work her way up to 45-minute solo walks. Maybe she shadows you for a while, and then you let her take the dog around the block for a few weeks, then you increase the distance, and so on.

What about technology? It doesn’t sound like she has a phone, but would you consider a no-bells-and-whistles smartwatch that would let you track her location and let her call home if she needed it?

You know best what your daughter is and isn’t ready for. However, if she’s naturally a bit scattered, then taking on an added responsibility like walking the dog might be exactly what she needs. She’s going to need to figure out how to “be” in the world, and by working out with you how she can be successful with this chore, she’ll become more adept at navigating her strengths and weaknesses. Build a safety net, of course, but let her go out on the tightrope.

—Allison

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So, my first thought is that it's long past time for Daughter to be evaluated for ADHD. And I went to the comments to see what everybody else said, and sure enough, everybody who wasn't talking about the first letter (which is a doozy and hopefully fake) was going "Yeah, so, ADHD".

It definitely sounds like Daughter needs to be evaluated for ADHD - and if she does have ADHD, then some of Allison's suggestions here will be setting her up for failure, not success. What does keeping her homework neat and tidy have to do with walking the dog?

The other suggestions, like shadowing Dad or taking the dog on shorter walks - and possibly getting her a no-frills smartwatch or phone - sound more productive towards this specific goal.

and if she does have ADHD, then some of Allison's suggestions here will be setting her up for failure, not success. What does keeping her homework neat and tidy have to do with walking the dog?

I cannot upvote this enough.

Yeah, here was me reading this:

she’s very uncoordinated, clumsy, and forgetful.

self, not every kid is you; not every collection of behaviors is your issues

She has been known to lose or damage her things all the time

self, there's a lot of reasons that could be, don't diagnose over the internet!

If she has physical worksheets, they’re usually turned in crumpled

Oh shit, self, yeah that's ADHD.

(LW, I guarantee that if you don't get an assessment, your kid will one day be middle-aged and fucked up because she internalized that her parents think of her as "uncoordinated, clumsy, and forgetful", even if you never say the words in front of her. Signed, a middle-aged adult who might, one day, internalize that she's not a lazy, selfish slob.)

Yeah, any one detail might be nothing, but all of it together…?

Allison's advice to build up daughter's experience walking the dog is good. However, setting the question of ADHD aside (given what LW says, I would say daughter should be evaluated for it), there are a lot of other issues that factor into whether she is currently capable of walking the dog, which more have to do with safety. What is the dog's breed and how big is it? Is the dog well-behaved around people and other animals? How well does the dog respond to commands from LW, son, and daughter?

More so, how big is daughter relative to the dog? Does she have sufficient physical strength to be able to control the dog if/when it gets excited on the walk? I've seen too many children out "walking" dogs where the child can barely control their pet. Finally, how busy is the route (or routes) where daughter would walk the dog? If she's prone to panic, busy streets with lots of kids and/or vehicles would not be a safe option to follow.

(If daughter doesn't currently have other pet care duties, now might be a time to give some to her too.)

Yeah, my advice would be very different for a 20-pound dog and an 80-pound dog.

I dog sit frequently. And unless I have been asked to walk the dog on a specific route I cannot say I have walked a dog for 45 minutes straight. I am curious if the older kid is perhaps taking the dog for a cross country run? 45 minutes? I have 1 client I dog sit for who specifically asked me to walk their dog 6xs a day. But when we broke it down they said 4xs a day was fine. (They are retired and I am not) But none of those were 45 min walks and they have a large dog. So I am confused why a 11 yr old kid would need to walk a dog for as long as one of her class subjects in school

Eh, dog energy levels vary. We had a small dog who was best behaved if she got in at least a 20 minute walk for most of her younger years; I can easily imagine a large dog who needed 45 to expend enough energy not to drive the whole household nuts. Not all large dogs, of course, but some particular ones, for sure. Better that the dog should get a big walk if that's what it takes for that individual dog not to be rambunctious or destructive.

Yeah, large working breeds in particular who have a lot of energy and a lot of brainpower will invent their own fun if they're not getting enough walk time.

Hm. It does seem like dog walkers here give a choice between a 30 and a 60m walk.

I know in particular that ADHD kids "helping" with a chore can be more energy intensive for the adult than just doing the chore themself, but that incremental coached approach is so necessary. And I would schedule time for her to have her feelings if she needs to into that discussion time. Not in a punishment "go to your room until you can calm down" kind of way, but in a "hey, I know it's not really fair, and I'm sorry that it's not; would you like hugs or would you like a chance to have your emotions in private?" kind of way.

Seconding all the ADHD comments on the first letter, but also, the best way to see if Daughter is ready to walk the dog is to let her walk the dog and see how she does. That doesn't mean going alone for forty-five minutes the first time, but let her go on walks where she knows she's in charge even if there's someone else in sightline distance, or let her go alone on short walks closer to home. If she does fine, you extend the responsibility, and if she doesn't, you have specific things you can both agree to work on together before you try again. From the sound of it, these parents' response to seeing the daughter as less capable and panicky is to never give her the opportunity to learn what she can actually do and build confidence.

(and if the son had a phone at age 11 for goodness sakes' get the daughter one! If she loses or breaks it immediately, replace it with a cheap dumbphone and let her earn back a nicer one by taking care of that one. But holding her back behind her brother won't help anything.)

My first question was "does the walk need to be 45 minutes?" Can't it be shorter once in a while?

(I do not know about ADHD, and I do not know about dogs.)

If the dog is accustomed to a daily 45 minute walk then it's best not to shorten that arbitrarily.

However, Daughter could start by taking the dog on an additional, shorter potty break walk that's only five or ten minutes, sometime very separate in the day from the long walk.