agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are almost 30: We’ve been friends since we were about 12, a couple since 18, and married since 22. Neither of us has ever dated anyone else, but now I’m thinking it might be that time.

My wife had her gallbladder removed four years ago. Her doctor gave her a long list of foods to avoid which she has completely ignored. She continues to consume large amounts of dairy … a big glass of full-fat milk at breakfast and another with dinner, butter and cheese on everything, ice cream almost daily … as well as greasy pizza and fast food, fried food, red meat, and baked goods. She has always been prone to digestive issues but now has extremely foul, explosive diarrhea about five or six times a day. We live in a small apartment where I can’t avoid hearing and smelling it, even if she has time to close the bathroom door, which she doesn’t always. Our bathroom is permanently nasty and it’s not me. She laughs at and insults me for being grossed out. She has messed herself at work and instead of being mortified tells everyone about it like it’s a joke. The end result is a total loss of any desire I might still have had for sexual relations with her. We have not had sex in almost two years and she seems completely fine with that.

For the longest time she just got mad any time I’d suggest her diet may be causing her issues. Just now she finally blew up at me, and said that she knows it is, she just loves food too much to change her habits and isn’t ever going to. I am staggered, disgusted, and baffled. I just can’t fathom how anyone would knowingly choose to live like this. Would I be justified in leaving someone who has no regard for her health and deliberately makes herself repulsive?

—Done-a-rhea

Dear Done,

This isn’t just about all the poop, though that would be enough for me. In fact, I don’t think you would care as much about the poop if it was something she couldn’t help, struggled with, or only rarely occurred. The issue here is the clear disregard for her partner’s experience of their shared space or intimate contact. I’m not sure why your partner is satisfied to live in a way that must be physically painful and is obviously repulsive, but that’s her choice. Now you have a choice to make, and it isn’t about whether or not you can live with the smell, it’s about whether or not you can live with someone who doesn’t care that you have to live the smell. You don’t need me or anyone else to justify your leaving. You can leave because you want to go.

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Look, I don't know what's going on with LW's wife, though I'll bet it's something she ought to be seeing a shrink over, but if your description of somebody's behavior includes the uncharitable phrase "deliberately makes herself repulsive" then it's time to get a divorce. The marriage is over, and it's kindest all around to end things.

Also, a lot of people don’t realize just how miserable it is to have to cut huge swaths of food out of your diet forever – it’s very restrictive, it cuts into your ability to enjoy food socially, and saying that you can’t have any dairy or fats removes so many options.

I do think they should split up, because he is speaking of her with contempt, but I think that this is more of a matter of incompatibility than blame toward the wife.

(What she’s dealing with sounds awful, but she is entitled to bodily autonomy and making the decisions around whether or not removing certain foods is worth it for her.)

Although it does sound like the wife isn't trying to minimize the foods that cause issues, either. I wonder whether the husband would feel differently if he had seen a good-faith effort to change her diet towards the recommendations.

I think that it’s a bad idea to start the slippery slope toward saying someone else has the ability to override your bodily autonomy if they don’t like something your body is doing.

I wish they had multiple bathrooms, but that’s undoubtedly an economic issue.

He has the option to leave, but he doesn’t get to tell her what she can and can’t eat.

I'm not saying he gets to override her bodily autonomy; I'm saying that his emotions might have been different had she made different choices.

I think the husband is underestimating how hard it is to eliminate foods entirely, and also how irritating it must be to spend two years receiving the same advice when you've already made it clear you will not follow it.

That said, I don't think the wife comes off that great either if she's basically mocking her husband for not wanting to live in a home with a perpetually rancid bathroom.

They are BOTH better off apart.

LW should get a divorce.

That said I don't think her issue is her gall bladder being out. I think she has another food issue or sensitivity bc I know people who have lost their gall bladders and do not have these issues. She needs to get tested for dairy or gluten.

Now it is her body and her choice to decide she doesn't care anymore. But if that bothers him that is his problem.

I agree, LW's wife should be tested for lactose intolerance and celiac disease; but post-gallbladder issues with fat digestion can persist for years for some people.

My ex had his gallbladder removed when he was 24 years old, and he still had really bad GI issues if he ate too much fat or dairy almost 10 years later. It's apparently one of those things that can be really hit or miss, some people have their gallbladder removed and their body adapts, others have to make major changes.

I fully agree about her body her choice, but if she's shitting herself at work and then sharing/laughing about it, she's kind of making it everyone's problem.

I sympathize with LW's wife: it sucks dealing with post-gallbladder life when you're one of the unlucky ones who can't eat fat. (Though some people can manage fine.) Some of that can't be helped; with no gallbladder to store extra, whatever bile the liver makes is all dumped into the small intestine at once. If it's not enough to emulsify all the fat in the meal; or if there's too much bile dumped; then it can lead to unpleasant effects like bowel urgency, steatorrhea, and/or possible nutrient malabsorption syndromes.

Some of it can be helped though, and I wonder whether LW has tried to help his wife in good faith, or whether he's been nothing but unhelpful and critical. Eg if LW's been haranguing wife about her diet, or shaming her about the poop--but he eats the exact same things in the meantime--she'll be much less likely to change. Her reaction to his disgust about their bathroom almost sounds like she's trying to make a point.

I agree, I think the marriage is over.

As someone who's had her gallbladder out: It's not about that.

What it is about: You're grossed out by your partner, and you want an excuse to leave. Thing is, you don't need an excuse, you can just leave. But know you're leaving because you choose to, not Because Of Your Partner.

Or, it's not that she's misbehaving, it's that you don't want to cope. Which is OK! But own it.

Results after gallbladder surgery can vary pretty dramatically — I can eat just about anything that I could before, but a close family member now has to rush to the bathroom 30 minutes after every meal, even after making dietary adjustments like cutting out lactose.

But, yes, I think the husband just wants out.

The red flag here for me is that she is not cleaning up the bathroom after herself. That's not only inconsiderate, it's unsanitary and unhealthful for both of them.

That said, I think the LW needs to talk to a lawyer and go for at least a trial separation.

Yeah, it struck me too. That is a non trivial part of the issue. She can't do anything about having one bathroom, but nothing's stopping her from cleaning the bathroom.