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Dear Carolyn: I grew up in New York City, went to college in Boston and moved to D.C. after college. I’ve lived and worked in D.C. ever since — and I’m almost 50. D.C. is where I own a home, have a husband, where my three kids go to school and where most of my friends reside. This is home for me.
The problem is, my mother has been hoping I would move “home” to New York since I was 20. Whenever she is upset about anything — with me, with someone else, with a broken pipe at her house, etc. — she ends up yelling and screaming at me that the root of the problem is that I don’t live near her to help and be with her.
I feel strongly that I — and everyone — should get to choose their own path in life. That includes your career, family and place you call home. I love New York, and I love my mom, and I miss my family that still resides there. But D.C. is where I have made my home, and I am happy here despite all those things.
How do I get my mother to understand I am already home? And I can and will visit her and help her however I can, but I’m not going to move to my hometown. — No Place Like Home
No Place Like Home: Why do you need to “get my mother to understand”? She has been at this for 30 years. That’s your cue to relieve yourself of any hope or expectation that she is going stop ranting about this, ever, and of any need to search for just the right combination of things to say to unlock her comprehension.
Whoo.
She has all the information she has ever needed, and she refuses to accept it. That is her responsibility, not yours. Reacting to her with explanations only feeds her sense of victimhood, and entitlement to (more) explanations.
Plus, she is “yelling and screaming.” These are antisocial, unacceptable behaviors. That means they are not cues to give her more attention. They are cues for you to hang up the phone, delete the text or email, or leave the room, unless and until she stops the antisocial behaviors and treats you acceptably again.
At some point, presumably early on, she taught you that her behaviors were enforceable mandates for you to justify yourself to her, be it for the first, seventh or the nthiest time. They are not. Therapy is great for helping you crumple up and toss these misleading directives, and find where else they’re lurking and causing less obvious havoc in your other relationships.
Your question suggests that your mother has been at the yelling-and-screaming thing the whole time. If the “when are you moving home” complaint is 30 years old but the extreme behavior is recent, however, then that suggests a concerning change in your mom. That, in turn, points to her being (over)due for a full health workup — which you can help her schedule now and maybe attend with her on an upcoming trip north.
Otherwise, the answer is to stop engaging with her and her fixation as if it’s a valid complaint. “Asked and answered, Mom.” “D.C. is home.” “Next.” If she (or anyone else) is going to howl at the moon, then she can do that on her own time, with an audience of none.
If I were having the meanest day ever, then my advice would be to move back to Boston. Good thing I am not having that.
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The problem is, my mother has been hoping I would move “home” to New York since I was 20. Whenever she is upset about anything — with me, with someone else, with a broken pipe at her house, etc. — she ends up yelling and screaming at me that the root of the problem is that I don’t live near her to help and be with her.
I feel strongly that I — and everyone — should get to choose their own path in life. That includes your career, family and place you call home. I love New York, and I love my mom, and I miss my family that still resides there. But D.C. is where I have made my home, and I am happy here despite all those things.
How do I get my mother to understand I am already home? And I can and will visit her and help her however I can, but I’m not going to move to my hometown. — No Place Like Home
No Place Like Home: Why do you need to “get my mother to understand”? She has been at this for 30 years. That’s your cue to relieve yourself of any hope or expectation that she is going stop ranting about this, ever, and of any need to search for just the right combination of things to say to unlock her comprehension.
Whoo.
She has all the information she has ever needed, and she refuses to accept it. That is her responsibility, not yours. Reacting to her with explanations only feeds her sense of victimhood, and entitlement to (more) explanations.
Plus, she is “yelling and screaming.” These are antisocial, unacceptable behaviors. That means they are not cues to give her more attention. They are cues for you to hang up the phone, delete the text or email, or leave the room, unless and until she stops the antisocial behaviors and treats you acceptably again.
At some point, presumably early on, she taught you that her behaviors were enforceable mandates for you to justify yourself to her, be it for the first, seventh or the nthiest time. They are not. Therapy is great for helping you crumple up and toss these misleading directives, and find where else they’re lurking and causing less obvious havoc in your other relationships.
Your question suggests that your mother has been at the yelling-and-screaming thing the whole time. If the “when are you moving home” complaint is 30 years old but the extreme behavior is recent, however, then that suggests a concerning change in your mom. That, in turn, points to her being (over)due for a full health workup — which you can help her schedule now and maybe attend with her on an upcoming trip north.
Otherwise, the answer is to stop engaging with her and her fixation as if it’s a valid complaint. “Asked and answered, Mom.” “D.C. is home.” “Next.” If she (or anyone else) is going to howl at the moon, then she can do that on her own time, with an audience of none.
If I were having the meanest day ever, then my advice would be to move back to Boston. Good thing I am not having that.
Link
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commiserates with LW Sheesh. My parents gave up 20 years in.
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Really? Doesn't LW's mother have anyone else living nearby to help her? Any extended family or friends? (Or does she treat them the way she treats LW?) My guess is that even if LW did live nearby, her mother would still find fault. It's long past time mother got therapy to deal with letting go.
(Also: is LW's father in the picture at all?)