agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Carolyn: I have two adult children. My son is married with three kids, and my daughter is married with one child, who is having a first birthday party. My son and one child will attend, but my son’s wife and older son, 13, will not attend because the son has a soccer game.

My daughter has done a lot for her nephews and niece and has attended every birthday party. My daughter and daughter-in-law are not close except when they see each other occasionally. My son and daughter talk monthly but are not that close anymore.

Am I wrong in expecting that a first birthday party is more important than a regular game? My family is close, and it appears my son is letting his wife off the hook by not expecting her to share in a family event that is important to his sister. My daughter has let him know she is pretty upset and hurt.

I just cannot understand how my daughter-in-law is not attending, especially after all the parties and games my daughter attended for her children!

Anonymous: You could have stopped your letter at “Am I wrong in expecting.”

Yes. You are wrong in expecting.

When you expect, you assume your values are the only values and impose them on your adult children. “Expecting” them to run their families as you think they should, then judging them for falling short — then validating your daughter in doing the same — makes you a divisive influence, not a unifying one.

Feel free to wish, hope or think instead. Even better, I encourage you to understand. And this comes from a youngest sister who had her own kids late, and who appreciates that your daughter showed up to every party:

It is not helpful for you two to stand there tapping your feet waiting for her payback to come at all, much less exactly in kind.

For one thing, had your son foreseen this bill coming due, he might have urged your daughter to skip some events.
For another, auntie-and-uncle-ing is a gift freely given. The bond is the reward. Period. Now, is it great for those kids and their parents to rally later for all the birthdays when the uncle or auntie has kids? Yes! Of course! But not to expect it, because that reduces auntie-and uncle-ing to a quid pro quo, which I will weld in your brain to “big fat no.”

Next, if these family members want to rally for the right (intrinsic) reasons, then it is virtually impossible for them to do so exactly in kind. To use your family as an example: Your daughter showed up for everything, so lovely of her. And so relatively feasible for a person who did not have children of her own at the time. For her brother to reciprocate with identical showings-up, does he bring his wife and all three kids every time? That’s technically not in kind, that’s way-more-than, isn’t it? So does he come solo? Well, you’re complaining about his showing up plus-one.
You see my point, I hope. You’re asking a family of five to screech to a halt for a party the baby won’t remember (and every party hereafter?). Your daughter will remember — but when she showed up for her brother’s kids, her life was at a clearly more pliable stage.

It’s not fair, and I cringe even typing it. But I can type it because I lived it. I was the showing-up auntie who could not be shown up for in kind because my sisters’ lives were very different by the time I had kids. And I didn’t hold attendance grudges because I knew their reasons for not dropping everything to attend: Their reasons were tweens who had names and friends and soccer games. And my goodness, what auntie drags them from those things because they owe me an afternoon at a baby party more than they owe one to their friends or teams or orchestras or whoevers?

Here’s the thing, though. In that narrow context, it is indeed unfair to people in your daughter’s position — but in the arc of a life, it tends to even out. When my commitments piled up on my timetable or when I moved away, I became less available for theirs. I showed up for niblings’ baby and young-kid milestones but missed bunches of their teen ones. Would you have me put all this in the ledger, to make sure the correct grudges get held?

I think you actually can understand your daughter-in-law’s decision and, even better, support it and advocate for it with your daughter, if you take many mannny steps back. Enough to see the whole arc.

A close family will not score-keep with perfect attendance in mind, because that’s a recipe for grievance ever after. Instead, trust the love to even out, and encourage your daughter to do the same. That frees all of you to show up for what you can when you can with whoever can.

That also tends to make everyone much more likely to want to.

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1. LW does not have the standing to write this letter. The appropriate person to write this letter - if we accept that it ought to have been written at all, which I do not - would be Daughter. It's her complaint, she's the one who writes to an advice column about it. LW needs to butt way out of the kids' business.

2. I notice that LW talks about all the kid events that Daughter attended for Son and DIL... but how many of those events did SIL attend? Is there a SIL to attend these events?

3. If you have to refer to not attending a birthday party as being "left off the hook" then maybe none of you should go to the party in the first place. I mean, if it's such a drag.

Ffs

This grandma needs to BUTT OUT.

This. All the other stuff in the answer is true, but it's skimming right past the main point, which is that it's none of her goddamn business. She's not the host or the guest, she's just gossiping and encouraging resentment between her children.

I just cannot understand how my daughter-in-law is not attending, especially after all the parties and games my daughter attended for her children!

I think Carolyn is missing part of the equation here. If LW's daughter really did attend all the various birthday parties and games for all 3 of her brother's kids over the last 13 years, I think daughter maybe began to assume that when her child arrived, her brother's family would reciprocate. And imho that's a reasonable assumption.

(Also, we don't know whether LW's daughter attended those events because she wanted to, or did so only because she was expected to, out of familial duty, possibly enforced by LW.)

I can give leeway to the 13-year-old for not attending, but I see no real reason why DIL should miss the baby's party. DIL could easily arrange alternate transportation for her son to attend his regular season game if she chose. At age 13, it won't kill DIL's son if both his parents miss an occasional game.

Either way, this isn't up to LW to solve. It's between her daughter and her son.

Edited 2024-11-03 21:31 (UTC)

No. It is not reasonable. If someone put a gun to this lady's head and made her attend all that stuff then we have a problem, but I'm pretty sure that didn't happen, and people like the LW need to understand that people have lives, and not everything needs to be a huge deal. If the woman felt pressured to attend, she needs to take it up with her crazy mom. But we don't even know that she did, or even that she is put out that her sister in law won't be attending.

If someone put a gun to this lady's head and made her attend all that stuff then we have a problem, but I'm pretty sure that didn't happen

We do not know how LW's daughter actually felt about attending the niblings' events; or what she might have given up personally to attend them. While no one held a gun to her head, the sense of familial obligation/duty is almost as strong a motivator, especially in families where "closeness" is expected and/or demanded.

I do know that wrangling parties and games for kids under 10 is freaking exhausting, because I did that for years when my own 2 kids were young. I would bet LW's son and DIL probably appreciated LW's daughter's presence, if only to help with the wrangling. In contrast, a birthday for a 1-year-old is relatively sedate.

But we don't even know ... that she is put out that her sister in law won't be attending.

The letter says "My daughter has let him know she is pretty upset and hurt." So yes, likely LW's daughter is put out.

Edited 2024-11-04 20:09 (UTC)

DIL might have thought of all those invitations to all those parties as invitations, not binding contracts. She might not care overmuch if her inlaws show up or not.

DIL might have thought of all those invitations to all those parties as invitations, not binding contracts

Or, DIL had other reasons to invite LW's daughter, eg helping wrangle the events. We don't know enough here. You mention upthread that daughter should have written this letter, and I agree, because there is definitely missing information.

So...once daughter starts showing up for every game and party. I just don't see how her brother and his wife signal that they think this is lovely but not something they can reciprocate or intend to. If they stop inviting her, that's not signaling that they don't intend to come to all of her kids' things, it's signaling that they don't WANT her at the one they didn't invite her to. If they say, "Oh, Bramantha, it's so great to see you here, I hope you didn't feel obligated! We love to have you, but it's not a command performance!", that is easily interpreted as empty social niceties.

So once your sister is showing up for all of your kid's stuff of her own free will, how do you gently and lovingly signal that her perfect attendance is not something you intend to reciprocate? I don't see a clear way unless she says out loud, "I expect you'll do this for me."

It might not even have occurred to them that Sister was keeping score and looked at all these events as tit for tat.

Seriously. I don't have kids. I go to my godkids' events because I love them. It was not out of the realm of possibility that that's why this person was going to her niblings' events as well, not stockpiling future family credit for later cash-in.

So once your sister is showing up for all of your kid's stuff of her own free will

We don't know if LW's daughter attended because she wanted to, or she'd been made to feel she had to. (I'm leaning towards the 2nd because that kind of conditioning is hard to overcome.) I have 2 kids (adults now), and I grew up with 3 siblings. I well know how exhausting kids' parties are. It's not just about empty social niceties: "Oh Bramantha, thanks for coming, can you supervise Timmy, Tommy, Tammy and 6 other kids in the playing area while we sort out the pizza and cake?" (For awhile I *was* Bramantha for my younger siblings, until I moved out of the house.)

The thing is, if LW's daughter attended because she felt she had to, that's something she needs to deal with on her own without dragging other people into it.

I well know how exhausting kids' parties are.

All the more reason not to throw them. No, I'm serious. If you can't handle a party without help and you're not willing to either pay for that help or ask for it explicitly (and make new plans if you can't get it) then you shouldn't throw the party at all. Your one year old does not need to have a party. Your six year old does not need to have a party, and if they do have a party it's enough to invite three friends over for cake and then have them all watch a movie.

The thing is, if LW's daughter attended because she felt she had to, that's something she needs to deal with on her own without dragging other people into it.

I think the more important question is why DIL doesn't want to attend the baby's 1st birthday party. Especially when it's perfectly reasonable to let a 13-year-old go off on his own to soccer for one game without a parent to watch. (At that age I transported myself to all my games, and my parents only rarely attended. In part because they had 3 other kids to wrangle too.) What's so objectionable to DIL about spending 90 minutes watching a 1-year old try to rip paper off of presents, and stick their face into a slice of cake? That familial obligation works both ways.

All the more reason not to throw them. No, I'm serious. If you can't handle a party without help and you're not willing to either pay for that help or ask for it explicitly (and make new plans if you can't get it) then you shouldn't throw the party at all.

On one hand I agree with you. Otoh if you want your kids to experience special events like hosting birthday parties, bowling nights, camping trips, movies in the cinema, etc with friends, you will make those sacrifices, grin, and bear it.

Edited (forgot to close tag) 2024-11-06 15:47 (UTC)

This is a fing first birthday party for an infant. Hax mentions it, but to me that is the key element. The baby doesn't care.

If baby's mother cares this much about seeing the family, coordinating with them for another event would be the right thing to do, wouldn't it? And I write this as someone who thinks that children's sports teams have gotten way out of hand in their effects on families' lives.

First of all, the birthday (girl/boy) isn't going to notice, care, or remember that aunt and cousin aren't there because the child is turning ONE. A first birthday party isn't for the child, it's an excuse for the parents to get together with their friends.

Second, one of the things that comes with children getting older is that they will have more activities that carry greater importance to them than sitting around a crowded room to watch an infant ogle at some gifts and get more interested in the paper and boxes than the toys themselves. And this means that there's a chance that a parent will need to go elsewhere with their older child.

Third, LW, be glad that your son IS going to the party! You already said that your adult children aren't close, so the fact that your son is attending should be a win on its own.

I say this as someone who has 4 younger siblings, all of whom have children. I am pregnant and due in April, and I have zero expectations that they will care about my child's milestones and achievements as much as I will. (Also, I have no intention of having a party for Baby's First Birthday in April 2026 because that seems like a LOT of work for me for something that I won't enjoy anyway haha)

baby birthday partys are so freaking boring. just take pictures of a cake smash and call it a day. I purposefully RSVP no but send along a gift because I can think of 10000 other ways I'd like to spend my day.

I feel the same about baby showers, but at least those have a purpose.

Daughter went to all of her brother's children's events. Her brother is going to her child's event. The score is even.

(Was daughter actually dragging along a plus-one to each of those events? If so, why?)

I would not be surprised if Daughter attended Literally Everything at the LW's push, honestly, because Family Always Attends For Each Other!!!

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