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Some letters from Social Q's
1. When a Dog’s Leash Is More Like a Fuse
I have a leash-reactive dog. He goes bananas when he’s on a leash and sees another dog. It’s a common behavioral issue. Still, I take pains to avoid other dogs when I walk him, and I’m working hard to train away this behavior. Sometimes, when we do meet another dog and mine barks like crazy, the other dog owner yells at me and my dog. What can I say to let them know they should mind their own business and that I’m working on it?
DOG OWNER
I sympathize with your problem, and I’m glad you are working on it. But you seem to be underestimating how alarming it may be for people when your dog “goes bananas.” They may be startled and afraid that your dog will attack them.
Now, I’m not defending anyone yelling here, but you are mistaken when you suggest this is none of their business. Your dog is menacing them: It is definitely their business. When it happens, I would simply apologize and tell them you’re working on the problem. A snappy comeback may only escalate tensions.
Link one
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2. My 29-year-old son has been dating his girlfriend for nearly three years. She must be wondering when they’ll move in together and get engaged. My son is not sure that “she’s the one,” but he hasn’t told her that. His reluctance to take their relationship to the next level is an indication, of course, but apparently, his girlfriend does not see this as a red flag. I assume that’s because she thinks things will change. I am very concerned for her: She’s 30 and wants marriage and children. I have told my son that he should end the relationship if he cares about her. Still, it continues. My husband says that I should stay out of this, but I’m wondering if I should push harder for my son to end things. Your thoughts?
MOTHER
know you want to help. You also seem to have convinced yourself — in the absence of any request for advice or assistance from anyone — that intervening in your son’s relationship is required for his girlfriend’s long-term happiness. But no one has even whispered that she’s dissatisfied. To me, this looks like late-stage helicopter parenting: hovering so closely over your adult child that you also seek to control his romantic partner and their domestic timeline.
Now, you’ve expressed these desires in altruistic terms: Let’s save the girlfriend! And that would be a generous impulse if your son’s girlfriend wanted saving. But I believe we should give a 30-year-old woman the agency to conduct her own affairs. Or at least let her own friends and family be the ones to meddle in them. Even if she has asked for your advice, which does not seem to be the case, send her to a neutral party for help — like a therapist or a couple’s counselor.
I acknowledge the implicit premise that, in retrospect, many people believe they stayed too long in relationships. But ending love affairs is not a decision we get to make for other people. I hope your son and his girlfriend are communicating well. But projecting your assumptions onto them is not helpful. My advice for you is to back off and to work on creating healthier boundaries with your 29-year-old son instead.
Link two
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3. In her will, my grandmother divided her estate equally among my mother and her four adult grandchildren. But there was a separate bequest of $13,000 to my mother — before the calculation of anyone else’s share — to help my younger sister with her I.V.F. treatments. This means that most of us are about $3,000 worse off because of this bequest that none of us knew about. Is it reasonable to expect my sister to reimburse us for this sweetheart deal that we were not a part of? When I asked my mother and sister gently for an explanation, I got the runaround and felt that I was attacked for being confrontational. They think I should be more sensitive to my sister’s fertility issues. But I can’t help feeling ripped off!
If your feelings are hurt by your grandmother’s will — if you think that she played favorites among her grandchildren, for instance, or that she prioritized your sister’s fertility issues above your needs — I sympathize with you. Many people see gifts as proxies for love and believe that children (and grandchildren) should be treated equally in wills — down to the last penny.
You don’t mention hurt feelings, though. Instead, you imply that your grandmother owed you an explanation for her will. (She did not. Many lawyers recommend transparency in estate planning, but it is not a requirement.) Now I don’t know the circumstances here, but if you believe that your grandmother was pressured or hoodwinked — you call it a “sweetheart deal” — you may certainly consult a lawyer. But I suspect this is not what you’re suggesting.
It seems more likely that your charges stem from a misunderstanding: We are not entitled to receive a penny from our parents or grandparents when they die. No one stole $3,000 from you because it was never yours to steal. People leave their money as they choose. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad if you think you’ve been slighted. But your grandmother had every right to help your sister with extraordinary medical expenses — regardless of how you feel about it.
************
4. Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement in Judaism, is coming up. Earlier this year, my longtime therapist hurt me badly. Although I have given her opportunities to apologize, she has not done so. She has not even acknowledged that she harmed me. This has been devastating for me, and I ended our therapeutic relationship. I know that she observes Yom Kippur. May I ask her to apologize in the spirit of the holiday? Even if she doesn’t apologize directly, it would make me feel better if she conveyed her intention to atone for her behavior.
PATIENT
I hate to be a word nerd here — I know you’re hurting — but when you say you have “given her opportunities” to apologize, does that mean you told your former therapist directly that she hurt you, and how? If you have, and she didn’t apologize or dispute your interpretation of events, I would move on — and congratulate yourself for terminating your therapy with her.
But if you haven’t been clear with your former therapist, it may be helpful to book another session to discuss the issue. Misunderstandings happen! But using Yom Kippur to get what you want — though inventive — is manipulative and irrelevant to your therapeutic relationship.
Link three and four
I have a leash-reactive dog. He goes bananas when he’s on a leash and sees another dog. It’s a common behavioral issue. Still, I take pains to avoid other dogs when I walk him, and I’m working hard to train away this behavior. Sometimes, when we do meet another dog and mine barks like crazy, the other dog owner yells at me and my dog. What can I say to let them know they should mind their own business and that I’m working on it?
DOG OWNER
I sympathize with your problem, and I’m glad you are working on it. But you seem to be underestimating how alarming it may be for people when your dog “goes bananas.” They may be startled and afraid that your dog will attack them.
Now, I’m not defending anyone yelling here, but you are mistaken when you suggest this is none of their business. Your dog is menacing them: It is definitely their business. When it happens, I would simply apologize and tell them you’re working on the problem. A snappy comeback may only escalate tensions.
Link one
2. My 29-year-old son has been dating his girlfriend for nearly three years. She must be wondering when they’ll move in together and get engaged. My son is not sure that “she’s the one,” but he hasn’t told her that. His reluctance to take their relationship to the next level is an indication, of course, but apparently, his girlfriend does not see this as a red flag. I assume that’s because she thinks things will change. I am very concerned for her: She’s 30 and wants marriage and children. I have told my son that he should end the relationship if he cares about her. Still, it continues. My husband says that I should stay out of this, but I’m wondering if I should push harder for my son to end things. Your thoughts?
MOTHER
know you want to help. You also seem to have convinced yourself — in the absence of any request for advice or assistance from anyone — that intervening in your son’s relationship is required for his girlfriend’s long-term happiness. But no one has even whispered that she’s dissatisfied. To me, this looks like late-stage helicopter parenting: hovering so closely over your adult child that you also seek to control his romantic partner and their domestic timeline.
Now, you’ve expressed these desires in altruistic terms: Let’s save the girlfriend! And that would be a generous impulse if your son’s girlfriend wanted saving. But I believe we should give a 30-year-old woman the agency to conduct her own affairs. Or at least let her own friends and family be the ones to meddle in them. Even if she has asked for your advice, which does not seem to be the case, send her to a neutral party for help — like a therapist or a couple’s counselor.
I acknowledge the implicit premise that, in retrospect, many people believe they stayed too long in relationships. But ending love affairs is not a decision we get to make for other people. I hope your son and his girlfriend are communicating well. But projecting your assumptions onto them is not helpful. My advice for you is to back off and to work on creating healthier boundaries with your 29-year-old son instead.
Link two
3. In her will, my grandmother divided her estate equally among my mother and her four adult grandchildren. But there was a separate bequest of $13,000 to my mother — before the calculation of anyone else’s share — to help my younger sister with her I.V.F. treatments. This means that most of us are about $3,000 worse off because of this bequest that none of us knew about. Is it reasonable to expect my sister to reimburse us for this sweetheart deal that we were not a part of? When I asked my mother and sister gently for an explanation, I got the runaround and felt that I was attacked for being confrontational. They think I should be more sensitive to my sister’s fertility issues. But I can’t help feeling ripped off!
If your feelings are hurt by your grandmother’s will — if you think that she played favorites among her grandchildren, for instance, or that she prioritized your sister’s fertility issues above your needs — I sympathize with you. Many people see gifts as proxies for love and believe that children (and grandchildren) should be treated equally in wills — down to the last penny.
You don’t mention hurt feelings, though. Instead, you imply that your grandmother owed you an explanation for her will. (She did not. Many lawyers recommend transparency in estate planning, but it is not a requirement.) Now I don’t know the circumstances here, but if you believe that your grandmother was pressured or hoodwinked — you call it a “sweetheart deal” — you may certainly consult a lawyer. But I suspect this is not what you’re suggesting.
It seems more likely that your charges stem from a misunderstanding: We are not entitled to receive a penny from our parents or grandparents when they die. No one stole $3,000 from you because it was never yours to steal. People leave their money as they choose. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad if you think you’ve been slighted. But your grandmother had every right to help your sister with extraordinary medical expenses — regardless of how you feel about it.
4. Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement in Judaism, is coming up. Earlier this year, my longtime therapist hurt me badly. Although I have given her opportunities to apologize, she has not done so. She has not even acknowledged that she harmed me. This has been devastating for me, and I ended our therapeutic relationship. I know that she observes Yom Kippur. May I ask her to apologize in the spirit of the holiday? Even if she doesn’t apologize directly, it would make me feel better if she conveyed her intention to atone for her behavior.
PATIENT
I hate to be a word nerd here — I know you’re hurting — but when you say you have “given her opportunities” to apologize, does that mean you told your former therapist directly that she hurt you, and how? If you have, and she didn’t apologize or dispute your interpretation of events, I would move on — and congratulate yourself for terminating your therapy with her.
But if you haven’t been clear with your former therapist, it may be helpful to book another session to discuss the issue. Misunderstandings happen! But using Yom Kippur to get what you want — though inventive — is manipulative and irrelevant to your therapeutic relationship.
Link three and four
no subject
blushes I try my best.
I'm not a Christian anymore. I don't know if a Restitution Holiday could even be implemented in modern [American] Christianity, but it might be worth a try.