LW, you are way out of line

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and I are professional ballerinas, and we've been dancing together since high school. We've been through so much together -- the long rehearsals, the endless auditions, the excitement of landing roles and the disappointments. Ballet has been a huge part of our lives, and we've always shared that passion.

Recently, my friend dropped a bombshell: She wants to quit ballet. Ballet has been her life for as long as I can remember, so when she told me she's thinking about leaving it all behind, I was shocked. Her reason is that she didn't get the lead role in our most recent show, which she has been working her whole career to get. I know how much she wanted that part and that it was a big disappointment for her, but it breaks my heart to think one setback might cause her to give up something she's been so dedicated to for all these years. I wonder if she's just reacting out of frustration and hurt in the moment. I've seen how much ballet means to her, and I can't imagine her life without it. How can I convince her to not give up her career and keep dancing? -- Quitter

DEAR QUITTER: Be a good listener right now. Let your friend experience the emotional crisis she is in without judgment. She is smarting from this loss. In time, she may realize this does not have to be a defining moment. If not, this could mark a turning point for her. She must decide. Don't try to convince her of anything. Just love her.

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Comments

[conuly]

I'm not sure why, exactly, LW is so invested in this friend's choice to quit ballet, but maybe they need to sit for a while and figure out why that is.

[matsushima]

If I had to guess, I'd say LW doesn't know how to be friends with this person outside of ballet. LW might not know how to have friends outside of ballet, period. (I don't dance but I've heard it's all-consuming if you're a professional.)

[lokifan]

Yeah, absolutely. Which I sympathise with - this is her best friend and she's like 'but how will we be friends without ballet tying us together?', ofc that's scary - but also sheesh. Hope LW takes the advice.

[lilysea]

because if friend quits ballet

then LW might have to think hard about whether or not ***LW*** should quit ballet.

It's like how people who smoke/drink don't like it when their friends quit - because it forces them to re-evaluate their own lives.

It may be that ballet is a good fit for LW - but it may also be that LW is lying to herself about the costs and benefits of ballet in her own life.

[conuly]

Yes, that's what I was getting at.

[green_grrl]

Sometimes it looks like one thing is causing a huge reaction, when it’s really just the last pebble to start the avalanche. (E.g., he didn’t wash the dishes, I’m getting a divorce.) Ballet is a tremendously difficult career, from the food policing to the hours to the wrecked feet and other injuries to the uncertainty of the next role. Friend may have been 75% out the door but willing to try one more time for that dream role. When that didn’t happen, I’m betting there was a huge weight off her shoulders to say, “I’m out.”

[mrissa]

You get to make your own list of reasons why you don't want to do something, but so do your friends, LW, and it doesn't have to be the same list. This is going to keep happening in life even when--as will happen in the blink of an eye--you're too old to dance professionally at the level you're currently doing. People will still get to have their own reasons for stuff. That'll be fine then too.

[ioplokon]

I mean, yeah, the friend should probably sleep on it (if she hasn't already). But presumably part of why she's quitting is because she wants to build a life outside of ballet while she still has time. It's incredibly hard to build a career in ballet but also... it's hard to do a career change in your 30s or 40s (& realistically, you're probably not doing ballet on the back end of your 40s, right? So if you're not getting lead roles and getting paid when you're young, you're kind of screwed).

[katiedid717]

If I think of this along the lines of any other field of work, I understand where LW is coming from. If my best friend had been working towards a specific career track since high school and then was talking about throwing away the entire career after being passed over for a promotion, I would want her to consider whether it was something she actually wanted to do or if it was a hasty reaction to a disappointment - especially if it seemed out of character for her

[mrissa]

If it was any other field of work, though, you could think they would probably be able to work in it past age 35. Or at least most other fields of work.

I had a cousin who played baseball seriously for as long as it seemed like he might make the big leagues. He could have kept playing longer than he did in the minors, but he knew that he was going to need a post-baseball career one way or the other, so he set a couple of milestones for himself: if he didn't get a "big break" at points x, y, or z, he would go do something else. He didn't, so he did. It's the same idea: this career has an expiration date on it that's much sooner than most other careers, your decision tree about it has to be different.

I mean, it doesn't have to be. But an astonishing number of people in both ballet and sport have not thought through the "what next," and it doesn't look like it's great for their lives.

[conuly]

To my knowledge, only one city in the USA even has post-career services for ballet dancers. It's not an easy career to transition out of if you don't have other skills.

[carbonel]

If not, this could mark a turning point for her.

Heh. I saw what you did there, Harriette.

[kshandra]

I can't believe I missed that. (Misha would be so disappointed in me.)