Dear Abby: Shy or Rude?

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old niece "Tammy" is very shy. When I recently visited my brother's home, she hid in her parents' bedroom behind a closed door. She wouldn't come out to say hi or even speak to me through the door.

Today I was on the phone with my sister-in-law and I asked if I could say hello to Tammy. I was told Tammy had left the room because she didn't want to talk. My sister-in-law then remarked that she has the shiest kids on Earth.

I think Tammy's parents should MAKE her speak to me (or anyone else) in person or on the phone. Am I wrong? -- OUTGOING AUNT IN TEXAS

DEAR OUTGOING AUNT: Tammy's behavior is rude, and her mother is covering for her. If Tammy has such overwhelming social anxiety that she cannot exchange even the briefest social amenities, she needs the help of a therapist to help her overcome it.

Comments

[cereta]

I've been mulling this one over for a few days, and thought I'd put it out here for other reactions.

I mostly try to take letters at a certain amount of face value, but I would really, really like to hear the other side of this letter. On the one hand, I do think ignoring company is rude, and part of being a family means you have to socialize with family guests even when you don't really feel like it. OTOH, you know, I don't make my kid talk on the phone with anyone, and she's only four. And between that and the aunt's "outgoing" signature, I wonder if the niece is like that with everyone, or if part of the issue is that the aunt comes on so strongly that the niece is extra uncomfortable around her.

In any event, while I agree that the parents should require some social niceties with guests in the home, I'm bothered by the idea that they should make their daughter talk on the phone.

[derryderrydown]

When I was that age, I'd avoid several aunt-type relatives because I couldn't face the inevitable, "Haven't you grown? Have you got a boyfriend? Hee hee hee, oh, you're too young for boyfriends!" schtick. I can't help feeling there's something similar going on here.

[minoanmiss]

I really want to know what Tammy's perspective is on this, too.

[delphi]

I don't think it's ever really a bad idea for kids that age to get a chance to talk with a trained, impartial counsellor, and as someone who developed some anxieties about the phone at that age, I do wish I'd confronted it earlier.

That said, I wouldn't particularly want to talk to anyone who would say, "I think Tammy's parents should MAKE her speak to me (or anyone else) in person or on the phone," either. If the alleged shyness is affecting Tammy in other parts of her life, then by all means, now is a great time to address it. But twelve is quite old enough to decide you don't want to go out of the way to talk to an extended relative you don't care for, if that's the case.

[vass]

I call bullshit. Neither Abby nor the aunt knows whether Tammy is already having treatment for social anxiety, and in fact it's none of their business. Such treatment does not take effect instantaneously.

Forcing people to push through social anxiety in uncontrolled situations is not a cure for it.

And I agree with the commmenter who said Tammy is old enough to decide not to put up with nosy relatives.

Futhermore, I call concern troll: the aunt wants to make Tammy perform for her, and is masking that with concern for the effects of Tammy's shyness/social anxiety on Tammy.

[amadi]

I think a basic level of personal autonomy is being able to decide who you do and do not want to use your breath talking to, or spending time with in the security of your own home. The child is 12, not 2.

I'm also really irritated as can be at Abby's constant rush to pathologize and medicalize behavior based on a few sentences. I love that neither she nor this aunt, who comes across as obnoxious (at the very least) have considered that Tammy's mother is making a shyness excuse because she doesn't want to tell the aunt that Tammy just doesn't like her.

[liv]

I think it is somewhat rude on the part of Tammy to refuse to even greet a guest in her home. However I think the aunt and Abby are both going way too far in their reactions. Nobody should "make" a child endure extended social interactions with anyone if the child doesn't want to socialize. Either Tammy really is pathologically shy, in which case how she and her parents handle that isn't at all the aunt's business. Or she just doesn't want to talk to the aunt for some reason of her own, in which case I think she has a perfect right to make that decision. If I were Tammy's parents I would strongly encourage her to say hi and then excuse herself (rather than just hiding), but forcing her to spend time with Outgoing Aunt or speak to her on the phone is an unfair use of the power that parents have over children.

[likeaduck]

I feel like even by-the-book Miss Manners politeness for at least the phone situation requires not for the child to talk on the phone, but for the mother to give a better/vaguer excuse for the child not doing so. Telling the aunt that Tammy has left the room so as not to have to talk on the phone seems unnecessary and more like ratting Tammy out than "covering for her" to me.