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Oh my god, LW, fucking get a life
Dear Prudence,
My daughter “Serena,” who’s now 30, is in what could be a beautiful relationship with a man who adores her, yet all she can focus on is her disgust with the very idea of marriage. She says the thought of being a wife makes her feel “physically ill.” She talks about it like it’s some kind of prison sentence, as though the mere idea of compromise is an attack on her very soul. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. How could I have raised such a bitter, destructive person?
I understand a bit about where this darkness is coming from. Her father and I had an ugly divorce resulting from his constant cheating, and her stepfather and I also had an ugly divorce when he became extremely emotionally abusive—but I tried as hard as I could to shield her from the worst of it. As a result of the trauma she experienced from witnessing my failed marriages, here she is, seeing the world through this lens of suspicion, always expecting betrayal. She clings to her bitterness like it’s armor, refusing to let herself be vulnerable to love, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. She doesn’t see that her boyfriend “Ian”—who, by the way, is “nothing” like the men she’s comparing him to—is doing everything in his power to be patient, to love her through her walls, but she won’t let him in.
I can’t even talk to her about it because she gets defensive, as if admitting that marriage isn’t some trap would mean giving up control. She always has to be in control, and I think she’s terrified of what might happen if she let someone take care of her for once. It’s like watching her build her own emotional fortress, brick by brick, shutting everyone out, and I just want to scream because she’s not protecting herself—she’s isolating herself.
And then there’s Ian. He’s such a warm, confident man, always trying to bring light into her life. He sees her strength and respects it, but I don’t know how long he can keep fighting for someone who doesn’t even believe in the possibility of joy. I can tell he’s growing weary, and I’m terrified that one day he’ll realize she’s just pushing him away, over and over, until he leaves. And then she’ll spiral even deeper into that toxic pit of resentment and blame, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull her out.
I’ve tried everything—talking, crying, begging her to see that love isn’t a weakness, that it’s not about submission or losing herself. But she’s so entrenched in her cynicism, so committed to being right, that she’s willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to avoid feeling vulnerable. How did we end up here? Is it too late for her to change, to let love in before she drives everyone away?
—Heartbroken and Helpless Mom
Dear Heartbroken,
Forgive me, but I’m having a hard time seeing what makes your daughter bitter? You say that you see destructiveness and unhappiness in her, but all I am able to see here is a 30-year-old woman who doesn’t want to get married and is dating a man who treats her well. Does he want to get married? Does it bother him that she doesn’t? Again, you say you can see him suffering, waiting for her, but I see no evidence of this perspective. Is it possible that you want your daughter to do what you would do if you were 30 and dating a man who treated you well? That’s understandable, but unfortunately, not entirely reasonable. Your daughter is a different person than you are, and has a much better idea of how to make herself happy than you do. She may be down on marriage, as more and more young women are, but it doesn’t seem that she eschews love in her life. She accepts it enough to attract and keep a man who loves her. As long as no one is being mistreated here, let her do her thing, and enjoy her life. Marriage isn’t a goal for everyone.
Link
My daughter “Serena,” who’s now 30, is in what could be a beautiful relationship with a man who adores her, yet all she can focus on is her disgust with the very idea of marriage. She says the thought of being a wife makes her feel “physically ill.” She talks about it like it’s some kind of prison sentence, as though the mere idea of compromise is an attack on her very soul. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. How could I have raised such a bitter, destructive person?
I understand a bit about where this darkness is coming from. Her father and I had an ugly divorce resulting from his constant cheating, and her stepfather and I also had an ugly divorce when he became extremely emotionally abusive—but I tried as hard as I could to shield her from the worst of it. As a result of the trauma she experienced from witnessing my failed marriages, here she is, seeing the world through this lens of suspicion, always expecting betrayal. She clings to her bitterness like it’s armor, refusing to let herself be vulnerable to love, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. She doesn’t see that her boyfriend “Ian”—who, by the way, is “nothing” like the men she’s comparing him to—is doing everything in his power to be patient, to love her through her walls, but she won’t let him in.
I can’t even talk to her about it because she gets defensive, as if admitting that marriage isn’t some trap would mean giving up control. She always has to be in control, and I think she’s terrified of what might happen if she let someone take care of her for once. It’s like watching her build her own emotional fortress, brick by brick, shutting everyone out, and I just want to scream because she’s not protecting herself—she’s isolating herself.
And then there’s Ian. He’s such a warm, confident man, always trying to bring light into her life. He sees her strength and respects it, but I don’t know how long he can keep fighting for someone who doesn’t even believe in the possibility of joy. I can tell he’s growing weary, and I’m terrified that one day he’ll realize she’s just pushing him away, over and over, until he leaves. And then she’ll spiral even deeper into that toxic pit of resentment and blame, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull her out.
I’ve tried everything—talking, crying, begging her to see that love isn’t a weakness, that it’s not about submission or losing herself. But she’s so entrenched in her cynicism, so committed to being right, that she’s willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to avoid feeling vulnerable. How did we end up here? Is it too late for her to change, to let love in before she drives everyone away?
—Heartbroken and Helpless Mom
Dear Heartbroken,
Forgive me, but I’m having a hard time seeing what makes your daughter bitter? You say that you see destructiveness and unhappiness in her, but all I am able to see here is a 30-year-old woman who doesn’t want to get married and is dating a man who treats her well. Does he want to get married? Does it bother him that she doesn’t? Again, you say you can see him suffering, waiting for her, but I see no evidence of this perspective. Is it possible that you want your daughter to do what you would do if you were 30 and dating a man who treated you well? That’s understandable, but unfortunately, not entirely reasonable. Your daughter is a different person than you are, and has a much better idea of how to make herself happy than you do. She may be down on marriage, as more and more young women are, but it doesn’t seem that she eschews love in her life. She accepts it enough to attract and keep a man who loves her. As long as no one is being mistreated here, let her do her thing, and enjoy her life. Marriage isn’t a goal for everyone.
Link
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All evidence suggests that this is all LW can focus on, but I suspect Serena is not really as one-track as her mother.
How could I have raised such a bitter, destructive person?
She's not Godzilla, she just doesn't want to get married. Lots of people do not see marriage as a life goal, and that's okay.
I understand a bit about where this darkness is coming from.
LW, has anybody ever told you that your prose is too purple?
Her father and I had an ugly divorce resulting from his constant cheating, and her stepfather and I also had an ugly divorce when he became extremely emotionally abusive—but I tried as hard as I could to shield her from the worst of it.
This is not all about you!
As a result of the trauma she experienced from witnessing my failed marriages, here she is, seeing the world through this lens of suspicion, always expecting betrayal.
And instead of loving and understanding your daughter, you've decided to betray her trust through constantly berating her and attacking her feelings.
She clings to her bitterness like it’s armor, refusing to let herself be vulnerable to love, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. She doesn’t see that her boyfriend “Ian”—who, by the way, is “nothing” like the men she’s comparing him to—is doing everything in his power to be patient, to love her through her walls, but she won’t let him in.
I mean, she's got an apparently long-term boyfriend. Sounds like she's been plenty vulnerable to love. She just doesn't want to marry him. Also, LW, learn to use quotation marks appropriately.
It’s like watching her build her own emotional fortress, brick by brick, shutting everyone out, and I just want to scream because she’s not protecting herself—she’s isolating herself.
Lady, if I had you as a mother I'd want to shut you out too.
I can tell he’s growing weary
No, you cannot. Not unless he's actually come to you and said the words "I'm growing weary".
And then she’ll spiral even deeper into that toxic pit of resentment and blame, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull her out.
Please don't. Please focus on pulling yourself out of your own toxic pit of whatever this is.
I’ve tried everything—talking, crying, begging her to see that love isn’t a weakness, that it’s not about submission or losing herself.
Have you tried minding your own business? It might make a nice change of pace.
Is it too late for her to change, to let love in before she drives everyone away?
You are the only person driving people away, and I hope your daughter goes super low contact real soon, for her own well-being.
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Word. My parents had a great marriage -- albeit with the societal issues inherent in any het marriage between two Silent Generationers -- and the idea of getting married squicks me out and I'm so glad I had the option not to. Serena doesn't seem traumatized, here, at all; it's possible she has no trauma about her mother's shitty marriages at all.
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Is it possible that you, too*, are in need of a marriage? Be the good example and find some candidates for your daughter's new stepfather. Date around! Make sure to work carefully and avoid cheaters and abusers. Maybe interview a few of their exes, and be suspicious of convenient widowers: you wouldn't want to add a murderer to your husbandly roster! Once you have found a new husband, you can show by your happiness and your new husband's continued failure to become a monster once you are legally tied to him that you were right and needing a man is nothing like a fish with a bicycle.
* we're going with Heartbroken's viewpoint of "need" here.
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So sometimes you see this weird combination of "he would be a perfect partner and I only wish I had one like that" and "he would be a perfect adult child and I only wish mine would behave like that," and in both cases not recognizing that the parent is not in a place to see the whole picture of how the partner actually behaves as a partner OR as a child of a parent.
And it's not that I'm claiming that Ian is automatically horrid to his mother and abusive to LW's daughter behind closed doors. Just that LW is not likely to notice that he leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor or ignores his mother's texts or other non-fatal-but-non-perfect traits.
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Hadestown maybe?
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She doesn’t see that her boyfriend…is doing everything in his power to be patient, to love her through her walls…
It’s like watching her build her own emotional fortress, brick by brick, shutting everyone out, and I just want to scream because she’s not protecting herself—she’s isolating herself.
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(I'm not keen on marriage, either, because *I have gone through more than one divorce* -- that doesn't mean that I'm "a bitter, destructive person" or that I'm against longterm committed partnerships, but I'm very unlikely to legally tie myself to another person again.)
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(Speaking from observation, not experience.)
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