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Daughters-in-Law and nearly....
1. DEAR ABBY: Our son is engaged to marry a young lady our family can't stand. No matter what we are discussing, she turns the conversation to long, boring stories about her friend, her aunt, her cousin, etc. Nobody cares about these stories, and they are constant. Our two daughters and their husbands roll their eyes and limit their time with her. My husband leaves the room. Even my 95-year-old mother, who is partially deaf, can't be in her company.
Our daughters think we should tell our son not to marry her, as it is ruining our close family. He doesn't seem to notice it, seems to love her and will be hurt. Have you any suggestions? -- STUMPED MOM IN THE EAST
DEAR STUMPED MOM: If you do what your daughters are suggesting, your son is almost guaranteed to be offended and become defensive. It could very likely alienate him and his fiancee. An alternative might be for you to talk privately with your son and point out that his fiancee needs to curtail her speeches because, in case he hasn't noticed, they are so long that she has literally been losing her audience.
Link one
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2. DEAR ABBY: My son is engaged to a girl we all love, but recently, there's been an issue. My husband was at their house while my son's fiancee was finishing up getting ready for their date night. (They live 10 minutes from us, and my husband has been there often since his retirement.) When she was done, she came downstairs, told my husband they were leaving and ordered my son to follow her to the car. My son said nothing at the time. This upset my husband greatly because he values time with our son, who's our only child.
Later on, my husband and I spoke with her, saying we didn't appreciate her attitude. She countered by saying they had a reservation and my husband rambles and is oblivious to the concept that other people don't always have the time to engage with him. She then brought up several instances in which my husband made my son late for something. When we asked our son, we were shocked to find he agreed with her! He said he didn't want to bring it up himself because it made him uncomfortable. My husband does like to talk, but I hardly see it as an issue.
Abby, I'm worried. I find her behavior grossly inconsiderate. I don't want my son marrying some bossy woman who will order him around and refuses to see our side. She said she'll speak with us about this further only if we agree to see a counselor to discuss "all our issues." I didn't know we HAVE issues. My son has never said anything before, but when we asked, he said he agreed with her. What do we do? -- FLABBERGASTED IN-LAWS
DEAR IN-LAWS: Take a step back and stop trying to defend your husband and your son, who should have spoken up before his fiancee felt she had to. If you want a relationship with your son and his future wife, take her up on her suggestion to visit a family therapist together. If you do, it may give each of you an opportunity to air your grievances and to work out an agreement that may satisfy all of you and prevent more problems of this sort in the future.
Link two
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3. Dear Annie: My son is married to a wonderful young woman, and they've recently started a family. She comes from a very large family; she's the youngest of nine. Our family is much smaller, consisting only of myself, my son and my daughter. We don't have any extended relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins. It's just the three of us.
My daughter-in-law frequently hosts her family and friends for vacations, family gatherings and trips. Unfortunately, neither my daughter nor I are ever invited to these events. Since I live three hours away, I have to ask her permission to visit, and most of the time, they have plans with her own family or friends.
I often feel jealous and hurt, especially for my daughter, as she has only my son and me in terms of family. When I try to discuss this with my son, he tells me that I'm overreacting, exaggerating and being jealous. He implies that if I want to be involved in my grandchild's life, I have to accept whatever time they offer. With baby number two due in November, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay quiet.
Please advise me on how I can approach this situation or what I might say to improve the situation. -- Green-Eyed Nana
Dear Green-Eyed Nana: It's completely understandable to feel left out and jealous when you see others enjoying family gatherings while you're excluded. FOMO, or "fear of missing out," is real. Open communication with your son is key. Express to him how much you would like to be more involved in family activities. While it might not increase your one-on-one time, you might find yourself included in more events that involve her family.
Since you've already noted that your daughter-in-law is wonderful, she might not realize how much you'd appreciate being included. It might help to let her know that you'd love to join more family gatherings.
Additionally, with the arrival of baby number two, there may be opportunities for you to help. Make sure to communicate your willingness to assist, emphasizing your desire to be supportive rather than focusing on feeling left out.
Best of luck, and I hope things improve for you and your family.
Link three
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4. Dear Carolyn: Last month, I married the most wonderful man after five-plus years of dating. We have a wonderful relationship and many years of friendship before romance. Things with his family have always been a bit shaky, like there was something unsaid in the room. My husband always told me I was imagining things when I asked if he felt this tension.
His parents’ speech at the wedding barely mentioned me and made me very uncomfortable. I was a mere footnote in its entire 20 minutes. Its “strangeness” instigated some hard talks where my husband gently revealed his parents did not approve of me for most of our tenure dating. He never told me because he felt they were in the wrong and he wanted to protect me.
He promised me he always had my back, and I completely believe him. There was a period when he stopped talking to them, and now I know it was because he didn’t appreciate how they spoke about me. I wasn’t that surprised, given I always knew something was off, but I am kind of horrified to have entered into a family that could so barely hide their contempt.
My husband says his parents like me now, but he couldn’t really give much proof. I feel like the speech proved they still disapprove.
I love my husband — we just got married! And I am committed to not causing a scene. But I spend a lot of time with his parents — weekends, vacations, holidays — and I would love advice on how to reconcile my feelings of betrayal, sadness and, honestly, anger to be the best partner for a lasting peace with his family.
— The Judged DIL
The Judged DIL: Thank goodness he’s so wonderful, because being lied to for five years solid by a regular person would be pretty bad.
Okay, your husband is wonderful, I’ll take your word for it. I’ll buy 100 percent that he loves you and meant to protect you all those years from the truth of his parents’ contempt. But with all those fine, loving intentions, dude gaslit you to the bejeezus.
Over and over and over, he told you your ears were hearing wrong, your eyes were seeing wrong, your senses were sensing wrong. “No, Pookie, you’re just imagining things, there’s no! tension! at all! in the room with my parents!!!”
How much can a person mess with your head, for how many years, and still claim to be doing it “to protect me”? How could he face himself? At what point was it about protecting himself from the awkwardness of having a partner who was about to want nothing to do with his parents?
I admire your generous spirit. No sarcasm, I mean it. Sounds as if he (and his parents, ha) should have trusted you from the very beginning.
A commitment to “not causing a scene,” though, is all about effect. My advice to you now is to be all cause, all the time until you’re satisfied you’re a full partner in all facets of your marriage that affect you. As in, all of them.
So if his parents are still anti-you, as you clearly suspect, then you hear that truth from your husband’s mouth. Now. If they’re not anti-you exactly, but still a bit tepid, then you hear that truth from his mouth. Now. If he held anything else back, then you hear it from him. Now.
If he understands the incredibly corrosive effect of telling his beloved (or anyone) year after year after year that she’s “imagining” something he knows to be real, then you hear that truth from his mouth. In full. Now.
If he professes not to understand, or if he dares to minimize or rationalize it or defend himself, then you explain in detail that he lied to your face knowing you were correct all along about his parents, and in doing so encouraged you to second-guess your own grasp of reality — then he repeats the main concepts back to you to show he understands, and you decide whether he does in fact understand you now, and you repeat this process as necessary until you are satisfied he really freaking gets it.
And when you’re there, really there, you ask again what his parents actually think of you. Now. Because if you can’t trust what he tells you, after all this, then Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter, does it? And if you can trust him, then Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter, does it? You go and be yourselves and love and support each other, and his parents will just have to deal with that.
(Um. A 20-minute speech? At a wedding.)
Link four
Our daughters think we should tell our son not to marry her, as it is ruining our close family. He doesn't seem to notice it, seems to love her and will be hurt. Have you any suggestions? -- STUMPED MOM IN THE EAST
DEAR STUMPED MOM: If you do what your daughters are suggesting, your son is almost guaranteed to be offended and become defensive. It could very likely alienate him and his fiancee. An alternative might be for you to talk privately with your son and point out that his fiancee needs to curtail her speeches because, in case he hasn't noticed, they are so long that she has literally been losing her audience.
Link one
2. DEAR ABBY: My son is engaged to a girl we all love, but recently, there's been an issue. My husband was at their house while my son's fiancee was finishing up getting ready for their date night. (They live 10 minutes from us, and my husband has been there often since his retirement.) When she was done, she came downstairs, told my husband they were leaving and ordered my son to follow her to the car. My son said nothing at the time. This upset my husband greatly because he values time with our son, who's our only child.
Later on, my husband and I spoke with her, saying we didn't appreciate her attitude. She countered by saying they had a reservation and my husband rambles and is oblivious to the concept that other people don't always have the time to engage with him. She then brought up several instances in which my husband made my son late for something. When we asked our son, we were shocked to find he agreed with her! He said he didn't want to bring it up himself because it made him uncomfortable. My husband does like to talk, but I hardly see it as an issue.
Abby, I'm worried. I find her behavior grossly inconsiderate. I don't want my son marrying some bossy woman who will order him around and refuses to see our side. She said she'll speak with us about this further only if we agree to see a counselor to discuss "all our issues." I didn't know we HAVE issues. My son has never said anything before, but when we asked, he said he agreed with her. What do we do? -- FLABBERGASTED IN-LAWS
DEAR IN-LAWS: Take a step back and stop trying to defend your husband and your son, who should have spoken up before his fiancee felt she had to. If you want a relationship with your son and his future wife, take her up on her suggestion to visit a family therapist together. If you do, it may give each of you an opportunity to air your grievances and to work out an agreement that may satisfy all of you and prevent more problems of this sort in the future.
Link two
3. Dear Annie: My son is married to a wonderful young woman, and they've recently started a family. She comes from a very large family; she's the youngest of nine. Our family is much smaller, consisting only of myself, my son and my daughter. We don't have any extended relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins. It's just the three of us.
My daughter-in-law frequently hosts her family and friends for vacations, family gatherings and trips. Unfortunately, neither my daughter nor I are ever invited to these events. Since I live three hours away, I have to ask her permission to visit, and most of the time, they have plans with her own family or friends.
I often feel jealous and hurt, especially for my daughter, as she has only my son and me in terms of family. When I try to discuss this with my son, he tells me that I'm overreacting, exaggerating and being jealous. He implies that if I want to be involved in my grandchild's life, I have to accept whatever time they offer. With baby number two due in November, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay quiet.
Please advise me on how I can approach this situation or what I might say to improve the situation. -- Green-Eyed Nana
Dear Green-Eyed Nana: It's completely understandable to feel left out and jealous when you see others enjoying family gatherings while you're excluded. FOMO, or "fear of missing out," is real. Open communication with your son is key. Express to him how much you would like to be more involved in family activities. While it might not increase your one-on-one time, you might find yourself included in more events that involve her family.
Since you've already noted that your daughter-in-law is wonderful, she might not realize how much you'd appreciate being included. It might help to let her know that you'd love to join more family gatherings.
Additionally, with the arrival of baby number two, there may be opportunities for you to help. Make sure to communicate your willingness to assist, emphasizing your desire to be supportive rather than focusing on feeling left out.
Best of luck, and I hope things improve for you and your family.
Link three
4. Dear Carolyn: Last month, I married the most wonderful man after five-plus years of dating. We have a wonderful relationship and many years of friendship before romance. Things with his family have always been a bit shaky, like there was something unsaid in the room. My husband always told me I was imagining things when I asked if he felt this tension.
His parents’ speech at the wedding barely mentioned me and made me very uncomfortable. I was a mere footnote in its entire 20 minutes. Its “strangeness” instigated some hard talks where my husband gently revealed his parents did not approve of me for most of our tenure dating. He never told me because he felt they were in the wrong and he wanted to protect me.
He promised me he always had my back, and I completely believe him. There was a period when he stopped talking to them, and now I know it was because he didn’t appreciate how they spoke about me. I wasn’t that surprised, given I always knew something was off, but I am kind of horrified to have entered into a family that could so barely hide their contempt.
My husband says his parents like me now, but he couldn’t really give much proof. I feel like the speech proved they still disapprove.
I love my husband — we just got married! And I am committed to not causing a scene. But I spend a lot of time with his parents — weekends, vacations, holidays — and I would love advice on how to reconcile my feelings of betrayal, sadness and, honestly, anger to be the best partner for a lasting peace with his family.
— The Judged DIL
The Judged DIL: Thank goodness he’s so wonderful, because being lied to for five years solid by a regular person would be pretty bad.
Okay, your husband is wonderful, I’ll take your word for it. I’ll buy 100 percent that he loves you and meant to protect you all those years from the truth of his parents’ contempt. But with all those fine, loving intentions, dude gaslit you to the bejeezus.
Over and over and over, he told you your ears were hearing wrong, your eyes were seeing wrong, your senses were sensing wrong. “No, Pookie, you’re just imagining things, there’s no! tension! at all! in the room with my parents!!!”
How much can a person mess with your head, for how many years, and still claim to be doing it “to protect me”? How could he face himself? At what point was it about protecting himself from the awkwardness of having a partner who was about to want nothing to do with his parents?
I admire your generous spirit. No sarcasm, I mean it. Sounds as if he (and his parents, ha) should have trusted you from the very beginning.
A commitment to “not causing a scene,” though, is all about effect. My advice to you now is to be all cause, all the time until you’re satisfied you’re a full partner in all facets of your marriage that affect you. As in, all of them.
So if his parents are still anti-you, as you clearly suspect, then you hear that truth from your husband’s mouth. Now. If they’re not anti-you exactly, but still a bit tepid, then you hear that truth from his mouth. Now. If he held anything else back, then you hear it from him. Now.
If he understands the incredibly corrosive effect of telling his beloved (or anyone) year after year after year that she’s “imagining” something he knows to be real, then you hear that truth from his mouth. In full. Now.
If he professes not to understand, or if he dares to minimize or rationalize it or defend himself, then you explain in detail that he lied to your face knowing you were correct all along about his parents, and in doing so encouraged you to second-guess your own grasp of reality — then he repeats the main concepts back to you to show he understands, and you decide whether he does in fact understand you now, and you repeat this process as necessary until you are satisfied he really freaking gets it.
And when you’re there, really there, you ask again what his parents actually think of you. Now. Because if you can’t trust what he tells you, after all this, then Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter, does it? And if you can trust him, then Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter, does it? You go and be yourselves and love and support each other, and his parents will just have to deal with that.
(Um. A 20-minute speech? At a wedding.)
Link four
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Anyway LW none of that is in any way an excuse for what you want to do; none of this is even a reason to think she'd be a bad match for your son. It's a reason to be patient and respect your son's choices. You aren't actually obligated to sit around while she talks, anyway, *you* can practice taking the conversational lead back without being oppressively disrespectful. Queue up some of your own long boring stories and see what happens.
2. The problem here isn't your DIL being rude, it's your son not having the spine to be the one to kick his dad out, and that's your fault. You need to have a long talk with your son where you say you don't mean to monopolize his time or make him late and reassure him that he can always ask you to leave if he's too busy to chat and you won't hold grudges - and then live up to it.
3. Is it just me or do grandparents who talk about mostly wanting to see their kids' families so they can get grandkid access also increasingly give other people the heebie-jeebies?
If your son is using his wife's family as an excuse to never visit you at traditional family holidays, there's compromises you can work out (like visiting you in mid-December for a combined holiday, or a big summer trip to make up for it.) There's only the three of you, so it should be easy to make new family holiday traditions that won't conflict with anyone's inlaws. But honestly this whole letter gives off a very strong vibe of good for him.
4. This is actually really good advice!! Fix your gaslighting problem, then worry about the inlaws (if you still have any.)
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But the "access to grandkids" thing combined with just the general vibes of the letter... yeah.
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Ehhh I have Suspicions about the extent to which DIL is hosting her family and expecting Son to organise social with his at whatever frequency they mutually deem Not Too Much...
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Re 2: well. Maybe not a long talk :-p
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