However, in these three letters Harriette is not totally wrong

[conuly]

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 36-year-old woman who is eager to get married, but my live-in partner doesn't seem to be picking up on my hints. I've tried dropping subtle clues and even resorted to bribing his 5-year-old son to ask why we aren't married yet in exchange for ice cream after breakfast. However, my partner continues to make excuses and avoids the topic. I'm wondering if it's time for me to directly ask him about marriage, or if his behavior is a sign that he may not be interested in taking that next step. Should I gather the courage to have a candid conversation with him, or are these signs indicating that he may not be ready to commit? He is a decent man in all aspects. -- Living Together

DEAR LIVING TOGETHER: A problem many couples have these days is that they intertwine their lives before establishing an understanding of what each of them wants and what they may want together. What did you discuss when you moved in together? Do you know his thoughts about marriage, family and the future?

You absolutely should speak to him directly about what you want. Do not be shy. Tell him you want to get married. Ask him if he wants the same. Figure out now if the two of you are on the same page or if you can get there. Otherwise, that's your cue to exit.

Link one

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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm 20 and currently dating someone who is significantly older than me -- by 16 years. While we have a strong connection, we face challenges due to our age gap. My partner's parents, who are more traditional, have made it clear through their disapproving glances and subtle comments that they are not fond of our relationship. I want to make a good impression and have a positive relationship with them. How can I build a better connection with them? Any advice on how to win them over would be greatly appreciated. -- Age Gap

DEAR AGE GAP: As the mother of a 20-year-old daughter, I have to say I totally understand the concerns that your partner's parents (and probably others) have about your relationship. I also get that you feel like you have met someone who may be your partner and want to explore that. My best advice is to slow down. A lasting relationship is built on shared interests, intellectual connection, compatible values, intertwined goals, mutual respect and physical attraction. Pay attention to which of these things you share. How novel is the relationship versus how lasting? What do you want from this relationship?

I know that 20-year-olds can be mature, but through your eyes today, what do you want for your life and how might your partner fit into your vision? What does he want? Your partner's parents' opinion of your relationship may soften over time if you two demonstrate that your commitment is real and can stand the test of time. Be patient and pay attention.

Link two

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3. DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm facing a situation with my 16-year-old niece, who is in a relationship with a 19-year-old boy from our neighborhood. I'm deeply concerned because this boy has a reputation for being a bad influence, and I fear that my niece might be negatively affected by this relationship. My niece is currently living with me after her grandmother, who was her primary guardian, passed away. Her parents are alcoholics; they're abusive and neglectful, which has made her upbringing particularly difficult.

Given her troubled past and the lack of stable, supportive figures in her life, I can't help but wonder if these factors are influencing her attraction to someone who might not be good for her. Despite my attempts to discuss my concerns with her, she seems attached to him and dismisses my worries. I want to protect her from making potentially harmful choices, but I do not want to drive a wedge between us. How can I approach this situation thoughtfully while considering her difficult background? -- Niece at Hand

DEAR NIECE AT HAND: Tread lightly. Your niece is at the age when whatever you say, she may do the opposite. You cannot force her to dump this man. Instead, invite her to talk about values. Ask her what she wants for her life. Suggest that she think about the qualities she wants in a partner. Get her to tell you what she likes about this man. Find out from her if there is anything she doesn't like. Finally, because she is in a relationship, offer to take her to the doctor for a full exam and birth control. Protect her in any way you can, which has to include from getting pregnant.

Link three

Comments

[conuly]

LW1, what the hell are you doing? You're a grown woman. You are thirty-six years old. But you're not grown-up enough to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about the future of your relationship?

If you're not ready to talk to the man, you're not ready to propose. FFS.

LW2, your boyfriend's parents don't like you, but what do your parents think of this relationship? Are they seriously okay with this? Because I gotta say, when I hear about a man in his 30s dating somebody who isn't old enough to legally drink in the USA, who is very likely still in college or hasn't gotten her first "real" job yet, I always ask what's wrong with him that he can't find somebody his own age to date. You know, somebody who couldn't plausibly be his daughter. (Or somebody in his daughter's extended friend group, anyway.)

I'm not saying that all relationships with this age gap that start when the younger party is in their teens or early twenties are necessarily toxic... but when they are, they really, really are.

Not that LW2 is likely to take any direct advice on this topic.

As for LW3, I'd be reluctant to write off a teenager on vague reports of them being "a bad influence", especially since people probably say the same damn thing about your niece. In what way is he a bad influence that you refuse to say directly? Does he have a criminal record? Does he use marijuana? Be specific!

Anyway, Harriette is right about this one - your niece is too old to manhandle, so you'd better get used to the idea that she'll make her own choices, good and bad.

[mrissa]

I'm not sure that LW2's boyfriend's parents don't like HER. You can think that someone is a perfectly lovely person without thinking the relationship is a good idea. And learning to tell the difference between those two things when you're on the receiving end is...well, it's part of maturity, and not always an easy part.

[conuly]

Yes, I think I meant to say "your relationship" but screwed up.

[firecat]

The complete lack of any mention of LW2’s parents and the focus of LW2’s desire (not “how do I get his parents off our back” but “how do I improve my relationship with his parents”) makes me wonder if they have much of a relationship with their parents at all. They sound quite mature for 20. I wonder if they’re an ACOA or equivalent — if so I wouldn’t disapprove of LW2 so much as worry they’re getting stuck in a codependent role.

[firecat]

I found it notable that LW2 didn’t say “his parents don’t like me,” but said they “have made it clear…that they are not fond of our relationship.” Maybe I’m reading too much into it but LW2 does seem cognizant of the difference you mention.

[conuly]

Yes, I think I meant to say "your relationship" but screwed up.

[minoanmiss]

Thank you, Harriette, for not being totally awful x 3!

[conuly]

It's amazing whenever it happens, and these are the sorts of questions she's most likely to be awful with, too.

[ethelmay]

The bit about bribing the five-year-old to ask seemed especially dysfunctional. WTF, do not do this to a kid, ever.

[conuly]

I know!

Not just dysfunctional, but it'd be immature even in middle school.