![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Carolyn: I got my dream job last year and moved to New York City. I found a decent place to live with three compatible roommates and I’m figuring things out and loving life. My parents, on the other hand, are miserable. They live only a few hours away in a small town and think I am going to get killed or robbed living where I do. They can’t accept that I can take care of myself.
They call me every day. I answer when I can, but it’s not always convenient. Sometimes I’m asleep, sometimes it’s too early, and sometimes I’m just busy and don’t want to talk to them or anyone else for that matter. When I don’t answer, they immediately call my roommates, one after another. Then my roommates end up waking me or texting me to call my parents so they stop freaking out.
I understand my parents’ being nervous, but it’s been nine months now and they’re always calling about something unimportant that can wait. It’s so embarrassing to explain to my roommates why my parents are calling them about me when I’m almost 25. I’ve asked my parents to stop but they say they can’t, so I told my roommates to block my parents’ numbers.
Yesterday when I called my mom back, she was sobbing, saying my dad almost had a heart attack when they couldn’t get a hold of any of us. He wanted to call the police. I tried to talk to him, but he was too mad at me to take my call. I don’t know what to do. I want to live my life, but I hate upsetting them this way.
— Check-in Trap
Check-in Trap: You are not “upsetting them.” You are an adult living a typically safe, typical adult life that — literally! — millions of other typical people are typically safely living. By that I mean, not entirely without risk, but with the kind of risks everyone assumes by living.
So your parents are upsetting themselves with hysteria and unchecked ignorance. They also are demonstrating a need for either psychological care or political deprogramming. Or both.
Do they know? Your chance of being murdered today in New York City is roughly 1 in 8 million. (Over the past 10 years, it’s had anywhere from 292 to 488 homicides per year, in a population of over 8 million.) Even one is tragic, yes, but also statistically freaking rare. Which is the scientific term, by the way.
I am sorry your parents are doing this to you. And to themselves and your roommates. And soon to the cops. But these next steps are necessary:
1. Make exactly one (1) clear, kind, nonnegotiable statement of intent: “Mom, Dad. I love you and hear your worry. But your fear is not rational and panicked calls aren’t acceptable. Millions live in New York — literally! They survive it.” I mean, explain the real estate prices otherwise … “so I will not indulge your fear anymore. I won’t discuss my safety. I will call to check in every _____.” Whatever time interval you can manage.
I suggest once per week to start. Break their false-assurance-feedback dependency. Then: “I will block your numbers in between; email me with anything time-sensitive. If it is not time-sensitive, then I will respond in my next scheduled call.” You may need a friend to skim those emails for you at first. “If you send the cops after me for living my life, then you will train them not to come if there ever is an emergency. So don’t. I have people here looking out for me.”
2. Understand the problem is way bigger than phone blocking. Sobbing? “Heart attack?” Nine months of daily panic about one of the most popular hometowns on Earth? But it’s not your job to fix your parents. The blocking is merely to break the panic circuit and create space, which is your job. Effective, but simplistic.
3. In that space you give yourself, it’s also on you to build emotional health. They’ve conditioned you to appease them, so you may need therapeutic support just to take that first step of blocking. There is no shame in that; it’ll be a flat-out grueling first few weeks as your parents (over) react. A therapist might be the appropriate guide, not to mention the outlet you want, if your roommates have had enough.
You moved to a city that terrifies your parents just to think about, so never minimize your own courage. You’re also justifying to us, strangers, why you don’t pick up every single one of these unhinged calls — so also never minimize how effectively your parents guilt-mapped your brain. It’s a lot to navigate just as you’re “figuring things out and loving life.” Meaning, you gave yourself some crucial healthy distance by moving away; now get some help with the rest.
Link
They call me every day. I answer when I can, but it’s not always convenient. Sometimes I’m asleep, sometimes it’s too early, and sometimes I’m just busy and don’t want to talk to them or anyone else for that matter. When I don’t answer, they immediately call my roommates, one after another. Then my roommates end up waking me or texting me to call my parents so they stop freaking out.
I understand my parents’ being nervous, but it’s been nine months now and they’re always calling about something unimportant that can wait. It’s so embarrassing to explain to my roommates why my parents are calling them about me when I’m almost 25. I’ve asked my parents to stop but they say they can’t, so I told my roommates to block my parents’ numbers.
Yesterday when I called my mom back, she was sobbing, saying my dad almost had a heart attack when they couldn’t get a hold of any of us. He wanted to call the police. I tried to talk to him, but he was too mad at me to take my call. I don’t know what to do. I want to live my life, but I hate upsetting them this way.
— Check-in Trap
Check-in Trap: You are not “upsetting them.” You are an adult living a typically safe, typical adult life that — literally! — millions of other typical people are typically safely living. By that I mean, not entirely without risk, but with the kind of risks everyone assumes by living.
So your parents are upsetting themselves with hysteria and unchecked ignorance. They also are demonstrating a need for either psychological care or political deprogramming. Or both.
Do they know? Your chance of being murdered today in New York City is roughly 1 in 8 million. (Over the past 10 years, it’s had anywhere from 292 to 488 homicides per year, in a population of over 8 million.) Even one is tragic, yes, but also statistically freaking rare. Which is the scientific term, by the way.
I am sorry your parents are doing this to you. And to themselves and your roommates. And soon to the cops. But these next steps are necessary:
1. Make exactly one (1) clear, kind, nonnegotiable statement of intent: “Mom, Dad. I love you and hear your worry. But your fear is not rational and panicked calls aren’t acceptable. Millions live in New York — literally! They survive it.” I mean, explain the real estate prices otherwise … “so I will not indulge your fear anymore. I won’t discuss my safety. I will call to check in every _____.” Whatever time interval you can manage.
I suggest once per week to start. Break their false-assurance-feedback dependency. Then: “I will block your numbers in between; email me with anything time-sensitive. If it is not time-sensitive, then I will respond in my next scheduled call.” You may need a friend to skim those emails for you at first. “If you send the cops after me for living my life, then you will train them not to come if there ever is an emergency. So don’t. I have people here looking out for me.”
2. Understand the problem is way bigger than phone blocking. Sobbing? “Heart attack?” Nine months of daily panic about one of the most popular hometowns on Earth? But it’s not your job to fix your parents. The blocking is merely to break the panic circuit and create space, which is your job. Effective, but simplistic.
3. In that space you give yourself, it’s also on you to build emotional health. They’ve conditioned you to appease them, so you may need therapeutic support just to take that first step of blocking. There is no shame in that; it’ll be a flat-out grueling first few weeks as your parents (over) react. A therapist might be the appropriate guide, not to mention the outlet you want, if your roommates have had enough.
You moved to a city that terrifies your parents just to think about, so never minimize your own courage. You’re also justifying to us, strangers, why you don’t pick up every single one of these unhinged calls — so also never minimize how effectively your parents guilt-mapped your brain. It’s a lot to navigate just as you’re “figuring things out and loving life.” Meaning, you gave yourself some crucial healthy distance by moving away; now get some help with the rest.
Link
no subject
My wife had to tell her that if she had gotten that hysterical that perhaps she needed to seek help. That she needed to talk with someone who might help her navigate these big feelings. And that she should maybe also talk to someone about how her father manipulates those feelings to get her to do what she wants (be hysterical for several hours)
It is the only time she has stood up to her parents. She was 48 when she did it. And they have never spoken about it again.
If LW doesn't stand up for herself now she will have them do this all her life. They might do it anyway, but she doesn't have to be a willing participant. She can hang up the phone and they can make each other anxious on their own.