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The columnists are nicer than I am, and more helpful too
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
This is a bit of a weird question, but I’m not sure how to ask it to anyone I know IRL. When is it developmentally appropriate for children to begin swearing? I have a 6-year-old daughter, “Sophie,” who plays chess (at a very high level for her age). She plays competitively (she has a coach and everything). I am proud of her, and I want to encourage her if this is something she wants to do, but I’ve noticed that when she makes a bad move and realizes it, she’ll often snap out, “Rats.” I don’t even really consider that cursing, but the tone and context she uses it in definitely makes me think along those lines. She’s my only child, so I don’t have much to go on except some instinct and what I see in some other people’s children, but this does seem young to be expressing frustration in this way. On the other hand, she’s already doing at least one activity that is unusual for her age, so maybe this comes with the territory. Is this something I should worry about?
—Hitting Unpleasant Milestones
Dear Hitting,
“Rats” isn’t a swear word, no matter what tone it’s used in. It is, however, a substitute for a swear word (just like “sugar,” “gosh darn it,” and “dang”), and thus a way for her to express frustration—or irritation, disappointment, or maybe even anger (with herself, it sounds like). Do you want your 6-year-old not to express those feelings? Or are you wishing for her not to feel them? Good luck with the latter. It’s impossible. Life has downs as well as ups, even for young children. As to the former: Do you want her to stifle her unpleasant feelings? To learn to express her frustration “nicely” or politely? (Like, instead of a substitute swear word: “Oh, dear, I believe I’ve made a mistake. What a pity”?) Please allow her her “rats.” (Personally, I’d allow a sotto voce actual curse word, but that’s just me. And Anne Lamott. One of my favorite anecdotes about her son Sam when he was a child involves her overhearing him say, about a broken toy, “Please, God, fix this broken goddamn car.”) Teaching a child to suppress their “bad” feelings leads to no good. Indeed, it leads to very bad.
—Michelle
Link one
*************
2. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I just held a destination wedding in Europe. We’re quite international, so friends and family flew in from across the globe.
We had regularly communicated how to use our wedding website for the schedule and other information, which also had a very clear registry tab with cash funds and physical gifts. We prefaced the registry by saying, “Your presence is enough, but if you would like to provide a gift, below are some experiences and items we’d love.”
Of the 100 attending, perhaps only 20% contributed in any fashion. (Some invitees who could not attend contributed, too.)
My wife and I were shocked at how few guests gave a gift, as our outlook would be to never attend a wedding without providing a congratulatory gift. Even for a destination wedding, the symbolism of helping the couple start the next chapter seems appropriate to us.
Are we off base for expecting more?
GENTLE READER: Oh, yes. You are expecting them not to believe that their presence -- having flown in from around the globe -- is enough, even though you told them it was.
Mind you, Miss Manners is not saying that travel expenses are sufficient payment for destination weddings. Rather, she is saying that it is unseemly to expect any payment from guests at any wedding. Your pretending that you do not expect anything, while declaring what you want to receive, is not fooling anyone.
As you made that statement about presence being enough, you should try to live up to it.
Link two
This is a bit of a weird question, but I’m not sure how to ask it to anyone I know IRL. When is it developmentally appropriate for children to begin swearing? I have a 6-year-old daughter, “Sophie,” who plays chess (at a very high level for her age). She plays competitively (she has a coach and everything). I am proud of her, and I want to encourage her if this is something she wants to do, but I’ve noticed that when she makes a bad move and realizes it, she’ll often snap out, “Rats.” I don’t even really consider that cursing, but the tone and context she uses it in definitely makes me think along those lines. She’s my only child, so I don’t have much to go on except some instinct and what I see in some other people’s children, but this does seem young to be expressing frustration in this way. On the other hand, she’s already doing at least one activity that is unusual for her age, so maybe this comes with the territory. Is this something I should worry about?
—Hitting Unpleasant Milestones
Dear Hitting,
“Rats” isn’t a swear word, no matter what tone it’s used in. It is, however, a substitute for a swear word (just like “sugar,” “gosh darn it,” and “dang”), and thus a way for her to express frustration—or irritation, disappointment, or maybe even anger (with herself, it sounds like). Do you want your 6-year-old not to express those feelings? Or are you wishing for her not to feel them? Good luck with the latter. It’s impossible. Life has downs as well as ups, even for young children. As to the former: Do you want her to stifle her unpleasant feelings? To learn to express her frustration “nicely” or politely? (Like, instead of a substitute swear word: “Oh, dear, I believe I’ve made a mistake. What a pity”?) Please allow her her “rats.” (Personally, I’d allow a sotto voce actual curse word, but that’s just me. And Anne Lamott. One of my favorite anecdotes about her son Sam when he was a child involves her overhearing him say, about a broken toy, “Please, God, fix this broken goddamn car.”) Teaching a child to suppress their “bad” feelings leads to no good. Indeed, it leads to very bad.
—Michelle
Link one
2. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I just held a destination wedding in Europe. We’re quite international, so friends and family flew in from across the globe.
We had regularly communicated how to use our wedding website for the schedule and other information, which also had a very clear registry tab with cash funds and physical gifts. We prefaced the registry by saying, “Your presence is enough, but if you would like to provide a gift, below are some experiences and items we’d love.”
Of the 100 attending, perhaps only 20% contributed in any fashion. (Some invitees who could not attend contributed, too.)
My wife and I were shocked at how few guests gave a gift, as our outlook would be to never attend a wedding without providing a congratulatory gift. Even for a destination wedding, the symbolism of helping the couple start the next chapter seems appropriate to us.
Are we off base for expecting more?
GENTLE READER: Oh, yes. You are expecting them not to believe that their presence -- having flown in from around the globe -- is enough, even though you told them it was.
Mind you, Miss Manners is not saying that travel expenses are sufficient payment for destination weddings. Rather, she is saying that it is unseemly to expect any payment from guests at any wedding. Your pretending that you do not expect anything, while declaring what you want to receive, is not fooling anyone.
As you made that statement about presence being enough, you should try to live up to it.
Link two