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Dear Care and Feeding,
My older sister was pretty awful to me growing up, and I couldn’t wait to get away from her. My parents say our fights were “typical sister drama.”
But I had to go to therapy to work through a lot of trauma because she was prone to unpredictable fits of rage and violence throughout her childhood and well into her adult life. (Example: My sister was upset she lost her honor roll pin in the grass, so she smacked me across the face with a plastic bat and knocked out two teeth.) The last time she hit me, she was in her 40s.
Despite her insisting we’re closer than we are, I’ve never wanted anything to do with my sister beyond perfunctory phone calls. She calls me (I never call her) regularly, but I only pick up every fourth or fifth time and with a prepared excuse to leave. She very much wants to paper over the past as if her violent bullying was all in good fun. She has no clue (or acts like it) that I keep her at arm’s length.
My sister got married recently, and I don’t care. But now she’s pushing for more closeness, I suspect, because his family resembles a Normal Rockwell painting and my refusal to participate as more than a wedding guest was obvious. What’s different this time is that my sister wants us to go to counseling to “work through our past and move forward together.” I’ve never wanted to “move forward” with her, and she never asked me if that’s what I wanted. I’m sure I was a horrible little sister, like she said, but I never deserved her verbal and physical abuse.
Saying no results in the typical yelling and bullying to do what my sister wants. But this time, she wants an answer, and I don’t know how to say, “No thanks, and the next time we see each other will be at one of our parent’s funerals.” I’m aware of how bad it looks for me to reject counseling in a climate that’s so desperate to normalize therapy and use it as a cure for conflicts. There’s nothing lost by estranging her. What do I do?
—Sisterly Abuse
Dear Sisterly,
You do not have to make yourself uncomfortable to ease someone else’s discomfort. Put another way, other people’s comfort is not more important than yours. So, I don’t think you need to go to family therapy—especially because therapy only works when both people give it an honest effort, anyway—but I do think you can give your sister a clear and firm answer as to why you won’t. A lot of what you wrote here is fair game to share with her. Explain that while you appreciate that she wants to work out your differences and history, it is too little too late. You’ve already spent a lot of time and energy on your own therapy to process your past, and while you wish her well, maintaining a relationship (beyond whatever level of interaction you want) is just not something you are able to do. I know it might be difficult to have this straightforward of a conversation, but it’s the shortest route to a resolution, which, to me, sounds better than months of dodging calls and evasive conversation.
You need to be prepared for her to have a large reaction, and she might try to involve your parents or other family members. Resist the urge to pull them into the drama—no good can come of that kind of “she said, she said” tug of war. The same verbiage you use with her can be shared with those ostensibly well-meaning folks, followed by a remark that the situation is between you and your sister and not up for debate.
Once that is done, maintain cordiality and take the high ground. Treat her with respect at family gatherings but do not feel you have to go out of your way to explain yourself or make amends. You cannot control other people’s reactions; you can only control your own actions. If you act with respect, you can hold your head high no matter how she responds.
—Allison
Link
My older sister was pretty awful to me growing up, and I couldn’t wait to get away from her. My parents say our fights were “typical sister drama.”
But I had to go to therapy to work through a lot of trauma because she was prone to unpredictable fits of rage and violence throughout her childhood and well into her adult life. (Example: My sister was upset she lost her honor roll pin in the grass, so she smacked me across the face with a plastic bat and knocked out two teeth.) The last time she hit me, she was in her 40s.
Despite her insisting we’re closer than we are, I’ve never wanted anything to do with my sister beyond perfunctory phone calls. She calls me (I never call her) regularly, but I only pick up every fourth or fifth time and with a prepared excuse to leave. She very much wants to paper over the past as if her violent bullying was all in good fun. She has no clue (or acts like it) that I keep her at arm’s length.
My sister got married recently, and I don’t care. But now she’s pushing for more closeness, I suspect, because his family resembles a Normal Rockwell painting and my refusal to participate as more than a wedding guest was obvious. What’s different this time is that my sister wants us to go to counseling to “work through our past and move forward together.” I’ve never wanted to “move forward” with her, and she never asked me if that’s what I wanted. I’m sure I was a horrible little sister, like she said, but I never deserved her verbal and physical abuse.
Saying no results in the typical yelling and bullying to do what my sister wants. But this time, she wants an answer, and I don’t know how to say, “No thanks, and the next time we see each other will be at one of our parent’s funerals.” I’m aware of how bad it looks for me to reject counseling in a climate that’s so desperate to normalize therapy and use it as a cure for conflicts. There’s nothing lost by estranging her. What do I do?
—Sisterly Abuse
Dear Sisterly,
You do not have to make yourself uncomfortable to ease someone else’s discomfort. Put another way, other people’s comfort is not more important than yours. So, I don’t think you need to go to family therapy—especially because therapy only works when both people give it an honest effort, anyway—but I do think you can give your sister a clear and firm answer as to why you won’t. A lot of what you wrote here is fair game to share with her. Explain that while you appreciate that she wants to work out your differences and history, it is too little too late. You’ve already spent a lot of time and energy on your own therapy to process your past, and while you wish her well, maintaining a relationship (beyond whatever level of interaction you want) is just not something you are able to do. I know it might be difficult to have this straightforward of a conversation, but it’s the shortest route to a resolution, which, to me, sounds better than months of dodging calls and evasive conversation.
You need to be prepared for her to have a large reaction, and she might try to involve your parents or other family members. Resist the urge to pull them into the drama—no good can come of that kind of “she said, she said” tug of war. The same verbiage you use with her can be shared with those ostensibly well-meaning folks, followed by a remark that the situation is between you and your sister and not up for debate.
Once that is done, maintain cordiality and take the high ground. Treat her with respect at family gatherings but do not feel you have to go out of your way to explain yourself or make amends. You cannot control other people’s reactions; you can only control your own actions. If you act with respect, you can hold your head high no matter how she responds.
—Allison
Link
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I also wish somebody had pointed out to LW that if you pick up the fifth phone call you're just training them to call you five times if they want to talk to you once. LW needs to block Sister from the phone.
The only person in this family I would give any bit of consideration for is BIL, who is now married to a volatile, abusive person with ongoing anger management issues. If LW has the stomach for it I really would suggest she write a very careful letter to BIL, forward it on to any concerned relatives, and detail every bit of abuse, making sure to be clear that this continued well into adulthood and includes many incidents that were plainly unprovoked.
But that's really not their responsibility.
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1) incredibly warped ideas of how most siblings normally interact,
2) a deep investment in denying that any abuse ever occurred, or
3) both 1 and 2.
My money is on 3.
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They seeem to imagine that it will be more final if there's an unimpeachably good reason for her actions, like everyone would go "Oh! I get it" at some level, but that isn't even that likely with non-abusers. Abusers already aren't interested in reasons, and giving them just wastes your time and gives them openings. Maybe there's some idea that they would be more likely to give up if they see she means it sincerely and seriously, like because the abuse in question is a big deal? But I think that's another thing that will only work on non-abusers.
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I wonder if the counselling thing is BiL's suggestion (or for him, to show that she is prepared to 'heal the breach').
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I wonder that too, but I doubt that he knows the depth of abuse LW suffered, and I suspect sister has dismissed the "breach" as a minor, fixable issue. If it is true that BiL is involved in the push for reconciliation, LW might want to give BiL the full story as
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You don't owe it to your family to hide their dirty laundry (the abuse you suffered at their hands). You don't owe your unrepentant abuser sister "cordiality." "Take the high ground" is silencing bullshit that only serves the abusers and enablers, and allows them to tell whatever stories they like about *you* without your side ever being heard.
I'd recommend no contact with any of these people (and stop answering the phone when she calls!), but if you can't get them out of your face, you could always start naming-and-shaming. In public. In front of people they want to present themselves as cool non-abusers to, such as your sister's in-laws. You don't have to waste a lot of energy on yelling, just matter-of-factly state that you don't associate with her because (she flew into rages and hit you a lot, you have never had a relationship with her that wasn't her bullying you, she yells and screams at you whenever you don't give her what she wants, etc.). This is a strong deterrent to future efforts to drag you into Performing Happy Family! And maybe no one will listen to you, but there's a certain satisfaction in quitting the tiptoeing around and just telling the truth, regardless of the outcome. (And then go no contact.)