agonyaunt | (no subject)

My husband was carrying our 16-year-old dog outside for a walk when the dog flinched and fell out of his arms. Her back legs were paralyzed in the fall, and given her age, the prognosis is not good. My husband feels terrible. But he can also put things out of his mind, so I feel alone in my sorrow. I fluctuate between blaming him and saying mean things (“You gave our dog a death sentence”) and knowing it was an accident (“No one meant for this to happen”). How should I handle my resentment? We are the parents of two children under 3, and we’ve been together for 14 years — so we need to keep working as a team.

WIFE

It’s hard work to maintain a healthy relationship, so I commend you for noting the sour dynamic that has begun to infiltrate yours. (We can’t fix problems until we name them.) Still, nearly every pet owner I know — and parent, too — has a scary story about an accidental dereliction: “The dog’s collar broke away from its leash.” “And then the baby rolled off the sofa.” “I didn’t lock the stroller properly.” You probably have one, too. There is no such thing as perfect caregiving!

Now, you don’t describe your husband as careless, so let’s assume he isn’t. My hunch is that the huge responsibility of two young children and a senior dog has made you (understandably) anxious about things that might go wrong. And your husband’s accident heightened your fears. You may also need more time to process your feelings than he does. Nothing wrong with that!

Discuss this issue with a close friend or a therapist. I would spare your husband any more talk about the “death sentence” he imposed until you understand why you can’t yet forgive him for an accident. And keep working on it. It’s great that you’re focusing on this problem before it becomes a crisis.

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My husband feels terrible. But he can also put things out of his mind, so I feel alone in my sorrow.

This seems like the crux of the issue. Husband feels terrible but... doesn't feel terrible enough, in LW's eyes? Isn't obsessing over it? Isn't managing LW's feelings about it in addition to his own? And this is why LW is saying horrendous things like "you gave our dog a death sentence"? (WTF???)

I don't think there's enough here to fully analyze whatever issues exist in the relationship, but I suspect this isn't really about the dog. It sounds like it's about LW not being okay with the way Husband processes feelings in general, and reacting to that by lashing out and trying to make Husband feel as bad as LW does. Therapy sounds like a good start, or at least finding someone else with whom to process grief about the dog, because I really don't see how it's going to work to do that processing with the person who inadvertently caused the dog's death.

Yeah, my reaction to LW saying even ONE thing like that example, and it sounds like more, is so appalled... I mean that already sounds like a crisis to me: they need therapy DESPERATELY. What kind of person would say something like this in a situation like this? Not any emotionally okay and stable person. I've only ever heard this kind of lashing out in person from my mom and her siblings, so, survivors of childhood abuse with untreated PTSD because they refuse to believe they need therapy. And I don't honestly think anybody should stay with a partner who lashes out at them in this way like... EVER.

You took the words right off my fingers.