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Hoping this letter is fake!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have three adult children, and I don’t know what to do about my youngest, Rita. My husband and I were educators, so we had high expectations. Our first two children excelled academically on their own. They transferred from public to private school and attended the Ivy Leagues for undergraduate and graduate school. Rita did not, and she stayed in public school for K-12, college, and graduate school.
My husband and I used a rewards system. Anytime my kids wanted something, we required a minimum 3.5 GPA. That’s how my other two kids got private school, trips abroad, tutors, sports camps, a new bicycle, etc. (Rita didn’t, specifically a tutor, because she wouldn’t meet our requirements. My husband said Rita will use any special accommodation to avoid schoolwork.) Those opportunities propelled my first two kids to marry into wealthy families and obtain lucrative jobs.
Rita did well until fourth grade. I wondered if a learning disability was present because she tried but constantly failed. My husband, her teachers, and our doctor said she was lazy and unmotivated. My therapist, who saw her too, said girls couldn’t get ADHD. My husband insisted on keeping the same rewards system for Rita, especially when she begged us to stop the bullying at school. He felt that bullying would be the ultimate motivation for her to improve, but she didn’t.
Fast-forward: Soon after Rita’s 50th birthday, she was diagnosed with ADHD. My husband and other kids don’t believe it. I’m skeptical. Rita said we punished her for behaviors she couldn’t help, and the only reason her siblings did well is because we rewarded them for being neurotypical. She says we never truly helped her. We tried to help her, but ultimately Rita was solely responsible for her achievements, just like my other two kids.
Rita’s relationship with us was already distant, and now it’s nearly non-existent. She won’t talk to her siblings. She says she should get a bigger share of her inheritance because we gave her siblings a lot of money but not her. (Although that’s true, I don’t want to punish the other two.) How can I get Rita to understand we did the best we could? I can’t change the past, and I miss my grandkids.
—We Didn’t Know!
Dear We Didn’t Know,
It never ceases to amaze me how many people seem to view it as intrinsically beneath them to admit they made a mistake and apologize to their children.
Your choices were in fact miles short of “the best you could do.” You might not have known about Rita’s ADHD when she was growing up. It’s not your fault you were given outdated, mistaken information about how girls can’t have ADHD. But you knew that your child was trying—your own words, from your letter—and still struggling. And instead of trying to see her strengths and abilities, trying to figure out how to help her, you and your husband blamed her, treated her worse than her siblings, left her at the mercy of bullies, and denied her opportunities for fun and enrichment—even a tutor who might have been able to help her study more effectively and raise the grades you cared so much about!—because you decided she was a lazy failure. I can’t imagine the damage that must have done to not only her trust in you, but also her self-esteem.
Now you’re questioning the diagnosis your daughter has received, presumably by someone qualified to give it. (It’s as if you don’t want her to have the “excuse” of a disability, though in your letter you admit that you once wondered whether she had one!) You and your husband are refusing to admit that you made serious and harmful mistakes while raising her, and are still holding what you perceive to be her “failures” against her—like not going to an Ivy League school (I’m begging you to get over yourselves) or marrying rich (marrying rich is not an accomplishment!). But it sounds as though Rita has done quite well for herself despite your appalling lack of compassion and self-awareness. She graduated from high school and went to college and grad school. She has a family of her own now. She was curious and cared enough about herself to pursue an evaluation which has yielded new and important information about how her brain works. And while you might not see her confrontation with you in a positive light, I think it points to both an admirable willingness to stand up for herself and a desire to give you one last chance. Think about it: She could have just peaced out without ever telling you why. Instead, she’s giving you an opportunity to hear why she’s angry, understand something important about her, take responsibility for your actions, and apologize.
As for the money: If Rita is in need of financial support right now, offer it; it’s the least you can do. I might put a pin in the inheritance discussion for now—I wouldn’t say no outright to what Rita is asking, because I could see a scenario in which she might really need or deserve more of the support and resources you denied her when she was a child. But it might make sense to focus on trying to address the rifts you’ve caused in your relationship (assuming that is even possible) before you dig into the inheritance question. Until you actually choose to respect and empathize with and make amends to your daughter, I don’t know how you’re going to have an honest, productive conversation about anything.
Your parenting choices have caused your daughter decades of pain. And still, you might have one last chance to be honest about your failures, show her that you want a real relationship with her, and build something new. If you pass on that opportunity because you just can’t admit you were wrong—or because you and your husband want to persist in judging your daughter for things that weren’t and aren’t her fault—I suppose that’s your choice. Just don’t be surprised if you then find yourselves fully cut off from her and your grandchildren.
Link
I have three adult children, and I don’t know what to do about my youngest, Rita. My husband and I were educators, so we had high expectations. Our first two children excelled academically on their own. They transferred from public to private school and attended the Ivy Leagues for undergraduate and graduate school. Rita did not, and she stayed in public school for K-12, college, and graduate school.
My husband and I used a rewards system. Anytime my kids wanted something, we required a minimum 3.5 GPA. That’s how my other two kids got private school, trips abroad, tutors, sports camps, a new bicycle, etc. (Rita didn’t, specifically a tutor, because she wouldn’t meet our requirements. My husband said Rita will use any special accommodation to avoid schoolwork.) Those opportunities propelled my first two kids to marry into wealthy families and obtain lucrative jobs.
Rita did well until fourth grade. I wondered if a learning disability was present because she tried but constantly failed. My husband, her teachers, and our doctor said she was lazy and unmotivated. My therapist, who saw her too, said girls couldn’t get ADHD. My husband insisted on keeping the same rewards system for Rita, especially when she begged us to stop the bullying at school. He felt that bullying would be the ultimate motivation for her to improve, but she didn’t.
Fast-forward: Soon after Rita’s 50th birthday, she was diagnosed with ADHD. My husband and other kids don’t believe it. I’m skeptical. Rita said we punished her for behaviors she couldn’t help, and the only reason her siblings did well is because we rewarded them for being neurotypical. She says we never truly helped her. We tried to help her, but ultimately Rita was solely responsible for her achievements, just like my other two kids.
Rita’s relationship with us was already distant, and now it’s nearly non-existent. She won’t talk to her siblings. She says she should get a bigger share of her inheritance because we gave her siblings a lot of money but not her. (Although that’s true, I don’t want to punish the other two.) How can I get Rita to understand we did the best we could? I can’t change the past, and I miss my grandkids.
—We Didn’t Know!
Dear We Didn’t Know,
It never ceases to amaze me how many people seem to view it as intrinsically beneath them to admit they made a mistake and apologize to their children.
Your choices were in fact miles short of “the best you could do.” You might not have known about Rita’s ADHD when she was growing up. It’s not your fault you were given outdated, mistaken information about how girls can’t have ADHD. But you knew that your child was trying—your own words, from your letter—and still struggling. And instead of trying to see her strengths and abilities, trying to figure out how to help her, you and your husband blamed her, treated her worse than her siblings, left her at the mercy of bullies, and denied her opportunities for fun and enrichment—even a tutor who might have been able to help her study more effectively and raise the grades you cared so much about!—because you decided she was a lazy failure. I can’t imagine the damage that must have done to not only her trust in you, but also her self-esteem.
Now you’re questioning the diagnosis your daughter has received, presumably by someone qualified to give it. (It’s as if you don’t want her to have the “excuse” of a disability, though in your letter you admit that you once wondered whether she had one!) You and your husband are refusing to admit that you made serious and harmful mistakes while raising her, and are still holding what you perceive to be her “failures” against her—like not going to an Ivy League school (I’m begging you to get over yourselves) or marrying rich (marrying rich is not an accomplishment!). But it sounds as though Rita has done quite well for herself despite your appalling lack of compassion and self-awareness. She graduated from high school and went to college and grad school. She has a family of her own now. She was curious and cared enough about herself to pursue an evaluation which has yielded new and important information about how her brain works. And while you might not see her confrontation with you in a positive light, I think it points to both an admirable willingness to stand up for herself and a desire to give you one last chance. Think about it: She could have just peaced out without ever telling you why. Instead, she’s giving you an opportunity to hear why she’s angry, understand something important about her, take responsibility for your actions, and apologize.
As for the money: If Rita is in need of financial support right now, offer it; it’s the least you can do. I might put a pin in the inheritance discussion for now—I wouldn’t say no outright to what Rita is asking, because I could see a scenario in which she might really need or deserve more of the support and resources you denied her when she was a child. But it might make sense to focus on trying to address the rifts you’ve caused in your relationship (assuming that is even possible) before you dig into the inheritance question. Until you actually choose to respect and empathize with and make amends to your daughter, I don’t know how you’re going to have an honest, productive conversation about anything.
Your parenting choices have caused your daughter decades of pain. And still, you might have one last chance to be honest about your failures, show her that you want a real relationship with her, and build something new. If you pass on that opportunity because you just can’t admit you were wrong—or because you and your husband want to persist in judging your daughter for things that weren’t and aren’t her fault—I suppose that’s your choice. Just don’t be surprised if you then find yourselves fully cut off from her and your grandchildren.
Link
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Rita succeeded despite her parents, not because of them. LW doesn't get to ask Rita to understand anything--LW must beg for Rita's forgiveness.
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Rita didn’t, specifically a tutor, because she wouldn’t meet our requirements -- a tutor can help kids who are having problems, since that's one of the reasons you hire a tutor in the first place. I just have no words how angry this LW is making me.
Frankly, if Rita cuts ties, especially with her siblings who seem to have been the Golden Child and the yardstick Rita was measured against and found wanting, I can't blame her.
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My parents treated me like that my whole childhood, and I see that above in how LW treated Rita. Because, LW decided, Rita was Deliberately Being Lazy, giving her the tutoring help she asked for would Reward Her Laziness. That's how LW made her cruelty to her child make sense to herself. It is of course bullshit bottom to top but at least it holds together, kinda.
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Good thing Rita didn’t get diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (AKA Fast Track To The Prison-Industrial Complex)—-although that might have been a bit too disgraceful for the sort of parents implied.
For example my father once told me proudly how when I was a baby he decided to not remove me from the church service when I cried because I'd learn I could leave the church service whenever I wanted. Mind you I was a baby. And I'm sure everyone else in church enjoyed hearing me cry. *eyeroll*
It sounds as if your father would agree with Mike Warnke’s(1) take on the subject of people disturbed by babies crying in church: “You know what that sound means? It means people are having their babies and taking them to church!“
(1) A Midwest-based evangelist/comedian whose performances consisted of ripping off the cleaner bits of George Carlin’s and Bill Cosby’s routines before abruptly Mood Whiplashing into Satanic Panic horror stories—-sacrificial dead babies galore were involved—-and passing the collection plate.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Warnke
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If my father knows about Mike Warnke he probably does enjoy his stuff, yeah. shudder
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It really sucks that you had to grow up with parents who did that.
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Thanks. wry smile
I hope Rita's okay.
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LW is still an utter dick for not getting their struggling child an academic tutor, though.
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Ptptptphptptptpht. (Yes, this was the 80s. It's still infuriating.)
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I was dx at 50, two years ago, and it's been a lot to unravel the impact on the past (best case scenario for me would have been college-age dx). But also the implications for new possibilities right now, including in my role as a parent, with deeper understanding of the examples I learned from as a child. Even and especially the orchard this apple fell into.
LW doesn't see adhd as legit enough to warrant relaxing some of their standards, even in retrospect for one child out of three, even in theory. Defending the family grading policy is key or the inherent laziness wins! Why won't she let us
scout for talent and apply targeted rewards and punishment by neglectsee our grandkids!no subject
Which might have made you too old to schlep off to ABA—-which was already an option then, having been created in the 1960’s (and every account I’ve heard of it makes me fervently grateful to have dodged that bullet—-or, rather, that it never occurred to anyone to point that particular gun in my direction.
I hope my parents wouldn’t have gone that route…)
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