Care & Feeding: My Wife Insisted We Have a Child Late in Life. I Completely Regret It.

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I tried for eight years to have kids. After that, we gave up and decided to dedicate ourselves to making the best child-free life we could. The three years that followed were really happy. Then, out of nowhere, my wife got unexpectedly pregnant. By that time, I was in my mid-40s and had grown to love our child-free life, but my wife wanted a baby so much that I went along with the pregnancy even though I had a lot of worries. It turns out my worries were founded.

I am so ashamed, but I hate parenthood. Don’t get me wrong: I love our 3-year-old son. But I feel constantly resentful of the freedom we gave up, and too old and tired to summon the energy I would have had if the parenting plan had worked out a decade ago when it was supposed to. We don’t have any family support: My wife’s parents have retired to Florida and my parents are now in an assisted living facility. We don’t have any peer-group support: Our friends’ kids are all in high school, so they’re preparing to be empty-nesters, and the other parents in our son’s preschool are literally from a different generation. I don’t know what to do. I am seeing a therapist, but can’t help but feel that the life I should be living was stolen from me. I feel guilty and horrible about this, but the feelings aren’t going away. I’m seeking encouragement, perspective—anything you can provide.

—Too Old For This

Dear Too Old,

Even parents who have children at the “ideal” time in their lives can find themselves hating parenthood. I often say that kids are great, but parenting can really suck! It’s hard, often thankless work that requires constant sacrifice. Try your best to focus on the parts of parenting that you like the best, such as when your little one hops in your lap unexpectedly for cuddle time. Enjoy as much of it as you can while also finding other outlets for joy in your life. Though your schedule is likely busy, try to carve out time to start a hobby—maybe reading novels at night brings you great pleasure. There are three of you in the house, but you don’t have to do everything as a trio. Both you and your wife deserve to have solo time regularly that doesn’t revolve around the child. If the three of you usually run errands on Saturdays, consider letting one parent handle that alone while the other one takes your son to the park. Include as much pleasure in your life as you possibly can; cook your favorite meals, enjoy a glass of wine after dinner, and do your best to make time for intimacy with your wife. You will likely find that the more fulfilled you are outside of parenting, the better you will feel when you’re spending time with your kid.

As far as support, your peers may have older children now but they had younger ones in the past; they can still offer advice or even just lend an ear when you need to complain. Also, many parents will tell you that they miss the stage of life your child is in very badly when their kids get older; you may find that some of your friends would be happy to come by and spend time with your little one, or to accompany you all to the park or to brunch. With regard to the parents at your child’s school, intergenerational friendships can be incredibly rewarding; you may be surprised how insightful some of these young parents are, or just how much you have in common with some of them.

Your child is a blessing that you once wished for. He just didn’t come on the schedule you had intended. Continue talking to your therapist about your feelings. Purchase a journal and dedicate it solely to reflecting on positive moments with your son; when things get difficult, look back on some of the great times that you’ve had together. If you haven’t thus far, be honest with your wife about how you’re struggling; she may be managing her own conflicting feelings and you all can support one another. Remember that no parent enjoys childrearing 100 percent of the time; it’s a matter of focusing on the positive moments as much as you can. Give yourself grace when you’re feeling exhausted and remember that you’re doing the best that you can.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

can’t help but feel that the life I should be living was stolen from me

Sir, has your son changed at all from the day he was born or is he still 7 pounds and going through 10 diapers a day?

What I mean by my snark is that one aspect that stands out to me about many letters complaining about parenting is that people seem to assume this most dynamic of occupations has brought them to a place where they will stay forever and ever unchangingly. One thing that amazed me about the children I used to live with was how often they changed. New developmental stages meant both pleasant and .... unpleasant ... developments, but things keep changing, and how the children and I related to each other kept changing.

It strikes me that this otherwise excellent reply could have used a reminder of that idea. I mean, in 7 or 8 years they may be able to take their little man to a fine dining restaurant or a play. Or they may not. But I kind of wish that idea were brought up, that as the kid keeps developing they may reclaim some of what they gave up when he was little, and enjoy it further in sharing it with him.

[tielan]

I'm getting "I want someone to validate me, so when I leave my wife with the kid nobody blames my ass for being selfish" vibes from this letter.

I could be wrong, of course. I hope I am. But I'm wondering if it's just me?

[azurelunatic]

Friend, you are supplied with a number of friends with kids at prime babysitting age. Would any of those children like to supplement their allowances with some sweet sweet cash in exchange for some free time for your wife and you?

[carbonel]

This entry strongly resonates with a recent post on BORU (Best of Redditor Updates), where the couple were initially fine with being child-free, but the husband's mother really wanted a grandchild. Now the husband is out of work and unhappy with his life and doesn't want to take on childcare.

The initial post is from the wife, but the husband weighs in, and his justifications make him look even worse.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1e62876/aita_forcing_my_husband_to_choose_between_divorce/

[firecat]

“my wife got unexpectedly pregnant”

He makes it sound like she was visited by the holy spirit. When I wanted to maintain my childfree status I worked to prevent such things. Birth control can fail of course but I wonder if he was making any efforts in that direction.

“I went along with the pregnancy”

Therefore I have no responsibility for it or for managing my feelings around it. Someone did it to me.

“even though I had a lot of worries. It turns out my worries were founded.”

Most people worry whether the birth parent and baby will be healthy. Why do I get the impression this guy means oh no I will have to change a diaper and/or my wife won’t want sex for a few weeks…!

[lethe1]

He is not even 50 and already feeling too old and tired, with no energy? Maybe he has an underlying medical condition.

[castiron]

LW, "everyone is a generation younger than me" is not an insurmountable barrier to friendships. Yes, it's nice to hang out with people who get all your references, but it's also good to get to know people who don't share your exact life experience.

[redbird]

It occurs to me that those parents and in-laws whose absence the LW is unhappy about are even more "literally from a different generation." and he seems to regret that. I wonder whether the part of the problem is that spending time with the parents of his son's preschool classmates would be a reminder that he's older than they are.