Two letters to Abby about people making mountains out of molehills

[conuly]

Link

1. DEAR ABBY: We have five grandchildren. All but one call me MeeMaw. I've been MeeMaw since my first grandchild was born 15 years ago. Four years ago, our third grandchild was born, and the fourth arrived the next month. This fourth grandchild was calling me MeeMaw until one day when she started calling me MeeMawMeeMaw, which my child's spouse told me "started out of the blue."

It soon became apparent this grandchild was being told to do it. This is the first grandchild for her other grandmother, who has decided she is going to be called MeeMaw and I would not be.

At first, I tried to let it go, but as time goes on, it's really bothering me. It would have been fine for us both to be MeeMaw, but I think it's wrong for someone to tell my grandchild they can't call me what I've been called for many years and what all my other grandchildren call me.

I don't want to cause problems, but this is causing me great stress. What should I do, or how can I get through this? I have been given a nickname that I didn't ask for and that I don't like. -- RENAMED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR RENAMED: Lady, you have FIVE grandchildren; the other grandmother has only ONE. If it's important to her that this child calls only her MeeMaw, be generous. Let her have the honor. It won't mean the child has less love for you. In the words of Shakespeare, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

P.S. "MeeMawMeeMaw" is quite a mouthful. It doesn't take a crystal ball to see that, in time, the kid will shorten it by one MeeMaw.

*********

2. DEAR ABBY: My daughter is graduating from college with a bachelor's degree -- a proud moment. I am divorced from her mother. Both her mother and I are invited to attend the ceremony, but she has not invited my current wife, whom she doesn't like. She has stated that she has only a limited number of tickets and wants to invite her mom's close relatives.

This has put me in an uncomfortable position, as my wife feels left out and aggrieved. I can either insist to my daughter that she has to invite my wife or I won't attend, or I can go, insisting to my wife that this is a significant moment in my daughter's life and I need to be there. What should I do? -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFLICTED: If your current wife had a hand in the demise of your marriage to your first wife, I can understand your daughter's dislike of her. If it's a personality conflict, she shouldn't be shocked that she wasn't invited.

I agree with you that your daughter's college graduation is a significant milestone. I understand why you feel the need to be there to celebrate it with her. Explain to your wife that you would like her to "be the bigger person" and send you off to the ceremony without adding to your problem. Then do what your heart tells you to do.

Comments

[conuly]

1. If you pick a fight over this all that will happen is your grandkid will think you're ridiculous. You'll drive a wedge between yourself and this child over something truly absurd. Just let it freaking go.

2. Dear LW's Wife. His daughter's graduation isn't about you, so stop trying to make it about you. Personally, I would pay good money to never go to a graduation ceremony again. Count your blessings and eat ice cream, watch some Netflix. Picking a fight over this is not gonna make his daughter like you more, and competing with his daughter over something stupid may very well cost you your marriage.

[movingfinger]

I never heard MeeMaw and PeePaw until quite recently, say the last five-ten years. Sounds like one of those regionalisms that has gotten national traction somehow.

Adults deciding and trying to enforce what they're going to be called by the grandchildren is so oddly anxious. Apparently there are people who spend a lot of time worrying about how their grandchildren will address them.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, my response to the signature was "Meemaw in New England? What?"

[full_metal_ox]

LW lives in New England; her children-in-law and grandchildren sound as if they might derive their heritage elsewhere.

I have been given a nickname that I didn't ask for and that I don't like.

In Human Behavior 101 News: that’s how nicknames overwhelmingly tend to work.

[movingfinger]

Thank you! I was thinking, well, maybe this is some regional-regionalism thing from IDK backwoods Connecticut I've never heard. It codes deep South to me? I'm too lazy to do any research just now.

(As a Yankee, our grandparents were Grandma and Grandpa Lastname. Always.)

[lunabee34]

MeeMaw is very Southern. Both my grandmothers were MeeMaw (one of them was called MawMaw by a cousin), and it's fairly common around here.

[joyeuce]

Apparently there are people who spend a lot of time worrying about how their grandchildren will address them.

My mother-in-law is one of them! My daughter is the first grandchild for her, but the fourth for my father-in-law and his second wife. Stepmother-in-law is Nana to all her other grandchildren, so is also Nana to my daughter. Mother-in-law was adamant she had to be Nana! Once my daughter could talk, both sets of grandparents on my husband's side became Nana/Grandad Firstname, and everyone seems to have coped so far.

[minoanmiss]

Is it just me or does LW 2 think his daughter is lying about the number of graduation invitations she gets? I used to run a graduation. The invites are limited. However no one was checking for them at the door ( though they might in bigger graduations)

[magid]

Depends on the school, definitely! For my college & grad school ones, the invitations were definitely checked. I think there are people doing deals for Harvard graduation invites :-)

For the place I work now, getting into the ceremony proper, they also check, although they have a huge tent set up with live streaming. I went once to that when a relative was graduating, and it was better in pretty much every way: able to actually see what was going on, ability to get up and walk around without inconveniencing anyone, a tent protecting from sun or rain, plus snacks.

[mrissa]

Oh, my nibling's graduation this spring was one where they absolutely did check tickets.

[laurajv]

I am wondering if "her mom's close relatives" is code for "her half-siblings from mom's second marriage" and/or "LW's former MIL/FIL, to whom daughter is close", and that LW is phrasing it that way to make it seem like daughter is unreasonably favoring her mother.

[feldman]

Yeah, that phrasing is trying to equate said relatives with her dad's current next of kin who feels snubbed -- as if they aren't also daughter's relatives whom she's presumably known longer plus actually likes.

[joyeuce]

Is anyone else having trouble not saying "Mee-maw, mee-maw" like a siren? Or is "nee-naw" not how a siren would be transliterated in the US?

[conuly]

Very much not how a siren is transliterated here.

[azurelunatic]

Dear Abby,

Bold of you to suggest the nickname a small(ish?) child will inevitably make out of a doubled title. I predict MeeMee, since MawMaw is too close to Mama.

Dear Renamed,

My grandfather and my dad both got very much not the titles they'd been asking for, but they both lived with it. The important thing here is: the child is addressing you with affection and delight. Don't blow it.