More issues than a comic book....

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a wonderful woman for 27 happy years until she passed last year. We did everything together. Now I feel lonely and depressed. We had a sweet furry guy named Maxx who was our whole world. I lost Maxx a few months ago, and I am devastated.

I'm a very hardworking man. After losing my family, I feel lifeless -- like the life has been sucked out of my body. My co-workers tell me I need to start dating and move on. It's not that easy. Is this normal?

I have been attending grief therapy, but it doesn't seem to be working. I tried joining a dating site but it's a disaster out there. Most of the women are gold diggers or interested only in hookups. I like only curvy ladies. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone intelligent or reasonable. What do you suggest? -- OUT OF SORTS IN OREGON

DEAR OUT OF SORTS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear wife. I'm sure she is irreplaceable. Losing Maxx, your emotional support furry friend, has only added to your loss. Because the grief counseling you have been getting hasn't helped, it may be time to find another therapist. Do not begin dating until you are stronger emotionally.

If you are contacting only "curvy ladies" for their looks, it may be why you are finding "gold diggers or women interested only in hookups." You will meet women who are intelligent and reasonable once you start looking specifically for ladies who have those qualities. Once you do, you may be surprised to find some of them are curvy. But, please, make "curvy" the third item on your list.

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Comments

[conuly]

I'm going to separate this into three categories - LW's grief, LW's coworkers, and LW's dating life.

LW's grief - if his grief is affecting his ability to function and it's been going on for a year then it may be time to consider medication, and yes, a different therapist. LW should bring both those things up at his next appointment. I don't know if he needs medication, but I do know that there aren't enough psychiatrists to go around, so he'll definitely want to get that referral now.

LW's coworkers clearly mean well, but lots of people are not ready to start dating just one year after the death of their spouse of nearly three decades. They need to mind their own business.

Which brings us to the dating. I wonder what LW's dearly departed wife would think about his dating criteria boiling down strictly to body type. He probably would have more thoughts about the personality of a new pet than he seems to have over a girlfriend - and I'm not even addressing the ick of "golddiggers and hookups". LW needs to talk to his therapist or somebody about his negative ideas about women, and no dating until he sorts this out.

[movingfinger]

A year of grief on losing a spouse and beloved pet does not seem excessive.

I wonder whether his coworkers could be egging him on to swipe on dating site listings... they need to mind their own business.

[conuly]

A year of grief on losing a spouse and beloved pet does not seem excessive.

Maybe, maybe not. It depends on exactly how bad it is. OP clearly thinks it's pretty bad. Again, I don't know if OP needs medication or whatever, but I do know that those waiting lists are no joke. Better to get on one now and maybe you don't need it by the time your appointment rolls around than to wait and then have to wait even longer.

[ioplokon]

Lots going on here... LW is probably not actually ready to date again & is possibly putting down potential matches because he is looking for an excuse not to keep dating them. However, his criteria are also pretty superficial and dating apps are kinda crappy a lot of the time. Plus, though it's probably less of an issue as people get older, a lot of people just... don't really want to get into a serious relationship with someone who is in LW's situation, where the grief is still fresh, which might tip the balance more towards people seeking hookups or more casual arrangements.

For LW, I'd say, focus on building a life for yourself and look to dating when you feel ready, to supplement your life rather than create it out of nothing.

[full_metal_ox]

Your grief for sweet furry Maxx is one obvious place to begin: consider volunteering at animal shelters, with an initial focus on the well-being and actual needs of the animals rather than finding a successor to Maxx. (You won’t find a replacement, and that’s an unfair expectation to place on the animal.)

And how’s your basic care and maintenance going? Did you learn only half the skills of household management? (A lot of widowers, particularly older, are forced to confront the fact that they never learned to cook, clean, or organize a social calendar—-you speak of co-workers, but not of friends, which is something else you could do with.)

[firecat]

I like the suggestion to volunteer for animal shelters. Lots of women volunteer.
High likelihood of ending up living with a multitude of cats if he dates those women though.

[tielan]

1. 27 years which he describes as happy and it's only a year later? WTF? Yeah, nah, he's not going to get over that in a year.

2. His "co-workers" are telling him? Cripes, no. He needs friends. FRIENDS. People to hang out with who actually care about him. The problem isn't that he's single, the problem is that he's lonely (and probably depressed).

3. Medication and therapy. Definitely needed at the minimum. There's some stuff to unpack for sure.

4. It's possible for het guys to survive single, just...not likely. But in the current market of apps I sincerely doubt he's going to meet a woman he can spend, say, another 27 years with. My recommendation would be to join groups and clubs and activities and invest in the relationships (friendships, non-sexual) there. Maybe something will come out of it, maybe not. But at the least he will have people to connect with.

[magid]

+1

And consider whether a new pet would help, rather than starting with dating.

[tielan]

Oh golly yes.

[firecat]

Doesn’t change the advice the guy needs, but if I’m reading “I only like curvy ladies” right, Abby is overlooking something. If he means “fat women,” then he likely made a point of saying it because his co-workers are mocking him for his sexual orientation. Het men attracted exclusively to fat women are stigmatized. There is plenty of fat positivity/fat activism out here. But it’s not to be found by swiping on tinder.

[azurelunatic]

If he's fat himself, he should be joining fat people activity groups, rather than looking at dating sites. It'll get him out amongst people, and he'll have his best chance for meeting friends he likes the looks of.

[azurelunatic]

Oh, oh no.

If he's ultimately looking for intelligent, and he wants to have more than just home and work, he should be going to hobbies that tend to attract intelligent and reasonable people. I can think of board games and book clubs and fandom for intelligence magnets. If he starts cultivating a wide acquaintance now, by the time he's ready to maybe start actually dating he'll have some friends who might have lonely, lovely, curvy lady friends.