agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I met this man online a year and a half ago. We have been together ever since. There is a serious problem with him watching porn. When we met, I knew he was doing it when I was not with him. He knows I'm not happy about it, and he tried for a while to keep it hidden from me. More recently, he would watch it and then want to come get cozy with me.

When I tell him it's a complete turnoff for me, he gets upset and tells me I need to see a therapist to get over it. I told him he should get help if he expects to have a relationship with any woman. I think he's obsessed with pornography. Am I overreacting?

I'm beginning to feel like it is more important for him to watch porn than spend time with me. I do love him and very much want to be with him, but I can't seem to get over this. Help, please. -- DEAL-BREAKER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DEAL-BREAKER: I wish you had mentioned what KIND of porn your boyfriend watches. Many men (and women) watch it because it helps them to become aroused. Some couples watch it together. Your boyfriend's suggestion that this should be discussed with a therapist was actually a good one. However, I'm suggesting that the two of you visit the therapist together. If you do, it may be educational and save your relationship.

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Here's Abby answering the wrong question.

The problem in LW's relationship is not the porn, the problem is that the two of them don't respect or trust each other. She tells him she doesn't like him watching porn and he says she needs therapy. He asks her to watch with him and she says that no woman would ever like that and that he's obsessed. I have no idea if he's obsessed or not, but I do know that she'd say that if he watched 15 minutes once a month.

Pornography is obviously a dealbreaker for both of them, and they clearly don't like or respect each other enough to get past it, on either side. They don't need therapy to save the relationship, they both need to make a clean break and find somebody else they're more compatible with.

This is true but I kind of want them to stay together and not inflict themselves on other people. (To oversimplify I really disagree with the idea of all pornography as categorically reprehensible. Which doesn’t mean I think he’s in the right)

If they stay together too much, they might inflict themselves on a kid, which would definitely be worse. Imagine overhearing your parents arguing about porn. *shudder*

(Also, he doesn't necessarily sound like a prize, but I sure don't trust LW's narrative)

AUGHHGHGHGHG good poitn I do not want these people to have care of any living thing between them.

Because if they had so much as a dog, they might be tempted to work out shared custody of the dog, and that will leave them in each other's misery for longer.

(There was some Captain Awkward thing about shared custody of pets in, I think, 2017; just in time for me to emit a "don't you even dare" at my partner, who was still in the divorce-equivalent process with their ex. They would have thought shared custody of the shared cats to be reasonable, otherwise!)

Hand NOT in unlovable hand.

( https://themountaingoats.fandom.com/wiki/No_Children )