Inaugural Ask Eric column, two letters:

[conuly]

1. Dear Eric: My youngest son (my baby!) had a horrible breakup last year. I still hate her and sob-yelled during an Alanis Morissette concert to “You Oughta Know.” Yes, I sob-yelled in public. Cue shame. And righteousness. Hate is powerful. Said son is adorable, nice, has a great job that he loves, etc. Yet, he won’t date.

Let’s be clear. I need grandchildren from this boy. He’s the best one of the bunch (don’t tell the others). How do I encourage him to get out there without actually saying those words? Or do I just adopt more cats as my grandchildren?
— Morose Mom

Mom: Cats. As I vividly recall from the Morissette-fueled sob-yell periods of my youth, the chorus of “You Oughta Know” includes the line “I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.” Alanis would no doubt remind us that getting over any breakup, particularly a horrible one, can be a long, grueling experience.

There’s a rule of thumb that posits it takes half the length of a relationship to get over the end of said relationship. But don’t go running to your calendar to circle some due date in your son’s future. His mileage will vary. This process is his own to create and he is currently taking the time he needs to heal. You know how hard it was for you to get over the breakup — indeed, it seems like you’re still working through it — so imagine what a mess he’s left cleaning up in his own heart and psyche. The last thing you want is for him to jump into a rebound relationship and start having babies.

You clearly have a lot of compassion for your son, which is wonderful. But be careful not to slide into codependent tendencies. The breakup may hurt you but it's still his breakup. Tread carefully and keep your comments in the supportive, rather than prescriptive, range. No mom wants to see their child go through heartbreak, but you're not going to help him gain the emotional strength needed to jump back into the dating pool by pressuring him.

************

2. Dear Eric: I am 67 years old and have kept a daily diary since I was 15. I grew up in the ’70s and things were, shall we say, a little crazy (sex, drugs and rock-and-roll, as experienced by a woman who went to a parochial school and wasn’t exactly a model of obedience). Times were different.

Now, I wonder what to do with all of these volumes of my life. I'm married, but we have no children and no relatives that I would even remotely consider entrusting the good, bad and ugly of my/our lives to. I feel as though they have historical meaning, perhaps significant to some entity, but finding that entity has been problematic. Any suggestions?

It has become such an ingrained part of my life to write every day that I would find it difficult to just stop, but if all of them are destined to end up in a landfill somewhere, I might have to make some hard choices. Incidentally, I’m seriously optimistic that I have at least a couple more decades of diaries left to write, if I do continue.

— Daily Diarist

Diarist: What a beautiful gift you’ve given yourself. Please, don’t stop even if you haven’t found a historian or museum that might want your diaries, yet. Years back, I worked with an organization called SAGE, which collects oral histories from LGBTQ+ elders relating to their experiences in housing. Our goal was to find anecdotal evidence of housing discrimination to help inform policymaking, but the best way to do that was to simply ask people to reflect on their past and tell stories. It was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life and helped me to see my own future much differently. None of us know the impact that our stories will have.

In the future, you may want to redact the spicier parts of the diaries and talk to a community organization, historian, or even a local theater company about making a donation they can use to create something new. Consider reaching out to local history departments to see if they have any grad students focusing on times you have an insight into. Talk about your diary practice with friends, relatives, and acquaintances. Tell them what this practice has meant to you and what you’ve learned. By sharing this part of your life and letting people know the diaries exist, you may spark ideas in others. At the very least, you will likely inspire others to think about their own lives and the value of recording them. Your diaries can start doing good in the world even before they leave your grasp.

Link

Comments

[conuly]

LW1: OMG. I hope you were trying to be humorous, but... wow. Even then, just... no, none of what you wrote is okay.

LW2: There has got to be a historical society or some offbeat diaries collector who will gladly take your writings. (And yes, there are definitely people who collect old diaries just like there are people who collect vintage photographs.) But in the meantime you should also scan them in somewhere, because two copies are better than one, even on the internet.

[oursin]

LW2 I don't know (assuming they are in US) whether there's any collection over there similar to Mass Observation in the UK, which besides the formal diaries kept by participants and responses to directives does, as I recall, take in other diaries. Also the various women's libraries up and down the country have similar sorts of material.

(And do not redact the 'spicier parts'!!!)

[petrea_mitchell]

(And do not redact the 'spicier parts'!!!)

Yes!!

[topaz_eyes]

Re LW1: Let’s be clear. I need grandchildren from this boy. With this attitude re your son, are you sure your attitude towards GF wasn't part of the breakup? Wow.

[matsushima]

If they didn't break up over it now, they would've broken up about it later! Yikes!!

[tielan]

LW1 is giving off "hashtag boymom" vibes, somewhat rather stronger than Alanis' grief and rage in YOK.

LW2...I have to say, if I wanted to dispose of diaries, I'd shred and compost them. Or leave instructions for them to be shredded and composted.

[dissectionist]

LW1:

Your child is not a babymaker for you.

Your child is not a babymaker for you.

YOUR CHILD IS NOT A BABYMAKER FOR YOU.

[conuly]

But what if I really need a baby?

[full_metal_ox]

You’ll find one right there in the mirror.

[conuly]

No, it’s just me.

[dissectionist]

I laughed.

And also:

glitter maker

[Image description: glittery, sparkly animated text that says “your child is not a babymaker for you.”>

[conuly]

Oh, how I miss marquee and sparkle.

[full_metal_ox]

(Image description: an old-school Geocities banner reading “OH HOW I MISS MARQUEE AND SPARKLE”, in Barbie-pink text on a white ground, framed by a pink-and-lavender dashed marquee border and flanked by images of Sanrio characters My Melody (a white rabbit in a pink hoodie with a white flower, exuding sparkly hearts) and Kuromi (a white rabbit in a black hoodie, exuding sparkly skulls, crosses, and pitchforks.)

From a customizable template at https://blinkies.cafe.

[lilysea]

Let’s be clear. I need grandchildren from this boy

So, LW, what's your plan if your son meets someone tomorrow that makes him rapturously happy, but who can't have children due to infertility or medical issues?

A different scenario: What's your plan if your son decides HE JUST DOESN'T WANT CHILDREN?

[full_metal_ox]

There’s another point in Letter #1 that no one (including Eric) has yet addressed:

I need grandchildren from this boy. He’s the best one of the bunch (don’t tell the others).

Which is to say that she has at least two other children (and possible theoretical grandchild sources—-insufficient data), but has picked her her youngest as not only the Golden Child but the Designated Breeding Stud, and how dare he not cooperate ASAP?

(don’t tell the others).

Breaking news: the fact that Mom has an anointed favorite is a pretty danged hard secret to keep from her kids. (And what might be the unfavorites’ sides of this story?)

[conuly]

Although it does seem to me that often if any child is unaware of the status quo it's the Golden Child. Which really seems to me to be a double whammy of suck - your relationship with your parents isn't actually any better than your siblings' relationship with them even if it looks that way from the outside, and also, your siblings don't like you and if they never explain why you don't know.

[ashbet]

LW1 really needs to practice some detachment -- she is uncomfortably entangled in her son's romantic life, and it is NOT healthy.

Like, this is pretty clearly a "seek help" situation, because her son is not being parented appropriately. (It's unclear how old he is -- late teens, early twenties, I'm guessing?)

The Alanis Morrissette thing is . . . verging on incestuous, especially when you think about the lyrics of the song. (And I *like* that song!)

[azurelunatic]

LW1: CATS. While a group of cats has the potential to embody all SORTS of drama, it's a better investment of your time than closely monitoring your son's love life. You will be there to remind him that this ex is an ex for a reason if she ever decides to beg him to take her back. You should also think about talking to a therapist about some of the possibilities for the future, such as if there are no grandchildren, or -- perish the thought -- if marriage and children might manage to distance your beloved son from you, for some unconscionable and unknowable reason.


I hope everyone here can sense the sarcasm in my tone, or dare we even say, the irony.