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The advice is fine, but I'm giving the parents a side-eye
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
How do you get kids to be more responsible? I have twin 13-year-olds, a boy and a girl. They are very sweet kids and get along really well with each other. They have a hard time making friends but have a small group of friends they are very attached to.
The trouble is: They’re both very, very irresponsible with the things they have. My son will tell me that he doesn’t have motivation to work on any assignments until the last minute. Even when I didn’t allow him to do fun stuff until his homework was done, he’d spend all day lounging around doing nothing and only start to work on his homework close to bedtime. His homework doesn’t always get done either—he is really good at doing the homework for the classes he enjoys, but not for the classes he doesn’t like (e.g., even though he isn’t bad at math, he’ll rarely if ever do his math homework). My daughter’s laundry hamper broke a few days ago, so we ordered a new one, but she’s been using a trash bag in the meantime. She did laundry over the weekend, absent-mindedly putting the trash bag in the washing machine, too (luckily she realized before she put it in the dryer).My daughter in general gets very upset when certain things are messy or dirty, like her school bag, but in other aspects any sort of cleaning or organization are impossible for her. My son, for the most part, is not very well organized, to his detriment. My kids struggle with things that aren’t a problem for other kids their age—my sister’s kids were able to clean their rooms or do the laundry or their homework at that age with no real issues. What can I do?
—Rising to Responsibility
Dear Rising to Responsibility,
This might not just be a question of “responsibility” or lack thereof—you said it yourself; your kids routinely struggle to do things that others their age don’t seem to. I think it’s worth having both of them evaluated for attention issues as soon as you can. With more information, you can better understand what’s going on and get them additional support if they need it.
Whether or not one or both of your children have ADHD, they seem to find many tasks kind of overwhelming. It’s worth thinking about how you can help break some of those tasks down into smaller or more manageable tasks—so instead of saying, “Your room is a disaster, clean it up,” help them identify exactly what that would consist of: putting dirty clothes in the hamper; putting clean clothes away; throwing away any trash; etc. Instead of asking, “Did you do your homework?” find out exactly what needs to be done today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, etc., and help them make a plan or list of assignments, due dates, and tests to study for. If it’s hard for them to identify and then do everything they need to do at once, let them focus on one thing at a time. Be patient with them and encourage them to be patient with themselves.
You’ve identified some things that are harder for your kids, which is fair. Also be aware of their strengths, and make sure they are, too. Recognize when they’ve accomplished something, especially something they had to work hard at, and praise them for it. Don’t blame them if they need more practice, more structure, or more help than some of their peers in order to complete certain tasks, and try not to view their struggles or mistakes as personal failings. We all get overwhelmed or procrastinate or just mess up sometimes. Your kids are only 13—they’re going to keep growing and learning and developing; they won’t always be just as they are right now. Your support and understanding along the way will be key in helping them believe in themselves and grow in maturity and independence.
Link one
*****************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old daughter who just finished 6th grade. At her school, they’re only allowed to wear natural nail polish colors in 6th and 7th grades (i.e., shades close to their own skin tone). Now that school is out, she’s begging to get fake nails or at least some press-on nails with fancy, colorful designs. I’ve offered to paint her nails any color she likes. I bought her a manicure kit and a bunch of fun polish colors. I even offered to take her to a salon to get her nails polished. She insists that she wants long, fake nails. We cannot discuss this calmly with each other. I think she’s too young for long, fake nails, and I think the designs she’s drawn to are highly impractical (and kind of trashy? I think that’s the wrong word, and it’s highly charged, I know, but they’re really ugly). I’m trying to be understanding and support the things she’s into, but I’m kind of at a loss here. Do I just let her do this and bite my tongue? Do I tell her this isn’t age-appropriate and stick to my guns? I have lost all perspective.
—Nail-Biting
Dear Biting,
Oh, 12 is rough. I feel your pain and your loss of perspective. (We lose perspective because theirs has so suddenly shifted! A minute ago, they were playing let’s pretend; now they want stiletto nails. I remember my own kid at that age wanting stiletto heels. And to wear a strapless gown to a big party I was throwing.)
Here’s what I figure: If you let her have insanely long (not to mention hideous) nails once, she will quickly tire of how impractical they are. For one thing, it will be hard for her to use her phone. It will be impossible to pop open a can. Etc. But you know what? Even if she doesn’t mind the loss of dexterity and convinces herself that the beauty (and grownupness) of coffin-shaped long nails more than makes up for the inconvenience of them—well, so what? This dress-up game will come to a halt when school starts again (hmm, I wonder how much fun she’ll have playing in a pool or at the beach this summer with super-long nails). I would certainly not pay for salon acrylics; go for the press-ons. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re ugly (or even “trashy”). If you can, try to remain neutral about this. They’re her hands, after all.
Alas, it’s time to start picking your battles (and, indeed, choosing what to think of as a battle)—because this is just the start of a long string of them if you let yourself get pulled in. Step back from the heightened emotions around tweenagehood. Identify the crucial issues—the ones having to do with her health, safety, and well-being—and don’t sweat the small(er) stuff. (In the end, I did let my 12-year-old wear a long strapless dress to my 50th birthday party—we had to take it to a tailor for a footlong hem, as I recall—but I said no to the stilettos, for fear she’d fall and break an ankle.) Good luck to you. The next couple of years will be hard on both of you. But you will have a softer landing on each new and different challenge if you ask yourself this simple question: Why does this matter to me? If the answer is “because it puts her in danger,” take a stand. If it’s “because I just don’t like it,” or “because I wouldn’t have been allowed to,” or, “because I’m afraid other parents will judge me for it,” or even “because it’s so not how I raised her!” (I still wince to recall that I refused to let my daughter shave her legs when all the other girls in her class were doing so, not only because I deemed her too young, but because I was determined to raise a feminist—which I did, regardless, and which had nothing to do with shaved or unshaved legs), maybe just sit down.
Link two
How do you get kids to be more responsible? I have twin 13-year-olds, a boy and a girl. They are very sweet kids and get along really well with each other. They have a hard time making friends but have a small group of friends they are very attached to.
The trouble is: They’re both very, very irresponsible with the things they have. My son will tell me that he doesn’t have motivation to work on any assignments until the last minute. Even when I didn’t allow him to do fun stuff until his homework was done, he’d spend all day lounging around doing nothing and only start to work on his homework close to bedtime. His homework doesn’t always get done either—he is really good at doing the homework for the classes he enjoys, but not for the classes he doesn’t like (e.g., even though he isn’t bad at math, he’ll rarely if ever do his math homework). My daughter’s laundry hamper broke a few days ago, so we ordered a new one, but she’s been using a trash bag in the meantime. She did laundry over the weekend, absent-mindedly putting the trash bag in the washing machine, too (luckily she realized before she put it in the dryer).My daughter in general gets very upset when certain things are messy or dirty, like her school bag, but in other aspects any sort of cleaning or organization are impossible for her. My son, for the most part, is not very well organized, to his detriment. My kids struggle with things that aren’t a problem for other kids their age—my sister’s kids were able to clean their rooms or do the laundry or their homework at that age with no real issues. What can I do?
—Rising to Responsibility
Dear Rising to Responsibility,
This might not just be a question of “responsibility” or lack thereof—you said it yourself; your kids routinely struggle to do things that others their age don’t seem to. I think it’s worth having both of them evaluated for attention issues as soon as you can. With more information, you can better understand what’s going on and get them additional support if they need it.
Whether or not one or both of your children have ADHD, they seem to find many tasks kind of overwhelming. It’s worth thinking about how you can help break some of those tasks down into smaller or more manageable tasks—so instead of saying, “Your room is a disaster, clean it up,” help them identify exactly what that would consist of: putting dirty clothes in the hamper; putting clean clothes away; throwing away any trash; etc. Instead of asking, “Did you do your homework?” find out exactly what needs to be done today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, etc., and help them make a plan or list of assignments, due dates, and tests to study for. If it’s hard for them to identify and then do everything they need to do at once, let them focus on one thing at a time. Be patient with them and encourage them to be patient with themselves.
You’ve identified some things that are harder for your kids, which is fair. Also be aware of their strengths, and make sure they are, too. Recognize when they’ve accomplished something, especially something they had to work hard at, and praise them for it. Don’t blame them if they need more practice, more structure, or more help than some of their peers in order to complete certain tasks, and try not to view their struggles or mistakes as personal failings. We all get overwhelmed or procrastinate or just mess up sometimes. Your kids are only 13—they’re going to keep growing and learning and developing; they won’t always be just as they are right now. Your support and understanding along the way will be key in helping them believe in themselves and grow in maturity and independence.
Link one
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old daughter who just finished 6th grade. At her school, they’re only allowed to wear natural nail polish colors in 6th and 7th grades (i.e., shades close to their own skin tone). Now that school is out, she’s begging to get fake nails or at least some press-on nails with fancy, colorful designs. I’ve offered to paint her nails any color she likes. I bought her a manicure kit and a bunch of fun polish colors. I even offered to take her to a salon to get her nails polished. She insists that she wants long, fake nails. We cannot discuss this calmly with each other. I think she’s too young for long, fake nails, and I think the designs she’s drawn to are highly impractical (and kind of trashy? I think that’s the wrong word, and it’s highly charged, I know, but they’re really ugly). I’m trying to be understanding and support the things she’s into, but I’m kind of at a loss here. Do I just let her do this and bite my tongue? Do I tell her this isn’t age-appropriate and stick to my guns? I have lost all perspective.
—Nail-Biting
Dear Biting,
Oh, 12 is rough. I feel your pain and your loss of perspective. (We lose perspective because theirs has so suddenly shifted! A minute ago, they were playing let’s pretend; now they want stiletto nails. I remember my own kid at that age wanting stiletto heels. And to wear a strapless gown to a big party I was throwing.)
Here’s what I figure: If you let her have insanely long (not to mention hideous) nails once, she will quickly tire of how impractical they are. For one thing, it will be hard for her to use her phone. It will be impossible to pop open a can. Etc. But you know what? Even if she doesn’t mind the loss of dexterity and convinces herself that the beauty (and grownupness) of coffin-shaped long nails more than makes up for the inconvenience of them—well, so what? This dress-up game will come to a halt when school starts again (hmm, I wonder how much fun she’ll have playing in a pool or at the beach this summer with super-long nails). I would certainly not pay for salon acrylics; go for the press-ons. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re ugly (or even “trashy”). If you can, try to remain neutral about this. They’re her hands, after all.
Alas, it’s time to start picking your battles (and, indeed, choosing what to think of as a battle)—because this is just the start of a long string of them if you let yourself get pulled in. Step back from the heightened emotions around tweenagehood. Identify the crucial issues—the ones having to do with her health, safety, and well-being—and don’t sweat the small(er) stuff. (In the end, I did let my 12-year-old wear a long strapless dress to my 50th birthday party—we had to take it to a tailor for a footlong hem, as I recall—but I said no to the stilettos, for fear she’d fall and break an ankle.) Good luck to you. The next couple of years will be hard on both of you. But you will have a softer landing on each new and different challenge if you ask yourself this simple question: Why does this matter to me? If the answer is “because it puts her in danger,” take a stand. If it’s “because I just don’t like it,” or “because I wouldn’t have been allowed to,” or, “because I’m afraid other parents will judge me for it,” or even “because it’s so not how I raised her!” (I still wince to recall that I refused to let my daughter shave her legs when all the other girls in her class were doing so, not only because I deemed her too young, but because I was determined to raise a feminist—which I did, regardless, and which had nothing to do with shaved or unshaved legs), maybe just sit down.
Link two
no subject
2. I had one personal rule when the niblings were little, and it is "don't sweat the small stuff, you only undermine yourself when you do". By the time the kids are in their double digits they are too big to manhandle. If you don't intend to be an abusive parent then you need to cultivate your parental authority - but if you squander it all on dumb shit like "I don't want you spending your allowance on fake nails because it's tacky" then you won't have any of it left for stuff like "No, I don't care if everybody else is allowed to go biking without a helmet, the law says you still have to wear it and I agree with the law".
I'm not saying that you can't have any ridiculous rules that boil down to "Look, you just can't" but... you gotta judge those rules carefully, because you only get so many before your kids decide to stop listening to you altogether.
no subject
For the nails, I'm not real sure why longer nails are more Grown Up, but there are enough different lengths that you could probably compromise. And am I right in remembering that they make some for kids that have weaker glue, so they're easier to remove? That could also be an option...
no subject
Hey, two pieces of good advice for two letters! Mirabile visu!
no subject
I agree that the second parent really needs to pick their battles – if the school is nitpicking to the level of nail polish colors, what the hell is the harm of letting your kid express herself outside of school?
This is really a non-issue, and I hope parent lightens up about it.
no subject
In the meantime---she has all summer! Why not...grow out the real nails? How long is long enough? She can use decals and good polish and practice manicures while she does it. Give her a special protein smoothie every day for her nails, buy a good moisturizer, make sure she wears gloves to do any dishwashing or cleaning jobs, and she may be able to grow out strong, attractive real nails.
no subject
(This is what I did with a slightly older teen who wanted a pierced lip. Worked great. Ten years later that and all subsequent piercings are still there and have never been seriously infected.)
no subject