agonyaunt | LW, do not have children with this dude.

Dear Prudence,

My mom was from another country and gave me her last name and a traditional one from her culture. She died when I was 4 and I was handed off to my father and his new wife who did everything they could to scrub the “stain” of my mother off me. I have vivid memories of getting scolded for speaking in my mother’s native tongue as it was bad and wrong. Worst of all, when his wife adopted me, they changed my name completely. And I don’t mean they Americanized it—like Agnieszka to Agnes, but rather like Sakura to Ashley. My father’s wife was only interested in me as a doll to play house with until my sister and brother were born when I was in middle school. Then I was an afterthought when I was thought of at all.

In college, I made an effort to take back what was stolen from me. I relearned my native tongue, learned to cook traditional food, and converted religions. I also legally changed my name back and didn’t tell my family until I graduated. My father and his wife acted hurt, confused, and just shocked. It was a huge slap in their faces according to them. This has left a serious on-again and off-again estrangement. When they use my old name, I hang up and don’t speak to them. I have left visits midway when they disrespect me or disregard my wishes. This has caused a lot of conflict with my paternal side including my grandmother and aunt that I am close to. They think what my father and his wife did was a “mistake” but that I was taking things too far. This has left me bereft of a strong support system which is why this fight with my boyfriend has me freaked out.

I love him. We are talking about marriage. I am willing to take his last name, but I want any kids we have to have traditional names from my culture. And there is a lot of overlap with very popular baby names! Think Anya, Anna, Mari, or Ren. Or we could find the local equivalent to name them after a relative. My boyfriend says I am basically hijacking any of our future children by doing this and I need to stop acting on my culture. He later apologized for the remark but it still has my nerves jangling. He has always been in my corner when my family acts like I am crazy and now he is treating me like I am. Is this a hill to die on?

—Always an Exile

Dear Always an Exile,

I do think it’s a hill to die on! Let me explain: By being in a relationship with someone whose instinct is to be dismissive and disrespectful toward the culture that means so much to you, you have recreated the exact dynamic you dealt with growing up. I wonder if this feels familiar and therefore, kind of comfortable, even as it hurts you. If so, you wouldn’t be the first person to fall into that kind of pattern, choosing a romantic partner who stirs up bad childhood feelings. But I want better for you. You deserve a spouse who not only accepts your connection to your culture, but embraces it so enthusiastically that your wounds begin to heal. It’s not this guy. You’re better off alone (as scary as I know that is) than with one more person who makes you feel crazy.

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If LW is lacking a strong support network then it's time to see if she can make one that's not dependent on her partner. Maybe she can reconnect with her mother's family or with cultural organizations for her mother's country, or maybe she can just get a hobby and find new friends that way, or if all else fails there's definitely IRL and online support groups for people with crappy families.

But what LW should not do is shackle herself to this guy. This relationship is going nowhere.

"Taking things too far"? These people are terrible! Arguably worse than the father and stepmother, if they say this in spite of understanding why what they did was wrong.

And she should dump the guy. That attitude to anything that important to your partner, or to their plans for future children, is unequivocally shitty.