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Dear Care and Feeding,
My older half-sister never forgave our dad for having the audacity to remarry and have me. Her parents divorced when she was a baby; we are nine years apart.
I have vivid memories of her pinching me and pulling my hair when I was small. I used to hide in my parents’ room when she came over. I remember being 10 and screaming at our father that my “sister” wished my mother and I were dead, that she thought the world would be better off for it. My parents would later excuse my sister’s behavior as the result of her mother’s mental illness and abusiveness to her. Well, apparently that runs in the family. My half-sister spent my teens and early 20s doing a lot of drugs; she spent some time in prison. The only time she seemed to want anything to do with us was when she wanted to try and weasel money out of our father. The stress nearly ended my parents’ marriage.
Now it seems that she has sobered up and found God. She has been talking to our father and he is very eager to “make us a real family finally.” I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want to have anything to do with her. She is a stranger who happens to share some of my DNA. I love my father, but his other daughter had years and years to make any moves toward being my sister. That ship has sailed and sunk. How do I tell him that when he wants so badly for me to be a part of his repaired relationship with her?
—Only Child
Dear Child,
If you don’t want to have anything to do with her, you don’t have to. You can tell your father that you can’t forgive her, that your past with her is just too painful, and that your childhood was profoundly affected by her rage. You can mention that you hope he’ll understand.
But I’m wondering whether, for your own sake as much as your father’s and sister’s, you might search for some forgiveness. The rage you’re carrying is a source of pain for you, and forgiveness (as it’s often been said) is a gift to the forgiver far more than to the one forgiven. It can free you from “the corrosive anger” that is doing you harm. You note that your parents “excused” your sister’s bad behavior by pointing to her mother’s mental illness and the abuse she suffered at her hands. That’s not an excuse; it’s a reason. Although recognizing what your sister was contending with—and allowing yourself to consider what it might have felt like for her to visit her father in his new home, with his new family (and especially his new daughter, whom she might well have thought of as her replacement daughter), then returning to her troubled home—doesn’t mean you have to invite her into your life if doing so would cause you further pain, I promise you that opening your mind to the possibility that she isn’t evil will do you more good than harm. Again, you don’t have to see her or talk to her if you don’t want to: That’s your choice and no one else’s. Whether she has truly changed (and people can, and do) or not is, in many ways, beside the point. The point is: Do you want to hold on to these bitter feeling forever? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to let them go?
—Michelle
Link
My older half-sister never forgave our dad for having the audacity to remarry and have me. Her parents divorced when she was a baby; we are nine years apart.
I have vivid memories of her pinching me and pulling my hair when I was small. I used to hide in my parents’ room when she came over. I remember being 10 and screaming at our father that my “sister” wished my mother and I were dead, that she thought the world would be better off for it. My parents would later excuse my sister’s behavior as the result of her mother’s mental illness and abusiveness to her. Well, apparently that runs in the family. My half-sister spent my teens and early 20s doing a lot of drugs; she spent some time in prison. The only time she seemed to want anything to do with us was when she wanted to try and weasel money out of our father. The stress nearly ended my parents’ marriage.
Now it seems that she has sobered up and found God. She has been talking to our father and he is very eager to “make us a real family finally.” I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want to have anything to do with her. She is a stranger who happens to share some of my DNA. I love my father, but his other daughter had years and years to make any moves toward being my sister. That ship has sailed and sunk. How do I tell him that when he wants so badly for me to be a part of his repaired relationship with her?
—Only Child
Dear Child,
If you don’t want to have anything to do with her, you don’t have to. You can tell your father that you can’t forgive her, that your past with her is just too painful, and that your childhood was profoundly affected by her rage. You can mention that you hope he’ll understand.
But I’m wondering whether, for your own sake as much as your father’s and sister’s, you might search for some forgiveness. The rage you’re carrying is a source of pain for you, and forgiveness (as it’s often been said) is a gift to the forgiver far more than to the one forgiven. It can free you from “the corrosive anger” that is doing you harm. You note that your parents “excused” your sister’s bad behavior by pointing to her mother’s mental illness and the abuse she suffered at her hands. That’s not an excuse; it’s a reason. Although recognizing what your sister was contending with—and allowing yourself to consider what it might have felt like for her to visit her father in his new home, with his new family (and especially his new daughter, whom she might well have thought of as her replacement daughter), then returning to her troubled home—doesn’t mean you have to invite her into your life if doing so would cause you further pain, I promise you that opening your mind to the possibility that she isn’t evil will do you more good than harm. Again, you don’t have to see her or talk to her if you don’t want to: That’s your choice and no one else’s. Whether she has truly changed (and people can, and do) or not is, in many ways, beside the point. The point is: Do you want to hold on to these bitter feeling forever? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to let them go?
—Michelle
Link
no subject
I assume the father did not so much as call CPS on his ex because that is the behavior most consistent with the fact that he also did not protect his younger child from the older and now is invested in pretending they’re all one big happy family and bygones are bygones.